This is the problem I have with fast food: it really has nothing to do with the food per se; it's more of an issue with the people who make it. Like the drive-thru lady with no teeth that's being a fucking ketchup Nazi. Or Fungus Face on the register that can't find the button that magically adds cheese to a sandwich. The Bun Toaster who never quite toasts the buns enough. Their attitudes all suck. I can't wait for the day when cyborgs replace them all. When all sandwiches will be made with super-human precision. When you can stick your money in the damn thing's mouth and the correct change just falls out of its ass. Those will be the days. Until then, there's this guy...

So I'm driving around the other day, running errands (when I say running errands, I mean driving past the same bus stop 5 times in a row trying to figure out what this crazy dude is yelling to himself about. I can't make out much, but I know it has something to do with his radio running out of batteries and him getting  "bamboozled." Good stuff.), when all of the sudden I realize, "Hey, I haven't eaten anything in like 45 minutes. If I don't get something in my stomach soon, I damn well might die." So I pull into Sonic...

Now, I love Sonic. There's something about the atmosphere of it, ya know? The waitresses in roller skates, the be-bop tunes, the homeless guy across the street yelling about his radio... It all just makes you feel like you've been magically whisked away to the 1950s, if only for a moment. I pull up to the drive-thru and notice they have a limited time extra special Cajun Chicken Sandwich. That's my shit.

So I tell the man on the mic what's up and start to pull around. I finally get up to the window and am greeted by some 16 year old pube-tard with a headset. OK fine, but this kid has to be the biggest goober this side of the Mississippi River. He's wearing glasses that look like they were fashioned out of old coke bottles and a wire hanger. They magnify his eyes to the point where he looks like some sort of giant insect, and if anything can be said for them, it could only be that they divert attention away from his horrifying acne.

I hand Bug Eyes my money and he retreats to his register. My mouth is watering. My palms are sweaty. I can't wait. I can already start to taste those zesty Cajun spices. Maybe there's paprika in it...I like paprikia. He opens up the window and hands me my change. Shouldn't be long now at all. Ha ha....so little did I know.

Now, I'm not sure if it was something I inadvertantly said or if he caught a glimpse of the huge boner that I had for the chicken sandwich, but for some reason... this kid wanted to chat it up. I will do my best to recap our conversation in its entirety; however, hunger sometimes clouds the memory. For the sake of organization, his words will be in italics and mine in bold.  Figure it out.

 

So Is this a Civic or an Accord?

What?

Your car. Is it a Civic or an Accord?

Oh. It's a Civic.

Nice. What year is it? 2004?

2005.

(pause)

So, is this the EX or the LX edition?

What?

Your Car. Is it the EX or the LX edition?

Oh. Uh, it's the LX.

V6?

Mm-hmm.

Nice. I like the blue and red lighting on your gauges. Pretty cool.

Yeah. Pretty cool.

Is that an iPod you got sitting on the dash right there?

Huh? Oh, yeah. Nifty device.

How do you get it to stay on the dash like that?

I just bought this little holder...thing.

Does it work?

The holder? Yeah, it works pretty good.

Where'd you get it?

Ummmm...Radio Shack, I think.

 

Now, by this time I can see my food sitting on the counter behind him, all bagged up and ready to go. I can practically see the steam coming off it. God dammit!!! I could be halfway home right now, deliciousness in tow...instead, I'm sitting here playing drive-thru Jeopardy with some kid in a fuckin' paper hat. "I'll take where the hell is my sandwich for $5, please." Ding Ding Ding!!!  You know what that noise means...Double Jeopardy!!! More fucking questions!!!!!

Now, is that the 20 Gigabyte or the 40 Gig?

Ughh...it's the 20.

How many songs does it hold?

I don't know.

Probably a lot, huh?

Huh...

Here comes the Lightning Round!

How do you get that to play on your stereo? Is that the iTrip you have plugged into the--

Yeah.

The one that plugs into the top and transmits a signal to the--

YES.

How's the reception on that thing, because my friend Tim told me that--

YES!!!  I MEAN...IT'S GOOD.   Hey, I got a question...

Huh?

Is that my chicken sandwich?

What?

Over there!!! My sandwich...is that my sandwich!!

Oh...yeah.  Here you go.

The one with the flame-broiled chicken, crisp lettuce, and a zesty blackened Cajun sauce?!?!

Umm...yeah.

Cool. (Tires squeal)

 

I peel out and start heading for home, ranting to myself the entire way there. For fuck's sake!! Did I order a best friend off the menu by accident? Let me check my receipt...nope. Not on there. I'm way too patient. I should have told that kid to shut the fuck up and give me my sandwich. Now it's going to be cold. I can't microwave it because then the lettuce gets hot and the buns get all soggy. Fuck!!! I hate hot lettuce and soggy buns!!! I come screeching into the driveway and run into the house. I'm gonna attack this thing. I'm gonna swallow this bitch whole. I rip open the wrapper and...wait...what the...what the fuck is this?

This is a regular chicken sandwich...

Where's the zesty blackened Cajun sauce?!!

Gross...this lettuce has skidmarks.

Flame-broiled? This looks like they cooked it on the asphalt out back!!!

BAMBOOZLED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!