1) Create Your Own Zwinky
Your average thirteen year old logs onto MySpace and finds this naked little tart staring back at her, wanting to be dressed in the sluttiest school girl outfit imaginable. Hey look! I gave her red pubes and made her look like she's about to eat someone's ass!
2) eGet-A-Disease! OMG!
Grammar???!!! Punctuation???!! Spelling?... When you wanna slut it up on MySpace, it's soooooo not necessary!!!
If your kids aren't met by a naked teen when they log in, they might be treated to the fake AIM conversation between Blonde_Chick and Oh_So_Single
Meet creeps on the website that instructs kids to "come spin the bottle and start flirting!" and promises you "hotties in your inbox." The younger and more Zwinky, the better.
3) People Who Have Boyfriends Are Happy. People Who Don't Are Losers.
By means of subliminal messages, MySpace lets the youth of today know that you're destined to be bitter and unhappy if you don't have a douchey-looking beefcake to rub yourself all over. I can't help but think, however, that the Yes and No buttons are in the wrong places.
4) The Old DUI Advertisement Trick
Let's market shit to kids by associating Hollywood party girl glamour with drinking and driving. I mean, DUIs are so hot right now. What's better than drugs, eating disorders and reckless endangerment? IPODS!
5) MILF Watch
Man, it sucks that your mom has had four kids, drives a Kia Sedona and buys Mom jeans from Ross. Way to not be cool, loser.
6) The Webcam Insta-Fame Gag
She's gansta and goth at the same time, yo. And via her awesome webcam, you can watch her while you tell her you're sixteen and into the All American Rejects, X-Box and your puppy, Dan. She doesn't have to know that you're forty-five, registered with the state, living in a studio apartment and dressed in a beer-stained singlet. And it's not like she's going to guess, either.
7) Dress Your Zwinky For Da Club Or Da Corner
Here she is again, still strangely pre-pubescent and still with those impressive breasts.
8) The National Lampoon
Can you believe we caught this dumb ho checking herself out, topless? Actually, their words are "Are you ready to see what this naughty hottie is up to?"
Women are stupid bitches. Video them while they're naked and put it on the internet.
8 & 9) Fun With Guns
I can't help but think that associating shooting with insta-cash isn't such a rad idea in the current climate.
Did they say five grand a week for life? They meant a five grand fine, and life.
10) The Multichoice Simpson Test
My guess was "all three", and since the little black check mark skips between Jude, Josh and Adam, it seems that I was right!
Footnote: While researching this buttastic article, I came across this:
Americans even writing "mate" is just wrong, and yet Tom produces this gem in order to get his arse out of any legal trouble when Britain's sex offenders stalk Zwinkies on his site.
Thx Tom. Ur a lejind.
Your average thirteen year old logs onto MySpace and finds this naked little tart staring back at her, wanting to be dressed in the sluttiest school girl outfit imaginable. Hey look! I gave her red pubes and made her look like she's about to eat someone's ass!
2) eGet-A-Disease! OMG!
Grammar???!!! Punctuation???!! Spelling?... When you wanna slut it up on MySpace, it's soooooo not necessary!!!
If your kids aren't met by a naked teen when they log in, they might be treated to the fake AIM conversation between Blonde_Chick and Oh_So_Single
Meet creeps on the website that instructs kids to "come spin the bottle and start flirting!" and promises you "hotties in your inbox." The younger and more Zwinky, the better.
3) People Who Have Boyfriends Are Happy. People Who Don't Are Losers.
By means of subliminal messages, MySpace lets the youth of today know that you're destined to be bitter and unhappy if you don't have a douchey-looking beefcake to rub yourself all over. I can't help but think, however, that the Yes and No buttons are in the wrong places.
4) The Old DUI Advertisement Trick
Let's market shit to kids by associating Hollywood party girl glamour with drinking and driving. I mean, DUIs are so hot right now. What's better than drugs, eating disorders and reckless endangerment? IPODS!
5) MILF Watch
Man, it sucks that your mom has had four kids, drives a Kia Sedona and buys Mom jeans from Ross. Way to not be cool, loser.
6) The Webcam Insta-Fame Gag
She's gansta and goth at the same time, yo. And via her awesome webcam, you can watch her while you tell her you're sixteen and into the All American Rejects, X-Box and your puppy, Dan. She doesn't have to know that you're forty-five, registered with the state, living in a studio apartment and dressed in a beer-stained singlet. And it's not like she's going to guess, either.
7) Dress Your Zwinky For Da Club Or Da Corner
Here she is again, still strangely pre-pubescent and still with those impressive breasts.
8) The National Lampoon
Can you believe we caught this dumb ho checking herself out, topless? Actually, their words are "Are you ready to see what this naughty hottie is up to?"
Women are stupid bitches. Video them while they're naked and put it on the internet.
8 & 9) Fun With Guns
I can't help but think that associating shooting with insta-cash isn't such a rad idea in the current climate.
Did they say five grand a week for life? They meant a five grand fine, and life.
10) The Multichoice Simpson Test
My guess was "all three", and since the little black check mark skips between Jude, Josh and Adam, it seems that I was right!
Footnote: While researching this buttastic article, I came across this:
Americans even writing "mate" is just wrong, and yet Tom produces this gem in order to get his arse out of any legal trouble when Britain's sex offenders stalk Zwinkies on his site.
Thx Tom. Ur a lejind.
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