The first rule of making love to an otter is that you do not talk about making love to an otter. Even in these tolerant times, bestiality is frowned on at best.

The second rule of making love to an otter is that you should only refer to the rendezvous as 'mating'. Otters know no love, only an inherent desire to
reproduce and build dams.

So, how do I go about mating with an otter? Well, a bag of nuts is a good start. Carry a mixed selection with you at all times. Otters will respond fondly to
those who are willing to flip a few KP's. Quick tip: Pick out the raisins. They give otters the shits.

And where do I meet otters? Streams and bushy areas are good hotspots for a beginner to pick up a bit of 'nature's best'. Take a stroll along your favourite
bark-carpeted trail, for wild otters carrry less diseases and are not tainted by the sinews of the city.

Which otter is right for me? You don't just want to roll in the the leaves with any otter who sniffs your ankle and squeaks 'daddy'. Insist on looking your woodland creature up and down, observing the hallmarks of otter health: oily skin and perky whiskers. Undress it with your eyes; you're nearly there.

Beware the buck-toothed otter. This is not an otter. This is a beaver. A cunning second-best by anyone's standards. Also watch out for smaller, furrier otters
with a penchant for treading water . These little pranksters are not otters, either. They are stoats. A web-footed entree.

It's now time to love your otter. Your mating should be fervent and utilitarian, ending in a quick climax. Foreplay only leaves you frustrated, with twigs in
your hair, so cut to the chase, big boy. Your otter isn't getting wet enough? Make love in the water. And brush your teeth; otters are sticklers for oral hygiene. But let us not linger on the process itself; you know what you're doing.

Apres session? Don't stick around; these beady nosed triffids will not appreciate your sentimentality. Do not get attached to the otter; relationships rarely work and can destroy families. Although there has been an increase in the number of Otter/Man bars and restaurants in other countries, here, sadly, your love is confined to the dewy glades.

Good luck.