Without futher ado, I present to you Slate's unanswered questions and our ingenious answers:

The Explainer's Unanswered Questions From 2006

What comes after 999 trillion?
999 trillion and one. If you meant, "What comes after 999 trillion, 999 billion, 999 million, 999 thousand 999 (aka 999,999,999,999,999) the answer would be 1 quadrillion (or 1,000,000,000,000,000). All things considered, this is also the projected US National Debt by 2012 if Republicans stay in the White House.

Why do train whistles at night always sound lonely and mournful? Not so in the daytime.
It's not them, it's you. You're more likely to sit around bemoaning life, dying your hair black and listening to Depeche Mode at night. The train whistle's cry reflects the pain of your tortured, angst-ridden soul.

By day, you put on your apron and head to the mall to work at Jamba Juice...and the train laughs at you in jolly torment.

Given the exchange and dispersion of matter, how likely is it/how often do we inhale/consume and/or incorporate into our own protein structure molecules that were once in some historical figure, say Abraham Lincoln?
This question is extremely complex, and I am just a guy, in a box, with an Etch-a-Sketch and a flashlight.  As such, I'll simplify it to, "Blah, blah, blah, how much of the food we eat is composed of molecules that were once in some famous historical figure, say Abraham Lincoln?"

I think we can figure this out by looking at three key factors:

-How many historical figures have there been in recorded history?
-How much biomass did they comprise?
-In what amount do you come in contact with them?

First off, we'll say recorded history began with the ancient Sumerians around 3000BCE. As such, we've got roughly 5000 years worth of people to sift through to find the famous ones.  This would require waaaay more time and effort than I'm willing to invest.  Fear not, we have other methods!

Based on the Keyfitz calculation, we can find that, in the last 5000 years, 82.432 billion people have lived a combined total of 2,060.8 billion years.

Now, Andy Warhol told us that, "In the future, everyone will be famous for 15 minutes." If we apply the Warhol Directive (as I like to call it) retroactively, we find that, for a global-historical average lifespan of 25 years, everyone spends 0.0001142% of their life being famous.  Multiply this percentage by the total historical population and we see that throughout history, there have been 94,100.5 lives-worth of fame.  We'll take this to mean that there have been 94,100.5 famous people. EVER.

Assuming those people had an average body weight of 70 kilograms; their combined biomass would be 6,587,032kg.  Since the complete biomass on Earth is estimated to be 1,877.29 TRILLION kilograms, only 0.0000003509% of all biomass on Earth has, at some point, been a famous person.

Let's figure now that in industrialized nations, the average individual eats roughly 1.5kg of food per day.  Multiplying by the percentage we just calculated, the average individual eats 5.264 micrograms of fame per day! That's almost 2 milligrams per year! Consider that the current average life expectancy worldwide is 66 years and you consume 132 milligrams of fame throughout your life!

Considering Abe Lincoln probably weighed about 175 lbs (79.5 kg), we can conclude that in your lifetime you will eat about 1/602^nd of a Lincoln worth of famous person.  Kudos to you, and happy eating!

Lasers are now powerful and small (at least I think they are), so why don't our troops carry laser guns?
A couple of reasons: 1) A laser beam wouldn't stop at its target like a bullet: you'd fire it and it's make a hole through everything for a mile. 2) In order to power a laser powerful enough to use as a weapon, you'd need a HUGE battery pack; too big and heavy for a soldier to carry.  You could, however, easily fit such a pack on a robotic Mech Warrior-type suit. This begs the more important question: Why aren't the scientists working on the Mech Warrior technology?

Why is smooth peanut butter cheaper than nutty?
Um, it's not. Here's some proof from Safeway:




If we taught animals to talk, how would that affect the world?
It'd make almost everyone go vegetarian. We'd have a much harder time slaughtering talking creatures en masse. This would cause a pandemic of malnutrition, especially in developing countries. Eventually, we'd just start killing them again because, let's face it: most animals are pretty stupid and wouldn't have anything valuable to say anyway. We don't eat the smart ones (dolphins, apes) or the cute ones (puppies, kitties) as is. 

What would happen to the stock market if a meteor impacted the earth? What would happen to the global markets and the U.S. market? Say a meteor hits inside U.S. borders and takes out two states.
Which two states? North Dakota and Montana? Abso-fucking-lutely nothing happens other than a heavy news day.  New York and Massachusetts? Everything goes to hell, Canada invades and we all start saying "a-boot."

Is it possible to collect all the cookie dough in Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream and actually bake cookies from it?
Yes, Virginia, it is possible and it has been tested: A standard Ben & Jerry's pint of Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream yields roughly two cookies-worth of dough. However, since the "dough" has no eggs in it, it doesn't make for much of a cookie.

