Dear Permanent Residency Applicant:

Thank you for applying for an Immigrant Visa in the United States. There's a few procedures we need you to go through before you can legally reside here, but because we're here to help you through this process, we'll outline some of them for you here.

First of all, we need you to fill out your last eight addresses six times on each form we give you. There are sixteen forms. Your addresses must be identical each time and on each form: writing "Main Street East" on one form and "Main Street E." on another will immediately void your application for residency.

Next, you'll notice that there are many multiple choice questions on your application forms. Each multiple choice question has ten possible answers, eight of which classify you as a terrorist and none of which apply to your particular case. Although the form states that "answering yes (to any of these questions) does not necessarily mean that you are not entitled to... register for permanent residence", we all know that this is just verbage and admitting to any of this shit will force us to send you to jail in Texas.

The USCIS is now requiring that all applicants prove that they have been vaccinated against all diseases. That's all of them. If you haven't yet participated in the experimental HIV vaccination program, we suggest you sign up now.

Our doctors will also have to screen you before you're approved. Just like the nurses at Student Health who tried to convince you that you were pregnant in college, our doctors will quiz you until you admit your positive status for AIDS, gonorrhea, tuberculosis, parvovirus, heartworms, tapeworms, feline leukemia and Hepatitis Alphabet Soup. Don't try to argue with them. They're smarter than you are.

We won't include a form or instructions on how to obtain an Alien Registration Number, but we'll require this mystery figure on every form. Leaving it blank will force us to deport you, specifically to Mexico, even if you're from - say - Denmark.

Once we've received all of these forms, we'll try our best to deny your appliation. Failing this, you'll advance to the interview stage. Some things to remember for your interview include the fact that you'll likely leave it in handcuffs. If you're applying for residency on the basis of a marriage, we'll prove that you're a dirty whore who's been sleeping with everyone in your state aside from your spouse.

If you do get through the interview stage without falling into FBI custody, you'll think you're good to go. Just kidding, fuckers. If you've been married to your "spouse" for less than two years, you're only going to be upgraded to Conditional Residency. It'll take another three years before you have a hope in hell of seeing a real Green Card.

NB: Using white-out on any form will immediately void your application and give us reason to stamp it with our special "Ha!! Terrorist!" stamp.

NB: For the privilege of being thrown out of the country instead of leaving it voluntarily, we'll be charging upwards of $1000 for all of the above. Your lawyer will charge even more.

Congratulations on your decision to apply for United States permanent residency. We hope to have your bitch-ass deported within the next twelve to eighteen months. God Bless America.

Sincerely,
USCIS Minion