Ah, the movie cliche. It's like a warm blanket assuring you that the film you're seeing won't take you out of your comfort zone of expectancy...at least, that's what they want you to believe. These lazily-written movies spoon-feed mediocrity and done-to-death cliches to the point of sheer revulsion, and I've had it with the lot of 'em! Behold, 20 movie cliches that need to be put out of their misery:
1. The hand-wave motion
This scene consists of the character sticking her arm out the car window and moving her hand in that stupid wave motion
As seen in: Virtually every movie with a cross-country road trip scene
Why it's lame: This motion screams "Look how free-spirited I am! Even though we're driving down Route 66, I feel like I'm flying! I always want to feel this free!" Ugh. We get it. You're a hippy and you're so free-spirited that you make the same stupid wave motion as everyone else in a movie with a road trip.
2. The super-sped up cityscape
This scene requires shots of a moving and setting sun, buildings lighting up, and people zipping around
As seen in: Any movie that wants to have time pass between scenes but only has four seconds to do so
Why it's lame: We get it, lazy filmmaker. Time is elapsing, but in a super-cool-looking way! OMG! It's groundbreaking in a highly stylized way!
3. The "Now, what were you going to say?"
Right before a character has to confess something to someone, that person cuts him off and says something to make him feel like a guilty, royal asshole, and then says, "Now, what were you going to say?" to further dig the dagger into his side.
As seen in: Just about any chick flick
Why it's lame: Why the hell do those seven little words render the would-be confessor incapable of going through with what he was going to say? It's like verbal kryptonite. "Well, I was going to break up with you, but now you've made me feel guilty so I guess I'll just suffer silently! La dee dah!"
4. Ruining a huge event for selfish purposes
These scenes almost always take place during a wedding, but big speeches and presentations also suffice. Typically the point of ruining a mass public event is to confess one's love to someone.
As seen in: The Graduate, Wedding Crashers, Bubble Boy
Why it's lame: Dude, inconsiderate! It is such a dick move to ruin a huge event just to blurt out that you love someone. Worst. Timing. Ever. Plus, are we led to believe that the girl is only capable of changing her mind right before she says "I do"? There's a reason why the divorce rate is 50% in America, lady. Embrace the annulment.
5. The adorable/precocious/solemn/creepy little kid with a retarded haircut
This character either provides "adorable" comic relief or creepy ambiance (or both, depending on the movie). And he/she always has a stupid haircut.
As seen in: Jerry Maguire, The Sixth Sense, The Ring, Superman Returns
Why it's lame: Kids in movies are so unrealistic that it makes me want to throw my ovaries at the writer. They're not adorably wise, hilariously precocious, or creepily contacting the evil spirit world. They're booger eaters, Gogurt slurpers, and pants wetters. And why the hell can't any kid in any movie have a remotely decent haircut? Shaggy near-mullets should be grounds for child abuse.
6. The rain scene
These scenes consist of people moping around and getting soaking wet in the rain, chasing after a girl and having a passionate kiss in the rain, or extending your arms upward in a stupid baptism/cleansing symbolism.
As seen in: The Notebook, The Shawshank Redemption, Spiderman
Why it's lame: A vast majority of the time, rain is effin' cold. You don't want to mope around in it, you don't want to passionately kiss someone in it, and you don't want to happily extend your arms upward in it. You want to curse yourself for forgetting your umbrella at home and haul ass to the nearest bus stop.
7. The elaborate hacking-through-a-virtual-world scene
These scenes desperately want you to think that OMG HACKING LOOKS AWESOME!!! That hacker is so skilled! He can navigate through the mainframe's virtual world and find the little hidden box he needs to click on! Bravo, hacker. Bravo.
As seen in: Antitrust, Jurassic Park, Swordfish, Hackers
Why it's lame: This is what real hacking is like: Type type type. Type type. Type. It's a bunch of lines of code, and it's a terribly uninspiring interface. Visual interfaces are for old ladies who need to drag and drop a ginormous image of their dog Muffins to a folder. They're not used by any remotely good hacker. But since realistic hacking is too boring by Hollywood standards, we're subjected to faux-cool "virtual" hacking. Bleh.
