I was driving around the other day, and I got stuck behind this car with a New Hampshire license plate. I had never seen one before. Apparently the state motto they imprint on all their plates is, "Live Free or DIE." I guess New Hampshire is pretty hardcore...I had no idea. In fact, they probably left the original Hampshire because there were a bunch of freedom-hating pussies living there. Which got me to thinking...
 
I want to move way out past all the dirt farms and whorehouses and start my own town. I'll call it New Vegas. It will be just like the old Vegas, only without all the tourists, old people, and degenerates...oh yeah, no freedom-hating pussies, either. My only fear is that the trend is going to start catching on. Pretty soon someone will start a Newer York, or a San Diego Nuevo. When will it end? It's simply a matter of time before someone comes out with a New and Improved Vegas, Now with Super Whoring Power.

I figured it's useless...I'd probably be better off just starting an entirely new country. Ever since I was a little kid, I've wanted to have a country named after myself. Problem is, there already is a country named Chad somewhere in Central Africa, so now I can't even name my own country after myself, because then all the other countries would think I'm trying to copy that equatorial shithole. And that's not cool...my country has to be cool.

You see, they really left me no other choice than to go over there and conquer them before Walmart beats me to it. Luckily, I'm a diplomat first and a warrior second. Yesterday I met with the King, and guess what...his name's not Chad. Turns out that King Bumba (click click) Ungali Hali Ho was actually looking to sell the country, anyway, so I guess that saved us all a lot of blood shed. Plus, I bought it for like, twelve dollars and half a pack of melted Rolos. Dude even threw in a pair of royal slippers fashioned out of dead monkeys to sweeten the deal. Lucky me...or so I thought.

Turns out that it's hot as hell there, it smells like lion shit everywhere you go, there's no place for me to plug in my iPod, and they have rabid flies the size of pigeons. Plus, there's all these naked people with missle launchers, running around trying to blow each other up. I kept yelling at them all to get off my property, but they wouldn't listen to me...who wants to deal with all that shit?  Not me. Besides, the country is purple on the globe, and I think that's a tacky color.

So, I put the damn thing on eBay. The final bid was from some dumb-ass kid that lives in Chatanooga. He keeps asking me how I'm going to ship it to him.  Whatever. Fuck all this. I figure I'm just going to go start my own planet now...

Who's coming with me?