I think it's fair to say that ever since the introduction of Myspace to the web, every organized religion/faith/cult has been rendered wholly obsolete.  I know that sounds impossible, but consider the divine implications of these three words: The Myspace Survey.

That's right.  No longer is there a need to attend church, take communion, or shout "Allah Akbar" before detonating yourself on a crowded school bus.  All wisdom and spiritual fulfillment is easily attained through participation and in-depth study of random database generated questionnaires online.

You don't even have to leave the comfort of your own home to attain knowledge of a higher power.  Just simply sign up for a Myspace account and before long your friends will start sending you pearls of truth via the miraculous function of the "Bulletin" feature.

When people stop me on the street and inquire what religion I am, I casually reply "Why, I'm born-again Myspacer, of course." This usually results in them giving a puzzled look, but it also gives me a golden opportunity to share my testimony.

Once I've made them well aware that without daily guidance from a Myspace survey they are living in darkness, they are usually quick to convert for the salvation of their soul.  Then I happily provide them my profile URL (www.myspace.com/deanmbrooks for all you apostates out there), and comfort them in the knowledge that shortly, they too will start receiving survey scripture about their new-found faith.    

Boy, if I had a dime for every for every time a new convert wept on my shoulder, or thanked me profusely for setting them free from the Old Way, I'd have enough cash to start my evangelical TV program devoted solely to daily survey readings.  I'd be like Bishop Fulton J. Sheen, only I'd have the real truth.

Myspace surveys have taught me so much about myself over just the past few months I'm practically living in a Nirvana of Me.  Consider these revolutionary nuggets of truth I've encountered:

I learned here that if I were a "celebrity beauty," I'd be Angelina Jolie.  This is eye-opening for me, because I've been wondering why lately I've been severely wanting to botox my lips as well as adopt an Asian kid from a foreign country.

According to here, if I were a movie quote, I'd be, "Love means never having to say you're sorry."  It's a good thing, too.  Last weekend, I took this girl I really liked out on a date, and she laughed when I accidentally spilled ice cream on my shirt, so I punched her in the face.  But since I love her, that's totally cool. 

And speaking of quality relationship advice, here's a few snippets from a piece I got just today, along with the awesometastic (and divine) implications for me:

When a girl is quiet, millions of things are running through her mind.

Excellent, then she won't notice when I slip a rufie in her drink.

When a girl stares at you, she is wondering why you are so wonderful.

Oh good.  For awhile I always thought a girl stared at me because I had a pistol pressed to her temple while making her undress, but this is way better.

When a girl lays her head on your chest, she is wishing for you to be hers forever.        

I'm taking this as a yes that it's cool to body slam her into the carpet until she's unconscious and then press my chest over her face.

The profound meaning of the Myspace survey is impossible to summarize in a single commentary.  I can only urge that you convert and take back control of your life.  It has taken humanity thousands of years, but it looks like we finally do have the answer to life.