Recently I was sent one of those dubious internet forwards. You know the lot. Those things that just keep circulating and circulating. Some have veracity. Some do not. This one is rumored to be a *fake*, but it gives me such a chuckle, I don't really care.

This is supposedly an article from Good Housekeeping Magazine from 1955. Tips on how to be a good wife. It's titled the Good Wife's Guide. A few tips, if you will. Evidently, those slacker 1950's wives needed some pointers. I know that if I was indeed a wife in the 1950's, I could've used this handy guide, because I'm pretty sure that I'd have been in my tattered robe and Yeltsin drunk by the time my doting husband arrived home every evening. So, let's hear the tips, and by all means, allow to me retort.

Tip #1 - Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have be thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they get home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed.

Retort - Oh, I'm concerned about your needs, honey. I'm so concerned about your needs that after caring for your screaming snot-nosed children all day I bought fishsticks. Have at 'em, the directions are on the side. I had creamed carrots for lunch. With a spoon, like your toddler. Oh wait, plan ahead, that's right. Okay...tomorrow night? Corndogs. Speaking of planning ahead, don't flush the toilet. Your oldest son shoved my Noxema down there earlier today.

Tip #2 - Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.

Retort - If your dumb ass thinks I have 15 minutes to myself, think again. I just pulled a crawdad out of your daughter's ear. A ribbon in my hair? Really. My hair looks like I combed it with an eggbeater because I haven't showered yet today and have spent most of my afternoon PULLING IT OUT in frustration. Some animals will eat their young out of anxiety. I totally get that now.

Tip #3 - Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

Retort - I'll be more interesting, alright. The next time you leave me alone for 8 hours with these soul-sucking hellions, you get a pine-tarred dildo up your behind. Interested yet?

Tip #4 - Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Run a dustcloth over the tables.

Retort - Clutter. In my home that is synonymous with decor. I'll run a dustcloth over my sanity and dignity a little bit later.

Tip #5 - During the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering to his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

Retort - Who needs a fire when your oldest sons are lighting their farts? My immense personal satisfaction derives from actually taking a COMPLETE dump without constant interruption in this Taj' MaHELL.

Tip #6 - Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet.

Retort - This one's easy. I can get the kids to be quiet. It's called Scotch and duct-tape.

Tip #7 - Be happy to see him.

Retort - Again, an easy one. Crap, I AM happy to see you! Now get to work. We have a snake in the bathtub, a GI Joe up the dog's butt and in the kitchen it looks like I stirred our spaghetti dinner with a shotgun. I suggest a Hazmat suit and tongs, for all of the above.

Tip #8 - Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.

Retort - You're kidding, right? Surely.

Tip #9 - Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

Retort - Not the time, I get it. We'll save the topic of his son *experimenting with neighbor boy Billy for another time. Like his parole hearing.

Tip #10 - Don't greet him with complaints and problems.

Retort - If I DON'T greet him with complaints and problems, I'm drunk, and Ed McMahon just showed up on our front step with a big fat-ass cardboard check. If not, you're gonna hear it, asshat.

Tip #11 - Don't complain if he's late for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through at work.

Retort - Stays out ALL NIGHT? Crap. By ALL means, please do. Find some other uneducated gutterslut to take care of you and these spawns of Satan. I implore you.
You know what's *minor*? That you think I care in the first place.

Tip #12 - Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or lie him down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.

Retort - If you lie down in the bedroom, I'm putting a pillow over your head until you quit kicking. Oh, and I drank all the booze.

Tip # 13 - Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.

Retort - I think I covered the pillow in the last retort. His shoes? He'll be lucky if he doesn't find one of mine up his ASS. Oh, and the soothing and pleasant voice? Sure. I can say if you don't get these kids to bed in the next hour I will slit your throat with a butter knife in a very low, sultry tone.

Tip #14 - Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.

Retort - No, I would NEVER question him. What I question is how this EFFING SLACK-JAWED-DROOL-COVERED-IDIOT-CAN'T-FIND-HIS-ASS-WITH-BOTH-HANDS-NUMBNUT convinced me that marrying him was a good idea. You know what he better become the Master of? BATING.

Tip #15 - A good wife always knows her place.

Retort - She sure does. It's called Independence.

Take that, Good Housekeeping, 1955.

I can't imagine why I'm still single. Humph.