Worst MySpace Page:
Winner
Abbi from Wisconsin.
Aaaagggghhhh!!! Run!! This page features an anti-KKK theme, which is just fine, but my retina fried like eggs to the back of my skull when I let my eyes pass over this one. Miniature MK & A at the top of the screen didn't help, either.
See this crime against sight live!
Runner Up
Prudence, apparently from Tonga.
I assume that this page is a joke. And by "assume", I mean "am hoping like hell." The most ironic thing is the happy smile on the face of the guy in the advertisement. He's obviously thinking "Dude, I totally dug Village of the Damned."
Honorable Mention
Mandi from Sterling, IL.
This monstrosity commits more offenses than I care to list; however, the main problem with this page is that, apart from being ugly, it's completely and utterly unreadable. It doesn't matter that the screen shot of the page is too small to read: You can't read it at full size either. Click this link if you feel the need to try.
Most Annoying Social Media Group
Winner
"The (25/50/100) Hottest Girls At (Institution of Higher Education)"
Welcome to the site that categorizes your school's top collection of sluts. You may think these Facebook groups are quite liberal with who they pick as their premier skanky tarts; however, I'm privy to some interesting information regarding their selection criteria.
Firstly, to gain entry to these groups, you must have the right major. Chemistry with a minor in Electrical Engineering will not cut it. Are you majoring in Hospitality Business Management with a minor in PR? A concentration in Fashion Merchandising? A focus in Picking your Ass? Welcome!
Secondly, it's highly advisable to belong to a sorority. Duh! I mean, what kind of hot girl doesn't live in the Delta Gamma Liveout? It's best to be a Kappa Kappa Gamma or a Tri Delt (obviously), but you must be careful: we've heard that the girls at Alpha Gamma Delta got roofied by the guys from Beta Theta Rapeya.
The third and final category is to have a whorish name. Charlotte and Linda needn't apply. Brianda, Kaelyn and Sharmi have you beat. Basically, if your name elicits a squiggly red line in a spell checker, you're as good as in.
"The Biggest Facebook Group Ever!"
Basically, we're awarding this one to every Facebook group that states its goal as becoming the biggest group on the site. Some tired, boring examples include: "Biggest Facebook Group Ever" (372 members, phhrrsgh) "Soon To Be The Biggest Facebook Group" (1,842 members, so not bloody likely) and, amazingly, the "Bigger than "the biggest facebook group ever!" group!" which has just one member.
Honorable Mention
"I'm Going To Be A Virgin Until I Die And Go To Heaven With George Bush" groups
Congratulations, you're a virgin. If I wanted to know your sexual history, I'd have gone to med school and become your doctor. Alternatively, if I wanted to know what you're doing for Jesus, I'd have become your minister. As it stands, your self-righteous leg-crossing is none of my business, and I'd be appreciative if you kept it that way. Examples of this type of group include: "Abstinence is the best choice", "Cross Your Legs For Jesus" and "College Students Who Are Waiting Until Marriage." Each one of these groups comes complete with a snarky, well-done-me blurb.
The antedote: WSU's "I Bend Over For Free." Gotta love honesty.
Worst MySpace "About Me" blurb:
Winner
Jessie, from San Jose, CA.
Jessie's "About Me" section on her MySpace profile is a spell-checker's nightmare. That this girl is eighteen years old and therefore has probably spent quite some time in an American high school classroom is disturbing indeed. My computer estimates that, on average, every second word is either incorrect or non-existant. The winner? "Homiees" is coming up as a favorite.
Runner Up
Melanie, from Seattle, WA.
This just makes me sad for the whole world.
Honorable Mention
"Blonde Bimbo" from the United Kingdom
I just can't work out why you'd bother to write this crap. You'd be better off writing nothing. I guess this particular MySpace member subscribes to a cunning variable of the Paris Hilton Law Of Visibility: even the worst exposure is better than no exposure at all.
Most Ironic Juxtaposition
Winner
Raquelle, from Plainview, NY
Raquelle juxtaposes the title "Blonde with a Brain" next to the picture below . You have to love the comment from her friend "Swedish Stallion", which reads "damn shawtay looking dead sexyyy lol." I guess your definition of sexy depends somewhat on which street corner you like to pick up your whores from. Hands down champ here.
Runner Up
Scott and Joel, from Washington
Ahh, the dipsticks who list their political views as "very conservative" and their favourite music as Rage Against the Machine and Green Day. Ha-bloody-ha. Scott is also a member of the Facebook group "Proud Wazzu Republicans" and "Bush won... So Move On." He also supports two heavily Republican political candidates. Listen to the lyrics, y'idiots.
Honorable Mention
Meghann from Bonney Lake, WA
Meghann lists her religious views as "Don't Mess with Texas..nuff said." Oh, you think. So she was originally from Texas. Wrong! Meghann goes on to tell us that she was originally from Hawaii. She says that she hates "the dark and stupid people." I'd like to think that she means "(I hate) the dark, as well as stupid people", but as her political views are "Very Conservative," her original grammar may, in fact, be correct. She'd also like us to know that her hair color and boobs are real, but that she isn't conceeded. Yup, she used not only the wrong word, but she spelled that wrong word incorrectly. That was about when I passed out.
Winner
Kayley from Denver, CO
Invokes leprosy, don't you think?
Runner Up
Shane from Sacramento, CA
"It will only hurt for a minute ;) .... I swear!"
Honorable Mention
Mandi from Stillwater, OK
"hillbillies love it in the hay, i love it as long as it has a weiner."
Yes, it's wonderful that there are a slew of websites that let users generate their own content. Sites like MySpace have indeed taken the internet out of the hands of the elite and given everyone the chance to express themselves online, but some of the things people do online are truly shocking. The internet is the first and only form of media to become so widely accessible and usable... whether or not this is a good thing may still be somewhat contentious!
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