How clean is bar soap in a public bathroom? Is it "self-cleaning," since it's soap? It seems like a health hazard to me.
You are paranoid, nobody likes you. Which is more of a health hazard: Using soap that is, in essence, self cleaning; or neglecting to wash your hands after using the bathroom? Wash your damn hands! Quit making excuses.

Why did Zidane head-butt his opponent in the World Cup final? Do the French not fight with their fists?
It's football (soccer in the US); they aren't allowed to use their hands. Zidane may be a douche, but at least he was abiding by the rules. Should he have kicked his opponent square in the nuts instead? I think the head-butt was downright gentlemanly considering the option.

When we are approaching another person, like in a hallway, why do we step to our left? That is, try and pass right-shoulder-to-right-shoulder.
I'm assuming you're from a country where you drive on the left side of the road. Generally speaking, adults tend to walk roughly according to the same rules they use when driving.  In the US-where we drive on the right-it's observably more common to step to the right, thus passing left-shoulder to left-shoulder.

I have been pondering this situation for as long as I can remember (maybe age 7-8) and it drives me nuts. It makes me feel like my head will implode if I think any harder. Is the universe infinite? It must end somewhere. But when it ends ... there must be something on the other side ... right?
Well, yes and no. The problem is that, as humans, living in tangible, physical, quantifiable reality, we have an almost impossible time trying to imagine a concept of infinity.  The "Infinity Headache" you describe is quite common. 

The essential difficulty is that infinity is, by definition, never-ending. That is, there cannot be anything bigger than or beyond infinity: it is the largest possible number, area, what-have-you.  There's no such thing as infinity plus one. If there were, it would actually be infinity and the infinity you previously considered would actually be infinity minus one.  Confusing, I know. 

In terms of space and the Universe, Wikipedia puts it quite nicely: In strictly physical terms, the total universe is the sum of all matter that exists and the space in which all events occur or could occur. The part of the universe that can be seen or otherwise observed to have occurred is called the known universe, observable universe, or visible universe.

So the answer is that The Universe is infinite because, by definition, it is the total of EVERYTHING; but the Known Universe is finite and has "edges," beyond which is more of  The Universe we haven't seen yet.

If a group of passengers on a hijacked plane wanted to, could they bring a plane down by all of them using their cell phones at the same time?
No. This is silly. Stop being paranoid and wash your hands.

Why do humans die so young? In biblical times, people lived for several hundred years; now living to 100 is considered a long life. What happened?
God sensed long, long ago, in his infinite wisdom, that one day you would be born. He knew you would be so unbearably naïve that he didn't want you around for more than 60 or 70 years. As such, he's been shortening human life-spans ever since for the sole purpose of getting rid of you sooner.  Thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, Jackass.

How can I tell if I was the first person to use the term "K-fed-up" in relation to Britney's divorce?
You can ask yourself, "Am I the second douchiest douche-bag to ever walk the Earth?" If the answer is yes, then you were the first person to use "K-fed-up." If not, then someone else who's only slightly less douchy than K-Fed himself came up with it.

Either way, I implore you to cease and desist immediately. You're ruining the world.

Why is the No. 8 always the same combination (tamale, enchilada, rice, beans) in any Mexican restaurant I visit? This includes primarily the southeast United States but not obvious franchises.
I suggest you stop using definitives (such as always) to describe a particular ethnicity of restaurant. You, sir/madam, are a bigot and a racist of the highest order. Mexican restaurants (or Restaurants of Latino Heritage) are undeserving of your stereotyping. I am personally acquainted with several fine restaurants of Latino heritage that do not even use a numbering system, nor would they even think about putting the tamale, enchilada, rice and beans combo as number eight were they to start numbering.

I've seen No. 8 combos, I've eaten No. 8 combos and you, sir, are no No. 8 combo.

Hi, how does nature make water? How does nature combine one oxygen atom and two hydrogen atoms to make water? If we knew how nature makes water, then perhaps we can then find an efficient way of separating hydrogen from oxygen, thus creating the ultimate source for energy.
Nice try, but you've got it backwards: energy is released when oxygen and hydrogen bond to form water. It requires energy to separate the two (e.g. the heat energy needed to boil water). 

As to how nature "makes" water, it happens by itself. It has to do with valence electrons, energy states, polarity and lots of other fun stuff that you'd learn about in an introductory chemistry course.  I highly recommend that you (and everyone for that matter) take a course in chemistry in high school or college. Along with biology and physics, it'll give you a solid foundation for understanding the world around you.

