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Rebecca Kelley

Why I'll Never Make Digg Popular

by Rebecca Kelley []
Published on 13/11/06 in Web
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride...I'm doomed to forever be a digg failure.
Fuck it, I give up. digg / Popular, you win. The most diggs I've ever gotten on a story I've written is a paltry 26, and I haven't ever been successful at submitting a story. In fact, the only thing I've consistently succeeded at is failing to ever make digg / Popular. After giving it a lot of thought, I've realized why I will forever fail at impressing the masses:
  1. I don't masturbate to promo shots of the Nintendo Wii.
  2. I am the 59,752nd digger on digg, which means I have as much persuasive power as a gay Democrat in Alabama.
  3. The only thing I know how to hack is loogies (wait, that's hock...hawk?...damnit).
  4. I have better things to do than try to make digg / Popular. You know,  like go to work, exercise, have a social life, etc. (See also Why I Don't Give a Shit About World of Warcraft)
  5. Even if I did find a cool story to submit to digg, there's always some asshole who's up at 4 in the morning in Gary, Indiana, who's beaten me to it and submitted it first. I hate that guy.
  6. If I did somehow manage to beat Asshole From Gary, Indiana Who's Up At Four AM, I lack the Mysterious Magic Digg Touch, so the story would get a sympathy digg from my landlord before getting buried in a sea of K-Fed/Spears sex tape stories.
  7. When I'd post a complaint about my story getting usurped by said K-Fed/Spears sex tape story, my comment would get dugg down, I'd get called a moron or R-tard by 100,000 other digg users, and I'd drop to being the 60,000th digger on digg and see the new 59,752nd digger make digg / Popular. And it's that Asshole from Gary, Indiana.
  8. At this point I'd be pretty effing frustrated, so I would start digging down every story I can point my cursor on until I eventually get banned from digg.
  9. Enraged, I'd create 100 more user accounts and digg everything THE FUCK DOWN until Kevin Rose himself emailed me to chill the fuck out, it's only a website.
  10. Only a website? Only a WEBSITE?!??! Spiraling into a drunken rampage, I would hack a loog at my monitor, throw my computer at the nearest child I see, then run to the top of my apartment building and start sniping every mother fucker who passes by, all the while laughing maniacally and screaming my frothy-mouthed head off, "WILL I MAKE DIGG / POPULAR NOW, YOU BASTARDS??!!??!!!!!??!?"
The story of my sniping spree would get enough diggs to almost make digg / popular until...

a How To Mod Your PS3 article gets posted...by that Asshole from Gary, Indiana. Well played, Asshole. Well played.

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28 Comments

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coffeeguru

Brandon E
so, when I went to check that whole "where am i in the DIGG hierarchy" hooplah, you were 32321 and I'm at 49982.
and while I wasn't expecting to me, oh say, number 5 in line, i wasn't planning on being close to 50000 below the top.

I was just informed this is because we have lives......

Written on 13/11/06

Rebecca

Rebecca Kelley
Hmmm, 31,865 now. Digg, why must you play with my emotions? Written on 14/11/06

ScottWill

Scott Willoughby
If it makes you feel any better I'm at 87,885. Written on 13/11/06

Oatmeal

Matthew Inman
If it makes you feel any worse I'm #495 :) Written on 13/11/06

LukeW

Luke Williams
I know exactly how you feel mate. And thank god I found this side its great! Written on 17/11/06

codyg1985

Cody Goodman
Hear, hear. Seems like you have to be a part of one of the groups pthat promotes stories to the front page to have a voice at digg.

If it makes you feel different I am #16838.

You did get 190 diggs for this story...

Did you have a bad experience with Gary, IN at one time?

Written on 22/11/06

DrinkBait

Chris Hooley
WOW! How did you manage to get 26 diggs? YOU are amazing at it. Don't kill any babies just yet.

User 51,668 reporting: my top story ever got 3. I did report somebody else's once... it got 17 and it WAS FRIKKIN AWESOME BABY!!! Written on 1/12/06

bfs124

Barry
Yea, I fucking hate Digg. I love watching my stories get buried while the pussy Digg god who submits it 1 hour later rises to the top.

I thought about creating 30 Digg account and writing a program that automatically buries a story 30x given a certain users submissions that switched proxies and ips like crazy because diggs retarded system can barley make a fair voting system let alone track a barrage of buries. Written on 26/2/08

Burton

Burton Triad
Yeah, this story is doing alright so far...good luck with it. Written on 26/2/08

stunod7

jordan villarreal
I work in East Chicago, Indiana. Right next door to Gary. If it weren't for the crime statistics, I'd say lets go shawhomp him. Written on 26/2/08

Gary_Indiana

Gary
Hey, how's it going? I submitted this story before you but congrats you made it to the front page before i did... Written on 26/2/08

coffee_ninja

Brian Reich
This article absolutely slayed me... freaking classic! Written on 26/2/08

Ken

Ken
Chill the fuck up dude. You've made it! Written on 26/2/08

jamesatqmul

james
I had to signup for this:

1) Your on the front page.
2) I signed up to digg a few weeks ago, digged my second article and it made front page.

:) Written on 26/2/08

futball09

Tage
How do I check to see which Digg User # I am? Written on 26/2/08

RITskullz

b4r7
You don't... They took that down a long time ago. This article was written in '06 Written on 26/2/08

James

James
You just got made famous son!




http://thedrunkist.com Written on 26/2/08

Shockme

Stephen
You finally made front page and top story atm..

http://digg.com/comedy/Why_I_ll_never_make_Digg_Popular_2 Written on 26/2/08

RITskullz

b4r7
Top in all topics! Congrats! 'Bout time eh? Written on 26/2/08

GaryIndiana

Gary
Damn you Gary_Indiana..............Damn you Written on 26/2/08

netk

David
First of all. She's not a dude, her name's Rebecca guys, it's a girl! Remember those?

Second of all. Who's that guy from Indiana? I so want to see his profile!

Third of all... So you think that Britney tape might make it out sometime? Written on 26/2/08

mehmeh

Meh
LOL, this dude thinks there are girls on the internet. Written on 26/2/08

NiceHair

Pantine
What I find hilarious is not that you point out that the author is a female but that I thought from your pic that you were one (not that I'd hit it with even the guy from Indianas dick [no offense]). Written on 26/2/08

stacyr

stacy
if you like muse, queen, franz ferdinand, or the cold war kids, check out Carlotta: http://www.CarlottaTheBand.com Written on 26/2/08

Montrell274

Carlos
so this is how you pwn digg! Written on 26/2/08

Geoserv

Geoserv
I hear ya on this one.

Added to TopStumbles:
http://www.topstumbles.com/general/drivl-com-why-ill-never-make-digg-popular/ Written on 26/2/08

nazzdeq

Nazzdeq
Use www.subbmitt.com instead. You can post comments or submit articles without even signing up. Every article will make it to the front page and douche bags cannot ban together to put some bullshit story there.

It just launched and I like it already. It doesn't have all of the useless features or crap that sites like digg or reddit have. Written on 26/2/08

I started using http://www.subbmitt.com now too. Subbmitt is great because every article makes the front page and I think they rotate articles from the queue to the front page every two minutes. This ensures the site isn't as boring as the others, but it really depends on how many articles get submitted. Hopefully it catches on. Edit | Written on 13/5/08

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