8. The just-in-time bomb disabling
In this scene, the protagonist finds the bomb while it's ticking down its last minute to detonation, and he always cuts the wire and disables the bomb with exactly one second left on the timer, even though you're watching about ten minutes pass between him finding the bomb and disabling it.
As seen in: Speed, Die Hard III, Blown Away
Why it's lame: Can't anyone disable a bomb with ample time left nowadays? Is that just a lost art, like shoe cobbling?
9. Crashing through multiple panes of glass like it's a Homecoming banner
In Movie Land, you can get thrown through or otherwise crash through all sorts of glass without incurring any sort of injury.
As seen in: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (seriously Brandy, what the fuck?), Demolition Man, any PG-13 action movie
Why it's lame: Have you ever inadvertently run into a closed sliding glass door? It hurts! So why the hell do movies make it look about as painful as a paper cut?
10. The terminally ill free-spirited girl who teaches the guy how to live each life to its fullest
What is it about those terminally ill girls that makes them so irresistible? They're perpetually in season; it's like they're the little black dress of movie cliches.
As seen in: Sweet November, Autumn in New York, Love Story
On notice: Natalie Portman in Garden State. She only had epilepsy, but she still should have died at the end for being annoying as hell.
Why it's lame: Why can't a terminally ill character be bitter or sullen about dying instead of happy-go-lucky? Plus, I find it hard to fall in love with someone who's about to die, because usually near death = sallow complexion, brittle bones, and sunken eyes, not rosy-cheeked and fancy-free.
11. Subduing the killer and promptly running away instead of repeatedly kicking his face in
Congratulations, you've just knocked out the axe-wielding maniac who's been chasing you for the past hour! Now it's time to finish him off by...running away?
As seen in: Any slasher film ever made
Why it's lame: He's incapacitated! Finish him off with a couple of Jersey stomps to the face! Why the hell would you want to run away and hide under a desk instead of kicking the killer's face into an indistinguishable mush?
12. Post-sex modesty
Mmmm, that sex sure was nasty. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to walk to the bathroom with the entire sheet wrapped around me like a burqa.
As seen in: any PG-13 movie that can't show T&A
Why it's lame: It's a strangely modest move to drape yourself in sex and fluids-soaked bedsheet, considering you just, you know, had sex. If the movie were realistic, the girl would hop out of bed and stroll to the bathroom bare-assed and sporting JBF hair.
13. The makeover that turns an already-pretty girl into a hot sex kitten
This scene is usually a montage of primping and preening, getting a haircut, putting in contacts, and picking out stylish clothes. Voila! An already obviously pretty girl is now a knockout that everyone starts noticing.
As seen in: Miss Congeniality, Love Potion #9, She's All That, The Princess Diaries, The Devil Wears Prada
Why it's lame: If you're going to make a movie about an ugly duckling-turned swan, why not try casting someone who's not smokin' hot to begin with so it's at least somewhat believable? How's about Chloe Sevigny, Juliette Lewis, Tori Spelling, or Maggie Gyllenhaal? Now that would be a convincing makeover!
14. The disproportionately huge apartment that realistically can't be affordable for the person habiting it
The character's a starving artist, public school teacher, or writes a column for the local paper, yet for some reason he lives in a penthouse suite with sweeping views of the city. I call shenanigans!
As seen in: So I Married An Axe Murderer, 40 Days and 40 Nights, Rounders
Why it's lame: If movies were realistic about the sort of places middle-class people could afford, the main character would be living in a trailer park, a studio apartment, or with his mom. I wish my salary would scale like it does in the movies. Until then, I'll just have to keep on showering at the Y and sleeping at bus stations.
