I just met my girlfriend's mom, and I'm pretty sure that this relationship is doomed. The problem, you see, is that the Mrs. thinks I'm wonderful.

I tried to look like bad news. I showed up late to meet them with three days of stubble on my face. I ordered the greasiest, most unhealthy thing on the menu. Whenever my girlfriend spoke, I flapped my fingers to my thumb and made a blah blah blah face. Nothing worked! Everything I did came across as charming or quirky. My girlfriend called me later to tell me how glad her mom is that she's finally landed a sweet guy. And that, my friends, is the beginning of the end.

The thing is this: the girls I date don't want a sweet guy for a boyfriend. They don't want a man that their mothers approve of. They want someone with a little bit of edge. Someone their friends raise eyebrows at. I'm not saying they want a complete asshole, but maybe just the kind of dude who would storm out on a bullshit job or argue with a cop when pulled over. They certainly don't want the kind of guy who talks to their mother about Jane Austen half the night.

I do my best, but I just can't seem to get the loose cannon / fuck the man image down. I'll manage to look aloof and mildly volatile for about five minutes, and then it all flies out the window. I'll excitedly comment on a Hugh Grant movie or suggest getting smoothies and taking a walk. The words will slip out of my mouth and enter the ear of my date with an extra unwanted message: Please, let's just hang out tonight. No need to have sex and ruin what could be a fantastic friendship.

I'm told that the girls who don't appreciate my sweet side are the wrong kind of girls for me-- that I should look for ladies at bookstores rather than at punk rock shows-- but I guess I'm guilty of the same thing. I don't really want a sweet girl. I want a girl that slaps me for looking at the waitress' cleavage. I want a girl who swears in front of children and plays elaborate, borderline-mean practical jokes on April Fool's Day. After she meets my mom for the first time, I sort of want to hear the I'm-Not-So-Sure-She's-Right-For-You speech.

What is it about us that makes us gravitate towards the Relationship-That-Could-Never-Work? Why is the most unlikely match the most attractive?