The cashew, really, is the king of nuts. At the very least the eldest prince, heir to the throne, a strapping young lad with glittering eyes and wicked sense of humor that makes the ladies go all weak-in-the-kness giddy.

Brazil nuts are, on the whole, nearing critical mass and thus are not to be trusted. Each contains 1,892 calories per serving, which is 1/4 of the whole nut. It has been rumored that Jupiter lacked a brazil nut and thus merely became a gas giant rather than a star.

Peanuts, as one might suspect, are the peasants of Nutland. They more or less rarely shower, farm the land in fiefdom, and are likely to die prematurely of dragon fire or a crusade.

Pecans, by very nature, are from the Far East. Also known as Connecticut. Many settlers, setting out from the Albino Mountains of Utah, headed to Connecticut in search for the glorious and legendary pecans. Unfortunately all the pecans that existed were harvested to extinction in 1793 by a man named Juan Pierre Helmut. In the early 1900's a scientist cloned pecans from the stomachs of dead Spaniards who had emigrated to france and then married their eldest daughters to German patriachs known particularly for their fine taste in leather shorts.

One must not forget walnuts. Known for their endurance in fires, walnuts are known as "the Joan of Arc" of nuts. In addition to being resistant to fire, walnuts also are resitant to teeth, stomach acids, rabid walrus bulls, and those annoying birds that shit on everything.

Macadamias possibly pack the most flavor of any nut known to man. In this way they are much like badgers. There was once a rumor that macadamias are grown primarily in Hawaii but this is not the case. It has recently been disproven as a small and unknown island off the shore of the puddle in my parking lot was found to produce more macadamias per capita then any other part of the world.

Often overlooked as a true nut is the Coconut. Mostly it is overlooked when it falls from the tree and bonks you squarely on the head whereupon you also overlook your name, date of birth, sex, and have a tendancy to spontainiously go colorblind. Coconut is also used in the manufacture, distribution, and sale of Macaroon cookies - a known source of tetraflourocarbonate 108-24-111 isotopes. Coconuts also have been used sparsely throughout europe as equine replacements.

The most common nut to be roasted over an open fire are Chestnuts. This was not always the case as people also often roasted balls of mud over fires but this practice has fallen out of favor within the last century. Also within the last century, chestnuts have made attempts to conquer the moon, claiming it in the name of hard-shells around the world. The attempts all have failed as chestnuts have yet to master rocketry, though they are rather handy with a wrench.

Let us take a moment to cover and desribe various ways to crack open some of the harder shelled nuts.

For centuries decorative and functional nut crackers have been made throughout the world. This of course in response to the age-old question of how to crack open a nut. Coconuts, for example, require a sharp instrument (preferably a macheté, sword, large wooden spoon, piercing glances, or sheep) to break open. Walnuts, though difficult to open as well, require far less dangerous tools. They often succomb to berating dialogue about their mothers. The peanut, of course, is the whore of nuts and can be opened with the snap of a finger.

Some nut opening devices became stars of operas written by Tchaikov(w)sky. Clearly the man was deranged and obsessed with giant wooden soldiers that chomp, mercilessly, at unsuspecting and often innocent tree-borne sustanance.

One must not forget to pay homage to the great Pistachio. There are two primary types of pistachios. The "natural" color of course is bright purple. When picked pistachios turn either red or beige, depending on how mad they are at the electoral process. Inside one will often find a green tint. This of course is due to leprosy. Pistachios were named after the great Vinny Pistachio of 16th century Florence, without whom none of the rennaisance would have had kickbacks, pasta, broken kneecaps, or episodes of the Sopranos. My brother once got pistachios stuck in the sockets of his freshly removed wisdom teeth. To this day the mention of the nut makes him barf. Texture the floor. Technicolor yawn. De-line his esophagus. Bite the acid bath. Shoot puree out his nose. Have a second go at tasting dinner. Forget peristalsis. Fark the woogy markingblingbootertab. Sex with bees.

Hazelnuts are a favorite nut of coffee drinkers and sane people alike. Used for its sweet flavoring and soft, sensual curves that make any man think very very bad thoughts, hazelnuts have been a delicacy since they were invented by pigmies that were stranded at sea for 32 days before finally dying of drug overdoses. Several chocolatiers include whole or half hazelnuts in their chocolates but this doesn't hide the fact that elves make chocolate. For some strange reason, hazelnuts are also known as "filberts". Filbert himself has yet to coment on this but as he looks remarkably like a hazelnut, it is easy to see where the confusion takes palce.

The last nut we will talk about is the pine nut. Pine nuts, as their name implies, come from pine trees. Pine nuts have grown on every continent in america since the beginning of Friends. Essence of pine nuts are used in Pinesol so I suggest you drink some right now. A little known fact is that pine nuts are used as a major compenent in pesto. Also they are used to mark the outline of virgin sacrifices to the god, Arbudallama, an ancient Mayan god known for his anger, mistrust, greed, and height (he was 4'3"). This, I feel, says something about pesto.