Drivl's Guide to a Scrooge-tastic Christmas
by Scott Willoughby []
Published on 13/12/06 in Holidays
• Donate dented cans of food—the homeless could use some botulism.
• Give beggars change...CANADIAN change! That shit's worth less than their pocket lint!
• Dress in your finest ratty blanket and go eat at all of the free holiday meals at homeless shelters. Gorge yourself, then puke it all up.
• Send your nieces and nephews puppies...dead puppies.
• Create One Key To Rule Them All: this master key will open all United Way, Goodwill and Salvation Army storerooms. Rob them blind. Sell the stuff you steal to "vintage" clothing stores. Burn the cash in front of the poor.
• You know those bell-ringing twats outside store entrances? They are the reason silencers were invented.
• Buy every can of cranberry sauce at every grocery store in town. Burn it atop a pile of turkeys and hams. If people complain, pee on them.
• Donate toys earmarked for poor children in other countries. Make sure you only buy toys made by those same children. Toxic materials preferred.
• Throw a bucket of water on the doorstep of every Chinese restaurant in town so that it freezes over: May as well ruin it for the Jews while you're at it.
• Replace the baby Jesus in the local church Nativity Scene with a fetus in a jar.
• Organize a group of carolers...only sing Slayer songs.
• As a Christmas bonus, give your best employees the glorious gift of overtime!
• Decorate a Christmas tree in your front yard. Instead of tinsel, get pig entrails from the butcher. Let the rotting stink make the neighbors cry.
• Drop mannequins dressed as Santa down the chimneys of houses with kids, then start screaming loudly. It'll be a riot when the kids wake up to see "Santa" burning alive in the fireplace.
• Train a pack of reindeer to hunt for cats. Watch the horror as the neighborhood children see Santa's reindeer mauling their feline friends.
• Train a pack of cats to hunt for reindeer. Watch the horror as neighborhood children see their feline friends mauling Santa's reindeer.
• Replace every copy of A Christmas Story in the video store with Little Nicky.
• Only donate canned pumpkin pie filling, just to remind the homeless that they'll never have the actual pie.
• Get a job as a mall Santa. Tell every child that, because they're so greedy, the toy they want most is the implement that you'll use to kill them.
• Start a rumor that Wal-Mart killed Jesus. Watch the red states go up in flames.
• Don't stop at thousands of blinding, obnoxious, blinking lights to decorate your house; add sirens and air horns to complete the attention-whoring effect...leave them on all night long.
• Add a trio of high-powered, sweeping spotlights to your light display. Neighborhood kids will stay up all night peering out of their windows looking for Santa. Come morning, they'll be too tired to enjoy their toys!
• Make sock puppets out of gloves...it'll confuse the fuck out of everyone.
• Find out where all of the local bums hang out. Go down there and burn scented candles that smell of delicious holiday food. Watch them salivate, then laugh heartily while you eat a whole pie in front of them...run before they kill you.
• If neighborhood children build a snowman, deface it into a snow-monster. Build a mob of angry, torch-wielding snow-villagers to melt that damn monster.
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JaneCopland
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JaneCopland
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