It's Christmas - a time I usually like to spend ritually abusing and humiliating my nearest and dearest but it's also a time of Christmas cracker jokes.
I was thinking about which hilarious little one-liners would be making me regret not buying the more expensive box of crackers when I remembered some of my favourites.
They may not quite make it into a cracker but they're just as crap! Enjoy...
What's blue and smells of paint?
Blue paint
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot
What's worse than finding 10 babies in a bin?
Finding 1 baby in 10 bins
Why does Rupert the Bear wear yellow and black chequered trousers?
Because he's a fucking twat.
How do you make a dog drink?
Put one in a blender
How do you make a cat go woof?
Cover it in petrol and throw a match
What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe?
Roberto!
Why should you not pick on a dwarf with no qualifications?
Because it's not big and its not clever
What's red and bad for your teeth?
A Brick
What's white and can't climb trees?
A fridge!
What's white wears checked trousers and can't climb trees?
Rupert The Fridge.
How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?
Wi' Jammin
What does Bob Marley say to his friends when he buys doughnuts?
Hope you like Jammin too.
How many kids with attention deficit disorder does it take to change a lightbulb?
Wanna ride bikes?
What should you do if you're attacked by a gang of clowns?
Go for the juggler
**How's this for BAD!! Could be my favourite joke ever...**
If it takes a man a week to walk a fortnight, how many apples are there in a barrel of grapes?
A meat and potato pie!!
**I realise these next two aren't one-liners but hey, i'm making the rules up as I go along**
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amahl while the other goes to a family in Spain and is named Juan. Years later Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother and upon receiving the picture she tells her husband she wishes she also had a picture of Amahl. "But they're twins," says her husband, "If you've seen Juan you've seen Amahl.
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there's a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says ‘What the hell was that all about?"
Thank you and goodnight, I'm here all week!!
PS. Please feel free to add your own terrible jokes to the list, I look forward to reading them. I say look forward, I mean, I'll read them if it's a choice between that and poking myself in the eye with a rusty nail.
PPS. If you've got this far, congratulations, you've won yourself a look at the worst joke ever, proceed with caution...
Whats blue and fucks old women?
Hypothermia
Or possibly even worse
Me in my lucky blue coat!
Don't say I didn't warn you!
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