Why is grilled chicken tasting increasingly rubbery and odd?
You're just getting sick of it. Try eating something else for a change.

i need more money.....what business can i start that will not take a lot of time...i have internet access daily...........and i have saturday morning free before 12 noon to run around. i work from 7am to 9:30 pm..............
Bank robbery and drug trafficking are extremely lucrative and time efficient. You could make a very solid second income in either one with only a few hours of extra time per week.  There is, however, a good chance you'll end up in jail. I don't recommend either one.

Just suppose, one day someone wants to sell you an old gold bar. You don't know if it belongs to any treasure, and you can't find out if there is any reward for it, if it was a lost treasure. How would you go about melting it and selling it? The same would go for a gemstone about the size of a dinner plate. How would you go about selling it? If you're living in a country that is corrupt and you cannot trust the government, or anyone else, what can you do?
If you're living in a country where you can't trust the government or anyone else, it's probably not a good idea to buy old "gold" bars or plate-size "gemstones" off of people in the first place.

However, should you find yourself in such a predicament; the best way to sell it is clearly to go door-to-door asking people if they'd like to buy it. It worked on you, didn't it?

Can you tell me how long it will take if you eat rat poison to see if it is going to affect you? Please e-mail me back. Because my niece ate some.
Most rat poisons on the market today aren't lethal to humans except in very large doses. Nonetheless, there can be harmful affects other than death. As such, you should call Poison Control immediately if anyone in your home ingests rat poison in any quantity. Poison Control can be reached at 1-800-222-1222 in the US.

Hi. I just wanted to know if our eyeballs roll back when we are sleeping (or closed) or do they shake? Or ...
During deep, REM (Rapid Eye Movement) sleep, your eyeballs do, indeed, move very rapidly. This could be interpreted as shaking, I suppose.

PYGMIES: How/when/where/still in existence/do we mate with them?
Yes, Pygmies do still exist. There are well-studied Pygmy tribes in the Democratic Republic of the Congo, Zaire and the Central African Republic.

We don't mate with them. At least you and I don't.  I know this because I have never had sex with a Pygmy and I'm assuming-since you're not sure if they exist-that you haven't either.  If we wanted to, and found a consenting Pygmy to join the party, we could mate with them; they are human after all.

Pygmies are not the same as Leprechauns. I think that may be where your confusion comes from.

Do dolphins actually save people? If so, why do they do this?
They certainly don't save cynical bastards like you! Jeez, way to question the intentions of these noble and heroic dolphins.  Never look a gift-dolphin in the mouth...unless you have a fish to give it.

So long, and thanks for all the fish.

I have a sister that stresses the hell out of me. For example this one sister out of three knows that I am recovering from a serious car accident. I thank God for saving my life, and healing me each and every day. My question is can a person who complains and talks about the same complaining crap every day stress you completely out? About four days ago I had to tell this one sister (Annie) basically to get a life and stop bugging me with her problems and everybody else's. I reminded her that I am still in a neck brace and healing ... I really need to know if a person can really stress you out with the same old thing over and over and over again. PLEASE ANSWER BACK ASAP.
By "stress you out completely," do you mean stress you to death? I doubt it. They may annoy you so much you want to kill yourself, which is really your own prerogative. You can choose to deal with her or not.

Sounds to me like she sucks, but you suck just as hard. I get the distinct impression that you're more pissed-off because her problems are cutting into your well-deserved pity time.  How DARE she have problems in her life while you're in a neck brace?!

Can someone be forced to masturbate?
Sure. They can't necessarily be forced to auto-erotically masturbate themselves, but they can be masturbated by another.  It's obviously more difficult to force a guy to masturbate as you can't force him to become erect.  Please note, however, that forcing anyone to participate in any sort of sexual activity (including masturbation) against their will is a form of sexual assault.

Why do we make a "lip-smacking" sound when kissing closed-mouth? We do make the sound; it doesn't happen on its own ...
If you simply push your lips together, you're right, it doesn't happen. However, most people don't kiss, even closed-mouth, like this. We tend to engage the person we're kissing with slight suction while pursing our lips together. When we release this suction by separating our lips, it makes the tell-tale "smack" sound.

Over time, this has simply become a standard component of the act of kissing; so much so that even when "air-kissing" in greeting, most people imitate the sound subconsciously.

What's likely to happen to people, or what might they feel, when they're killed instantly?
If you're killed instantly you won't feel anything. You'll literally be dead before you know it.

