Though clearly lacking the psychadelic undertones of the two decades that preceded it, I think that the degree of bat-shit crazy and otherwise fucked up programming that was inflicted on the youth of the '80s is largely underestimated. We did not, in fact have to deal with the immensely horrifying and clearly nightmare-inducing H.R. Puff n' Stuff (who, if what I've gathered from screencaps and YouTube is correct [and it usually is], is some sort of mutant that emerged after an apocalyptic battle that killed most of mankind. He and his flesh-eating ghouls now roam the streets, searching for human children who they force-feed psychotropics before devouring them whole).

Nevertheless, there was some fairly creepy and downright bizarre programs that we were exposed to, and holiday time proved no exception. At the time, I just accepted them. It's taken me years of growth, maturity, and introspection to look back and ask myself, "What the fuck was that about? No, seriously. What the fuck? That's really messed up."

Here are some of my more scarring or messed up memories of Christmas specials. If any are missing, remember - this is a list of batshit crazy, scary, or weird-ass Christmas programs. Odds are the ones I left out are just stupid. If I wrote about every stupid Christmas special out there, there would be chapters devoted exclusively to ABC family. No one needs that.  

The Little Match Girl (1937)
My memory is pretty spotty on this one. If I remember correctly, it was one of those weird, stop-action Rankin-Bass abominations that leave you with the unsettling sensation that your toys might come alive and tear out your tongue as you sleep. Anyway, it was the third grade, and we were sitting in stiff-backed plastic chairs in a darkened cafeteria that still reaked of chile con carne. So, you know, very comfortable and Chrismassy.

The storyline was something like this: A little girl has no family, so her grandmother takes care of her. Then grandmother dies. So The Little Match Girl sells - shockingly - matches as her only means of income (which, if you ask me, is a self-fulfilling prophesy. If she had called herself Little I Have a Family and Food and Everyone Loves Me Girl, this probably wouldn't have happened). She eventually has to sell all her matches, and because she has none left, and still doesn't really have any money, she freezes to death in the street. No, I'm serious. This is the sort of crap they showed 8 year-olds.

This peppy romp was courtesy of Hans Christian Anderson, who, as you might know, wrote "The Little Mermaid." In the real version (and not the sanitized Disney one) the sea witch cuts out the mermaid's tongue (I don't know if this has to do with my tongue-related fear I mentioned earlier...), the prince never falls in love with her, and she throws herself into the ocean, turning into seafoam as she sinks. So, way to go, H.C.! I'm feeling Christmassy all over!   There's a version on YouTube - it's not the one I saw as a kid, but it's still just about the most depressing thing you'll ever see: http://youtube.com/watch?v=eLQ0IfOReqU   

A Smoky Mountain Christmas (1986)  
Nothing says "Christmas" like massive cleavage and squatters. While not emotionally scarring like the others on this list, "A Smoky Mountain Christmas" will have you wondering what exactly was in grandma's eggnog. Starring no other than Dolly Parton, Lee Majors ('cuz he's the unknown stuntman who made Redford such a star), and a group of rag-tag moppets sure to steal your heart! Again, this is one I haven't seen in a while, but my understanding is that Dolly heads up to a friend's cabin, and behold - homeless orphans have been staying there! Will they discover the meaning of Christmas? Does anyone care?

Other issues include: How did the orphans even get up to the Smoky Mountains? Where do they find food? Why haven't they gone all Lord of the Flies on each other, or started making babies together (as we've clearly learned happens each time kids are stranded without parental supervision or guidance [see Blue Lagoon])? Why Lee Majors? Also, there's a witch. Don't get me wrong - I've nothing against witches, especially if the genre or season of the movie fit (see Potter, Harry). But witches in a Dolly Parton movie featuring Lee Majors? That makes no fucking sense.

I don't remember how the witch is defeated, but I'm guessing Dolly does it with love or the true meaning of Christmas, or possibly her global endownments (with are full of hot chocolate and eggnog! Yay!). Also, Lee Majors is in it. And - I'm going out on a limb here - I think they sing. Mmm! Pass the cocoa! Note: I looked this movie up on imdb, and found that Lee Majors' name in the movie is Mountain Dan. This is quite possibly the best name for any character in the history of film.    

