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HootyMcBoob

20 Things Ex-Boyfriends Have Said to Me, Translated into What They Actually Meant

by HootyMcBoob []
Published on 27/12/06 in Dating
Guys, spare the euphemisms. It's time to stop tiptoeing around what you really want to say, because I am a master at translating Guyspeak into English.
If you're like me, you've had the pleasure of listening to to what's spewing out of your about-to-be ex-boyfriend's mouth and thinking, "Wow, that is a huge, steaming pile of crap." Thankfully, I'm good at deciphering Guyspeak and can extract the true meaning behind the following sentences:

The condescending older boyfriend:

 italyeducation290x459maninsuitBF: You're immature, sarcastic, and fickle.
Translation: Which would be fine, if you put out.

BF: I just really don't think you understand me.
Translation: I'm being pissy because you said you didn't like Ani DiFranco.

BF: I think in a few years you might grow into a very cool person.
Translation: A moot point, since in a few years, I'll have moved on to dating fatties.

BF: I really enjoyed talking to your mother.
Translation: MILF!!

BF: I've just been through a lot more than you have.
Translation: And yet, I wonder what sort of fish "filet mignon" is.

The goth kid who tried to be pissy and depressed, but lived in a ritzy suburb with his adorable parents:
goth
 BF: I'm too fucked up for a nice girl like you.
Translation: My parents love you. I need a whore who they can't stand.

BF: You just aren't sympathetic to my lifestyle and how difficult it can be.
Translation: Being a white, wealthy, heterosexual man in American is really hard. That's why I wear mascara!

BF: My parents' home suffocates me.
Translation: My mom collects "Precious Moments" dolls.

BF: (scribbled on his dormroom wall with magic marker after a fight.) Your words, not mine. My thoughts, not yours.
Translation: I'm a fucking moron.

BF: I see how your friends judge me when they look at me.
Translation: Girls are paying attention to me. Yay!

The jerk who skipped out on both my grandparents' funerals, and was probably gay:
gayboyfriendmov
 BF: Of course I'll go to your grandmother's funeral with you.
Translation:  But I'm stealing your car halfway through to go drink with my best friend who I do not have an unhealthy attachment to.

BF: I just don't understand why you're so sad all the time.
Translation: Oh, wait...is it because those old people died?

BF: You're too sexually aggressive.
Translation: ...which would be fine, if you were a dude.

BF: I can't be there when you need me to be.
Translation: Or ever, actually.

BF: Please don't leave me.
Translation: If you do, people won't be able to say, "...but he can't be -- he has a girlfriend."

BF: Wow. That's a great outfit.
Translation: I am sooooo gay.

BF: He's a very handsome guy.
Translation: Seriously, doll, I could sing showtunes and it would be less obvious.

BF: He kissed me once in high school.
Translation: Okay - now I'm just fucking with your head. HOW CAN YOU NOT TELL THAT I AM GAY?

BF: I'll always love you.
Translation: I smoke pole.

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24 Comments

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Rebecca

Rebecca Kelley
Well, stop dating condescending closeted goth guys who are older than you. I mean, I know they're a dime a dozen, but... Written on 27/12/06

sassywriter

Danita
That gave me quite a chuckle. Thanks! Written on 28/12/06

Pharmgirl

Pharmgirl
HILARIOUS! I liked it so much, I borrowed your idea. Thanks for the laugh!
http://pharmgirl2.blogspot.com/ Written on 28/12/06

hooty_mcboob

HootyMcBoob
Sweet. Written on 30/12/06

blueberry2

Urmila
This is so true and hilarious. Also works for brothers, and other boys you don't sleep with Written on 29/12/06

sirrah67

sirrah67
Lady, these are not translations, these are your own private comments on their points of view. Your ex-boyfriends' statements are quite straightforward and clear. The only reason why you think you should "translate" them is that - whomever you are with - you always want to get things YOUR way, without being willing to find a compromise or to understand.

Women like you give men the feeling that they can easily be replaced by the next one who comes along (and that is in fact how it is). So you easliy disappoint them, they don't want to lose you, and they start expressing things with that fear in the back of their mind.

If anyone has got to learn something from your messed up relationships it is YOU, in the first place - and nobody else. Try being with someone because you love him and not just because you want to be with someone.

Joc.

