Now, imagine my surprise when I found out that Bridge to Terabithia had been adapted into a movie. "Hmmm," I thought, "this will be a real downer, but maybe it'll appeal to people my age who read the book as a kid and really love it while at the same time loathe it for hurting their soul."
So, I watched the movie trailer. And THIS is the atrocity that besieged my eyes:
Christ Almighty! What the hell was that celluloid abomination?! That's not a preview for Bridge to Terabithia, it's the preview to The Chronicles of Narnia Potter: the Return of the Eragon. I'm assuming that studio execs figured they could either totally massacre the plot in order to appeal to today's ADD-riddled, fantasy-obsessed youth, or pull the nastiest bait and switch since Pearl Harbor (uh, the movie, not the bombing).
Anyway, hey Hollywood, while you're raping and pillaging the books we so cherished and adored as young adults, why not take a gander at these?:
Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret.
Book synopsis:
An adolescent girl obsesses over the various headaches that accompany the onslaught of puberty, like if she'll ever get breasts, a boyfriend, or her period.
Movie synopsis:
Renamed to "Are You There World? It's Me, Mackenzie" (both to appeal to a non-Christian audience and to "hip up" the main character), the young heroine is an intergalactic teenager who has to save the universe from an evil overlord with a futuristic hairdo and outrageous plastic outfits (played with great scenery-chewing pleasure by Alan Cumming), all while juggling homework, her male best friend, and a squadron of mean girls. Oh, and she gets her period at the end.
The BFGBook synopsis:
A little girl meets a big friendly giant who, using his dream trumpet, blows dreams to people each night while they're asleep. He and the little girl team together to save the Queen of England from getting eaten by other, meaner giants.
Movie synopsis:
Now called "You Got BF'd, G!", the movie follows a tall aspiring hip hop artist who, at the encouragement of Lil' Kim, enters a hip hop competition and schools the other entrants. The film is rife with mad rhymes, sick break dancing, and montages galore.
Ramona and Her Father
Book synopsis: Mr. Quimby loses his job, which causes stress in the household. Ramona makes it her mission to help him quit smoking. Hilarity ensues, and eventually Mr. Quimby finds a new job.
Movie synopsis: The movie is called "Ramona and Her Father in: Sudden Death." Ramona and her dad attend Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals, only to find out that the vice president of the United States, also in attendance, is being held hostage by terrorists who will blow up the stadium at the end of the game unless their money is transferred to an account. Ramona runs around the arena, disarming all of the bombs and taking out bad guys in the process. At one point she has to suit up as one team's goalie and make a heart-stopping save in order to keep the game going and, consequently, prevent the arena from exploding. At the end of the movie, Ramona saves everyone and kills the terrorists. As a thank you, Mr. Quimby promises to cut down to one pack of cigarettes a day.
Maniac MageeBook synopsis:
A modern day tall tale, Maniac Magee is an extraordinary homeless boy who is awesome at baseball, running, and untying knots. He's also "colorblind" and teaches the town not to be prejudiced. Oh, and he's allergic to pizza.
Movie synopsis:
Maniac Magee eats some tainted pizza that causes his heart to explode if his pulse drops below 180. In a Run Lola Run/Crank hybrid, he must run around town untying knots until the pizza passes through his system and he poops it out.
Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing
Book synopsis:
A fourth grade boy wins a turtle at a birthday party and is incessantly annoyed by his little brother, Fudge, who eventually swallows said pet turtle because he's a shit head.
Movie synopsis:
Called "Teenage Mutant Ninja Fudgie-O Must Die," in this adaptation two brothers are constantly at war. One of them swallows a mutant turtle and gets super powers. In order to stop his brother from taking over the world, Peter takes dance lessons from Aaliyah (yes, I know she's dead; she's CG inserted like that one episode of The Sopranos where they used stock footage of Livia, even though she died between seasons) and breakdances around Fudge until Fudge explodes. Then Peter and the BFG perform a hip hop duet over the end credits that summarizes the plot of the movie. T-U-R-T-L-E POWER!
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