Emmet Otter's Jug Band Christmas (1977)  
I loved this special as a kid, though now I can't recall why. It's a fairly tragic tale with a God-awful Gift of the Magi twist, where everyone (I love this) sacrifices something that isn't theirs. Apparently Emmet Otter's father died, and it's just him and his mother. They're both broke, and Mom has to wash clothes of the wealthy critters in town so they have enough money to live, while Emmet helps out doing odd jobs around town. Also, they're muppets. So it's cheery.  

Anyway, Emmet and his mother both try to save Christmas by trying to win a cash prize in some sort of talent show. They both destroy their only means of income in the process (Ma Otter hocks Emmet's tool kit, which belonged to his dead father, and Emmet puts a hole through Ma's washtub to make himself some sort of hobo instrument to play in his band). The financial planning gene is not strong in this family. Both Ma Otter and Emmet's band lose the competition to some last-minute entrants, "The Riverbottom Nightmare Band" (it's the closest thing to muppet death metal), which, while incredibly awesome, does not seem like the sort of act that would woo what I can only assume is a conservative panel of rural farm muppet judges.

Also, considering that Ma Otter and Emmet now face destitution and starvation, it's pretty sad and makes you wish the muppet welfare program were stronger. But, lo and behold, they get some sort of work out of the deal, by combining Ma's voice and Emmet's band. So, Christmas this year will be cold and hungry, but if they live until next year - joy!  

The Christmas Toy (1986)  
In another "I swear it's true" storyline, all our toys are alive! And they have feelings! And we can kill them simply by looking at them! I don't know what the hell these writers were thinking in the mid-80s, but I'm just going to start sending my therapist bills straight to them.  

Again, we're given a group of tertiary muppets - this time they are toys belonging to a little girl. The toys are alive and move, but when someone sees them they become "frozen" forever. And by frozen, I mean "dead." There's even a pile of the frozen toys in one corner. Think of it as a taxidermied muppet graveyard.  

The star is Rugby, a self-centered toy tiger that is the little girl's favorite. As such, he goes around making the lesser toys feel like crap. Hooray for our protagonist. Soon, Rugby finds out that the little girl is about to get a new toy for Christmas, who will likely replace him on the totem pole. Bet you wish you hadn't been such a dick to like, everyone, huh, Rugby? So Rugby goes to check out the new toy, but she's this Amazonian warrior action-figure that scared the hell out of me. I honestly couldn't understand why the kid would want to play with Barbarella on steroids instead of a nice stuffed tiger.

Anyway, the scary Amazon toy gets out of her box (which, wow...this sounds a hell of a lot like "Toy Story"...weird) and needs to be coaxed back in. Oh, and a little mouse toy becomes "frozen" in the whole ordeal. So basically, he's dead. And the Tiger, who was an ass to the mouse toy, sings to his little dead mouse body. Which is the saddest thing, quite possible, ever. Unless you count little girls dying in the snow.  

But anyway, apparently, the whole thing resolves itself well. The toys come back to life (so, great way to teach kids about the permanence of death) and they all become friends. But, did I remember any of that? Hell, no. All I remember is crying frantically, hugging several of my toys, pleading, "Please don't be dead," and making a hell of a lot of noise before I approached my toy box, so that they'd know to stop moving.    

One Magic Christmas (1985)  
Again, I can barely recall this one, and while it had a happy resolution (I think) all I can remember is how damn sad it was. And while those pinkos over on the imdb users' forums don't like spoilers, I say screw them: The family is having all these financial problems, Mom and Dad's marriage is in trouble, and it looks like they're heading for divorce - but no worries! - before they have time to call it quits, Dad, the sunny Christmas-loving imp that he is, dies! Sigh.

I really am not understanding the whole Christmas/death connection. With George Bailey it made sense - and talk about a movie that resolves itself well. All I can remember is his running through the town, and then into the house where the kids climb all over him and he kisses Donna Reed and...sigh. That is so not this movie. No. Dad dies, and the little daughter starts talking to Gideon, a Christmas angel, played by Harry Dean Stanton, about how they can help mom (played by Mary Steenburgen) get the Christmas spirit back. Which, I'm sorry, but if my little girl had a friend who was a 40-something scraggly old man who looked like he was really into heroin and panties, and said he was an angel, I would have that asshole dragged off to prison for, let's say, a billion years. Even as a kid I knew this was not a good idea.

So HDS and the little girl and Mom go off to Santa's workshop and they discover the true meaning of Christmas. But I don't really get how that helps come December 26th, when Mom is still broke and widowed and has to deal with funeral expenses. But silly me, I must be missing the point of Christmas.   It's to scare children, right?