Can a state in the United States split into two or more states? If so, how? I think Texas has a special provision for being able to divide into up to five states. But I am wondering about the others.
According to the US Constitution, Article IV, Section 3, Clause 1: New States may be admitted by the Congress into this Union; but no new States shall be formed or erected within the Jurisdiction of any other State; nor any State be formed by the Junction of two or more States, or parts of States, without the Consent of the Legislatures of the States concerned as well as of the Congress.

So, in principle, yes, a state could split up into two or more states as long as the state legislature and the US Congress approved.  The chances of both of these governing bodies agreeing to such a scenario: slim to none.

I have noticed that a lot of mainstream movies feature men peeing. Are the actors really peeing?
If you actually see them peeing (stream and all) then yeah, they are.  It's more of a hassle to build some sort of fake-pee special effects rig than it is to give the actor a glass of water. However, if for some reason, the actor doesn't want to, or the shot doesn't really require it, then it's pretty easily faked or filmed around. 

Ask yourself in how many movies you've actually seen someone peeing, rather than just standing at a urinal pretending that they're peeing.

Then ask yourself why you care. At which point you'll probably want to get on Craigslist and find someone who's into the same shit you are.  Have fun.

yea i have my own 620 gang and i dont know how to run it to make not look like a little bitch gang joke it is just me and my friend how do i run it?
Sorry buddy, you and your friends are a little bitch gang joke. There's nothing to be done.

Hi. How did the horse in the movie about dreams make it to not only survive but to win again? Was this movie true?
I will assume you are talking about the epic masterpiece Dune and, by horse, you mean Giant Sandworm, or Shai-Hulud. Shai-Hulud survives because it is kick-ass and because it shits drugs (spice). The worm wins because the worm is the spice and the spice is the worm. Yes, Dune is a totally true story, unlike that bitch-ass crap-fest Seabiscuit.

Working in my yard yesterday, I killed a gnat in my ear canal, where it had flown. I couldn't remove the body as my finger was too fat. What happens to it now?
You remove it gently with a cotton swab, or flush it out with water. Otherwise, it'll eventually get washed out or fall out along with dried wax, just like everything else that goes into your ears.

What is the richest religion? Scientology has a lot of Hollywood stars and I think they actually make their members give money, but Catholicism is a very old religion with its own country. Also, Islam has a lot of members but I don't know about their money situation.
It depends on how you define ‘richest'; as the bumper sticker says, "My Treasure Lies in Heaven." Based on this, I'd say the richest religion is whichever one is correct and will actually get you to heaven, where all the treasure is.  Obviously we all know which one that is.

Is chicken considered meat?
As far as the meat-packing, butchering and culinary industries are concerned (and I say they know if anybody does), chicken is not meat, it is poultry. Only mammal flesh (cow, pig, sheep, etc.) is meat.

Hello ... Could you tell me if there's been any kind of medical discovery in the last 30 years besides DNA.
Hi! Have you seen any commercials on TV or in your e-mail for drugs to lower cholesterol, give you a boner, clear up your herpes, prevent osteoporosis or any other such malady? They're all pretty new.

Are UFOs confirmed to be from other Alien Planets?
Yes. A guy on the street corner told me so. Nobody with a tinfoil hat that fancy would lie about something like this.

How do you get to write articles for Slate. Do you have to go through a process?
Of course there's a process: the creative process! Once Slate accepts you as a writer, you have to go through the process of writing the article. It's a lot of work, but it sure is fun.

I met a 40-year-old stripper back in February of this year. We had a special connection. Yet, she was homeless, going through a divorce and bankruptcy. She has three kids who live in Alabama and she pays $500 a month in child support. Moreover, she used cocaine. At one point, she was arrested for forgery. She spent a month in jail but was released under the condition that she become a narc for the police department. She gave the names of her dealers and would wear wires when drug deals were going down. I let her stay at my place and kept food in the refrigerator. This past Monday she took all her clothes, my money, and left. The night before, she hung out with some friends. I called her, and she said I was too good for her. She said she had never been treated so well. She said she would drag me down and she couldn't bear to handle that. I told her my hopes and dreams the night before. I wonder if I scared her off. I don't know what to make of it. I don't know if she met someone else the night before and doesn't want to tell me. It's killing me inside. I cried for her. I really cared for her. Can you give me some advice?
Awww, that's very sweet of you, but I'm going to give you the advice of the inimitable Dan Savage: Dump the Motherfucker Already (DTMFA).  Fortunately, the motherfucker has already dumped you, which makes your job very easy.  You sound like a swell--if desperate and needy--guy, keep on keepin' on and I'm sure you'll find someone worthwhile one of these days.

In the meantime, try to avoid dating 40-year-old strippers for more reasons than I have room to list.