PS.: The quotes are not very funny anyway, compared to what else can be found on the net... Written on 30/12/06

hooty_mcboob

HootyMcBoob
Translation: I have a small penis. Written on 30/12/06

sirrah67

sirrah67
Yeah, that's what I thought was your point... what else could it be - get one with a large one - I think that's all you need anyway. No translation necessary. Written on 4/1/07

Swammy

Steve
Translation2: 'I've watched enough porn to know how a woman thinks.' Written on 31/12/06

Loaf

Kurt
I laughed like crazy, Yes I am a Man! no not one of those sissy boys like the one who felt the best reply was a personal attack. A real man doesn't need to one-up the last guy or gal.

Anyways I enjoyed the thread, Keep speaking your mind, it's your opinion don't ever let anyone make you withhold it. Written on 1/1/07

BaryMcAqiner

BarryMcCawqiner
Translation: I am a desperate queer, Oogah, put it in my mouth NOW. Written on 25/1/07

JaneCopland

Jane
Joc. I think I'll add that name to the list of names I don't like. Traits include: no sense of humour, inability to recognise genre and tone of website, and ease with which name attaches to "strap". Written on 1/1/07

sirrah67

sirrah67
...great! go ahead - it would be an honour do be among the disliked names of a G. W. Bush supporter ;-) Written on 4/1/07

Rebecca

Rebecca Kelley
Wow, take things too seriously much? Written on 1/1/07

hooty_mcboob

HootyMcBoob
Yeah, apparently I touched a nerve with the closeted condescending goth community. Hee. Written on 2/1/07

JaneCopland

Jane
Jeeze, Boob. Way to offend, like, half the population. Written on 2/1/07

Vaisa

Vaisa
Fucking hilarious, keep up the work :D. Written on 31/12/06

adrien

adrien

It's sad that in general, women have so little insight into the men's culture. This article is not an exception.

Written on 1/1/07

sashaK

Sasha
BF: You just aren't sympathetic to my lifestyle and how difficult it can be.
Translation: Being a white, wealthy, heterosexual man in American is really hard. That's why I wear mascara!

This isn't true? Comment definitely tagged as lame. Why don't you submit an article explaining how dense women are when it comes to men? Written on 1/1/07

laredoflash

Rod Donovan
Whoa! Pretty funny and kinda truthful. It must be true. A large majority of women are pretty fucked up, psychotic, crazy, and just plain scary. They don't want you, but they try to keep you around. Once you bed them, there goes the neighborhood. Try to get some freaking peace(as in quiet time)after that, forget it. Yeah, I know. Where are all those quiet, sensitive, and loving men? Get a clue woman, they are gay and taken. Now straigten up chic! Written on 2/1/07

Loaf

Kurt
This is a funny post, even if you don't agree on the point of view. However I think that being "quiet, sensitive and loving" doesn't mean your gay but it I agree most men with these qualities are quickly taken off the market. There are few available for two reasons obviously as stated before because they are quickly taken off the market and second because its a quality that BOY's don't have until they grow into Men.

Unfortunately most of us grow into men after being with a bad women who shows us how to grow up. No I don't think a man can ever grow up if he's being trained by mommy!

It is often the case if not always the case that we "Grow" from the bad experiences in our lives not the good ones.

I would like to point out that it has been my experience that many women seek out the "Bad boy" type, the attitude that can be found among immature Juvenile men. Of course after awhile they are treated like dirt (or worse) and learn that "Bad" means no damn good!

Try seeking older, mature men if you don't want the hardship, it might mean a little less excitement in your life but at least you can find love, understanding and honesty.

"Boys will be boys until a woman teaches them to be men" Written on 2/1/07

BaryMcAqiner

BarryMcCawqiner
Translation: I'm a 45 year old fruit who cries himself to sleep with a cold hot dog in my mouth, oh ya

Alternative translation: Blah blah blah.. I'm a boring waste of skin.. blah blah Written on 25/1/07

patientmamal

patientmamal
"It's not you, it's me" - that has nothing to do with the guy being gay...it means it actually is you, he just doesn't want to tell you that. Probably because you'll start starving yourself or some crazy shit Written on 14/1/07

manu

manu
I hate the "Someday you'll grow up to be a fine person" way of breaking up.. this is so immature..

Written on 5/2/07

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