I just can't figure it out. I ordered the black 30 gigabyte iPod off Amazon.com, and when it arrived I was really excited about putting my favorite music onto it. Every time I upload a CD, though, the iPod plays back some hip hop that I don't even own. It's not even good hip hop, either. (Though I'm not even sure what equates to good hip hop. Isn't that an oxymoron?) So far I inexplicably have seven gigs of Petey Pablo, Coolio, Afroman, Chingy, and, dear God, K-Fed.

This iPod is driving me crazy. The Postal Service goes in, yet Fergie's "London Bridge" comes out. (By the way, I don't exactly know what Fergie is referring to when she says her London Bridge "wanna go down," but I hope the real bridge isn't a drunken tart with a weak bladder.) I cue up Less Than Jake and instead hear something about someone's milkshake bringing all the boys to the yard. What the hell is going on here?

As if the pirated hip hop weren't bad enough, my black iPod seems pretty lazy. Sometimes when I try to play a song, a message pops up that says, "I'll hit dat up later. Ain't no thang," and then the damn thing shuts itself off. When I complain to my friends about my black iPod, it turns itself on and displays "African American iPod," then it asks if I have any Newports on me. If I have it in my pocket during a movie, it turns itself on and displays in all uppercase letters, "DON'T GO IN THERE!!! HE BEHIND THA DOOR!" (I've since stopped taking it to the movies, since all it seems to want to see is anything starring a Wayans brother.) In fact, the only time this wretched thing actually behaves itself is when the BET channel is on TV, and even then it'll display an occasional "Oh snap!" 

I'm thinking of exchanging it for a white iPod, but my friend has been complaining that lately his has only been playing Alan Jackson, Toby Keith, and Clay Aiken, and that he only gets good sound quality when he's at a Wal-Mart. Maybe I should just get a green Nano.