15. Trying to win the girl away from her douchebag boyfriend
Here's how this cliche usually plays out: The main character is competing with some douchebag boyfriend for the girl of his dreams. Dream Girl doesn't know that her boyfriend is a douchebag, though, because somehow she's oblivious to his douchy ways. (He usually turns on the charm when she's around and commences douchiness when she leaves. He's sneaky, that douchebag.) Then, Douchebag Boyfriend makes the protagonist look like a prick and Dream Girl thinks the good guy is a jerk, only to find out at the end of the movie that her boyfriend was the douchebag all along. Protagonist gets the girl, happy times for all.
As seen in: Old School, Wedding Crashers, Just One of the Guys
Why it's lame: Can we have a fresh story arc for a change? What if the girl likes dating douchebags? Or maybe the guy she ends up picking in the end turns out to be a bigger douchebag than her old boyfriend? Maybe the girl becomes a nun and swears off all men for the rest of her life? I'm just saying that a change of pace would be nice.
16. Post-sex amnesia
This scene usually involves getting drunk, sleeping with someone, and then waking up the next morning and being utterly shocked, confused, and surprised that you slept with that person.
As seen in: Any movie where the guy gets into an argument with his girlfriend and then gets drunk and flirts with another girl at the bar, and then the scene cuts to the next morning where the ringing phone wakes the guy up, and it's his girlfriend calling to say that she loves him, and then he looks over next to him and sees the girl he picked up the night before naked and sleeping and he's like "Whaaaaa???!!"
Why it's lame: Roofies aside, how can you wake up having completely forgotten that you brought a girl home and sexed her up?
17. The "spontaneous" yet clearly choreographed mass dance sequence
Hey, this song is catchy! Oh, you think so, too? And so do the other thirty people in this room? Well, let's start dancing to it! Hey, you're moving to the left, too! And now to the right! Now a turn and a backflip! Wow, how do we all know the exact same moves?
As seen in: She's All That, A Knight's Tale, 13 Going on 30 ("Mattie! It's Thriller" has to be one of the stupidest lines in movie history, by the way)
Why it's lame: Must I really go into detail as to why this is completely and utterly idiotic?
18. Shutting the sticky door/slow elevator right before the killer grabs you
Ah, the Sticky Door Syndrome. It affects so many entrances in movies nowadays. The funny thing is that it always seems to mysteriously unstick itself right before the killer gets to the heroine! Weird, huh?
As seen in: pretty much any horror movie
Why it's lame: The same killer who illogically walks faster than the character's running speed, has superhuman strength, and magically appears in front of someone when just a second ago that person was running away from him/it can't catch up to a girl while she's struggling to open and close a door? Suuuuuuure.....
19. Unnecessary repetition
In case you didn't hear it once, the character will take the liberty of repeating one or two lines of the sentence for emphasis. How thoughtful!
As seen in: Babe ("That'll do, pig. That'll do"), Showgirls ("For this! This!"), An Officer and a Gentleman ("Cuz I got nowhere else to go! I got...nowhere else to g...I got nothin' else!")
Why it's lame: Yeah, we heard you the first time.
20. The "clever" post-kill line
No action movie is complete without the requisite "clever" line to allude to the fact that you killed and/ordisposed of the bad guy.
As seen in: Running Man ("He had to split"), Total Recall ("Consider that a divorce"), Batman & Robin ("Ice to meet you"), Eraser ("You're luggage")...come to think of it, pretty much any Schwarzenegger movie is an excellent example.
Why it's lame: Can't you just say "Yeah, I killed him. He's like, totally dead"? Why the cheeky allusions? They're not funny or clever. Just painful. Really, really painful.
Potential movie cliches:
The rouse-your-troops pre-battle speech, ugly-ing up a hot actress in hopes of Oscar consideration, and the "I hit a low with my rampant drug use and need to get back on my feet" scenes in biopics. You're on notice! Don't make the same mistake the above scenes did, or you'll end up living in Atrocious Movie Cliche Infamy.
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