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Matthew Inman

The Seven Phases of Owning an iPod - An Illustrated Journey

by Matthew Inman []
Published on 31/10/06 in Music
Every iPod owner passes through seven distinct phases, this illustrated guide depicts the journey all iPod owners must undertake.

 

 


 
PHASE 1:  This is the "OH MY GOD IT'S SO SMALL AND SHINY" phase.  You marvel at how small and shiny it is, stealing glances whenever you can.

 

 

 

 

PHASE 2:  This is the phase where all your friends say "OH MY GOD IT'S SO SMALL AND SHINY" and you're like, totally over it.

 

PHASE 3:  The iPod has become a permanent part of your body.  If you're not showering or communicating with someone who has the authority to fire you, your ipod is blasting in your ears.

 

 

PHASE 4:  You lose your impossibly small ipod somewhere in your home and nearly have a nervous breakdown. After eventually finding it you seriously consider ingesting it for safe-keeping.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

PHASE 5:  You suffer from permanent hearing damage.  This does not deter you from constantly listening to your iPod at high volumes, however.

 

 

PHASE 6:   A smaller, fancier ipod is created and yours is now outdated and crappy.   Yours is no longer awesome, it is horribly awful.  Just awful.

 

 

 PHASE 7:   You upgrade and buy the newer ipod.   You are now destitute and are forced to live off cardboard and stray animals to survive.

 

 

 

 

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32 Comments

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bma0303

Brandon Anderson
I've never bought and iPod in fear of Phase 6 and the eventual, destitute Phase 7. Written on 31/10/06

Fluxx

Jeff Pollard
In phase 8, iPod plays you! Written on 31/10/06

Magunga

wolfgang van Dangerous
What about the part where it stops working? Written on 31/10/06

Oatmeal

Matthew Inman
If I could write this again I'd add:

iPod stops working

and

While exercising on a treadmill/elliptical/exercise bike/etc your arm catches the earbud cables and it goes flying across the gym. I've seen so many people (myself included) who have had this happen. Written on 31/10/06

Fluxx

Jeff Pollard
Note to self: don't use right angle headphone jacks. Written on 31/10/06

reefdog

Justin
Out of curiosity... is this Oatmeal the same Oatmeal who mods at MAF? And if you don't know what that means, then it isn't. ;)

Either way, awesome article. I'm between stages 5 and 6. Written on 31/10/06

Fluxx

Jeff Pollard
Nope, different Oatmeal Written on 31/10/06

pouwerkerk

pieter
I would laugh at this, but I'm too upset at realizing how true this is. This is quite possibly one of the funniest interpretations of the iPod culture that I have ever read. Written on 31/10/06

bigbadaboom

Big Badaboom
Funny stuff, but you forgot a phase. Let's call it 4b. That's the 'Your super Apple battery dies after a year and you have to decide whether to pay the yearly battery tax or not' phase (insert picture of pissed-off iPod owner here).
Written on 31/10/06

JaneCopland

Jane
Do you mean you don't enjoy having your iPod connected to its charger at all times? It doesn't elicit memories of the good old "wired" days? I'm currently experiencing about three hours of battery life. How I look forward to this dwindling to three minutes, at best... Written on 1/11/06

zenpsycho

Breton Slivka
Battery death can be avoided. Read the wikipedia article on lithium batteries, and their weaknesses/strengths. In short, Deep discharge is a good way to kill a lith battery. Written on 1/11/06

bigbadaboom

Big Badaboom
Oh, so I have a '12 hour battery' (really only 8 hours) but am only allowed to use it for an hour or two before recharging? :)

Jane: Yes my iPod does sit permanently in its cradle now. :) It now has a battery life of about one song...

And BTW - avoid those Newer Technology third party replacement batteries. They die even more quickly than the Apple ones do :(
Written on 1/11/06

Fluxx

Jeff Pollard
See, when I had my iPod I never had battery issues. I consistantly got battery life of about 8 hours. Written on 1/11/06

LizGado

Liz Gado
Same for me guys, my ipod works for about 7 hours. But I'm not an adict. Maybe the way you use it has something to do with this issue.

My blog
Written on 24/6/08

billyG

billyg
Stage 8, alternative ending sequence:

Zune launches and you're jealous that the geekiest of the geeks have one. You want in. Written on 1/11/06

gmiller

Greg Miller
Phase 8: Take an art class ;)

Just kidding, it was funny anyway. But maybe this will help for next time: http://the-structure-of-man.blogspot.com/ Written on 1/11/06

Oatmeal

Matthew Inman
Whatever dude, my oddly shaped stick people are works of art ;) Written on 1/11/06

Vaisa

Vaisa
Lmao, they sure are :]. Written on 31/12/06

revsorg

Matt Williams
I think there is a phase 0 when you buy it and discover the joys of unwrapping an Apple product. And there is a phase -1 when people talk about how good iPods are and you don't believe them but are simultaneously jealous as hell. Written on 2/11/06

lauowolf

laura watkins
I was standing by the repair guy at the Apple store.
In come unhappy dad, doughboy kid, dead ipod.
With *large* dent in one side.
Repair guy points out that this isn't normal wear and tear, and not repairable by him.
Dad asks, since it's not on warranty anymore, how about if he hits it REALLY HARD on the other side,
Does the guy think that will make it work again? Written on 3/11/06

JaneCopland

Jane
Hey man, that works with Microsoft stuff, doesn' it? Written on 3/11/06

bizzybone

thisismenotcaring.blogspot.com
In phase 8, your new and expensive iPod is finally stolen, causing you to buy a iPod Shuffle to last you until you get your tax return. Written on 7/11/06

binor

Robin
that's hilarious! and a pretty darn good plot too! :D Written on 26/1/07

Vaisa

Vaisa
Fucking brilliant, lmao.

I wanted to lol :). Written on 31/12/06

Here2dispute

Bob Thompson
I know it's been mentioned a few times, but there should definitely be about 4 steps of ipod breaking, getting a new one, breaking and not used for 2 months then working again, then breaking, then getting a new one etc.


I never bought an ipod because I'm pretty frugal and when i buy something i want it to work for at like a year or 2.... all of my sisters have had ipods and all have gone through at least 2. One of my cousins has had 6 malfunctioning ipods..... kinda sad

but yea this was funny...great art Written on 30/1/07

just_xTc

just.xTc
Awesome.

I'd add phase 8: iPod breaks down, warranty won't cover it, you kill yourself for buying an Apple product.

Ha-ha, sucka. Get a Zen Micro or something next time. Oh wait, you're broke! There won't be a next time. Written on 15/4/07

anwar_786

anwar
i rekon that my ipod is really good n if im fed up off it ill sell it off. simple ( any1 wud like 2 buy a ipod ) lol Written on 8/6/07

bitesnkisses

Lai-Sin
Sad thing is that I've gone through most of those phases.... the shame... Written on 12/9/07

Recetas

Tatiana
I've so far resisted the iPod bravely, and when the anxiosness was dimming is just time for Apple's brains to release the iPhone, dammmmm..

Nuevas Recetas de Cocina

. CANT RESIST IT!!!

Do you have the iPhone Illustrated Journey coming? Written on 18/9/07

Zoo_Refugee

Tabby
This is so funny....I'm at Phase 5! Written on 31/12/07

JoeBoy

JoeBoy
I'm stuck at six. it's sad so sad. Written on 27/5/08

Sarah1001

WW
I'm around face 7... i just bought a new iPod right after a pair of 190 $ shoes so I've been living pretty poor the last three months. Written on 12/8/08

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