I get on the train, sit down, and start reading the paper. I'm enjoying myself, well, as much as I can being packed like a sardine into one of England's finest choo-choos and wanting so much to stretch my legs out that I contemplate resting them on my fellow passenger's face, but then it happens... The back of the paper draws near, and I've still got 45 minutes of my journey to go.

Cold sweat
What to do?
Nervous headache
No choice
SUDOKU!

It's about now that I start to pray that I won't be able to find a pen... Shit. It seems to appear, magically, at the top of my bag. There's no excuse. I begin.

Now, I don't always go along with the general consensus. I don't consider myself a complete dolt, but when it comes to these damn squares of hell I seem to have a problem. It's not that I can't do them. Honest. I get a Sudoku alone in a room and we'll have a whale of a time--it's just in public that it's different.

I can't help but feel the pressure as soon as I start. The beady eyes of the other Sudoku-ers are on me like a hot poker on a defenceless puppy. I try to shut them out and get on, but I feel the mistakes calling out to me, trying to gain my confidence and trap me in their immortal world of laughing-stock.

I decide to start on the 'simple' puzzle. This is already a bit of a faux par - "who does the 'simple' ones?" They say, "Loser!", but it makes me feel good. Like a boxer beating up a small disabled monkey before the prize fight. My confidence is up, and that's where it all goes wrong.

I move on to the harder puzzle, overconfident, and am flying along until I get to the last 3 squares. In my attempt at breaking the land-speed record for Sudoku on a train and impress my fellow passengers, I have made a mistake and, to put it simply, ballsed the whole thing up. My face starts to glow red; has anyone noticed? That woman did glance over at me. Bitch. "Oooh yeah, cos you're so clever doing your stupid maths. What, think you're better than me? It's only a chuffin' Sudoku, you ugly cow-faced badger-rapist!"

Phew, calm down, it's okay, she's blind! Maybe if I just fill in the last few squares anyway people will think I did it right. But then I'll have to make sure I put the paper in my bag straight away - if I leave it on the train anyone could pick it up and discover my dirty little secret. How could I ever show my face on this train again? What to do? WHAT TO DO?

I wish I'd never started this. "Never darken my door again, you bastard Sudoku!" is my reaction, and it will hold true for up to 24 hours when my defences will once again break down and I'll get sucked in. I hate Sudoku, but at the same time I need it. I need to beat it, I need to complete all the Sudokus in the world so that never again will I feel I need to prove myself and fail. I must become king of the Sudoku world and then destroy it! It is the only way I will ever be free.