The other day I attended a college basketball game at my alma mater. Yes, I enjoy watching college basketball. It's a fast-paced style of play, players will always dive for the loose ball, a technical foul equals two free throws instead of one, and there's no such thing as a defensive 3 in the key. (These rules do not carry over in the NBA, where the players walk lazily across the court and refuse to hustle until playoffs, a technical foul is barely a blip on the scoreboard, and the defensive 3 in the key/continuation foul bullshit is a lame excuse to encourage more dunking.)

Anyway, at this particular game I was surpised and amused by the various going ons both on and off the court. Even if you're not a fan of college basketball (or any college sport, for that matter), I encourage you to go to a game; otherwise, you'll miss out on the following gems that I had the fortune of witnessing:

1. The Guy Who Sings Along While the School Band Plays the National Anthem

I don't get this guy. I'm sure as hell not proud to be an American right now, and even if I were, I'm not so proud that I'll sing along to a college band's rendition of one of the worst-sounding anthems ever. Why does our national anthem always sound like it's being sung by either someone with a flat, monotonous voice or by some wannabe diva who adds about twenty e's to "and the land of the freeeeeeeeeee"?

Anyway, the Guy Who Sings Along is always old, wrinkly, and faintly reeking of Fixodent and Centrum Silver, so I'm willing to give him a momentary pass because he's probably stuck in some perma-WWII flashback where he's being shipped off to war.

2. The Fat Squeegee Boy

This kid easily kept me entertained during those thirty second time outs. You know how there's always four kids (two at each end of the court) that are about 11 or 12 years old who volunteer to sweep and squeegee the court when the players are at the bench? Well, the kid who squeegeed at the end of the court where I was sitting was fat. Like, "I'm eleven years old and I already have a generous amount of back fat" fat.

Now, fat kids are inherently funny. This kid, however, was hilarious. He would waddle out to the key during time outs, ineptly push his squeegee around, and then huff and puff off the court and make a beeline for the players' Gatorade cart, all while sporting a beet-red face and sweating like Michael Richards in Harlem. Great job, kid! You did thirty seconds' worth of "cardio"--gotta replenish those fluids!

The funny thing is that I think the kid was expelling more sweat than he squeegeed up. I wouldn't be surprised if he left the court wetter than it was in the first place. You know you need to drop a few dozen pounds when the mere act of cleaning up sweat causes you to sweat so much that your t-shirt is clinging to your bountiful boy bosums in a most unsightly manner.

During halftime, I had the severe pleasure of watching the chubby turd play one-on-one against the boy who swept the key during time outs, and this poor kid was half the fat kid's size, both horizontally and vertically. It was like watching Laurel play Hardy. I kept wanting to shout to the skinny kid, "Stop picking up your dribble! He's like a wall of fat! Keep dribbling around him until you tire him out!", but the skinny kid would dribble into a corner and pick up the ball, and then the fat kid would cover him like a wet, lard-filled blanket.

Oh, and when the opposing team would be shooting free throws, Chunky McDoughFace would stand sit under the hoop and try to deter the player from making a basket. Since he was too fat to move efficiently, though, his method of psyching out the player was to rock from one plentiful ass cheek to the other and wave his arms in the sissiest of arm motions. To be honest though, if I were shooting free throws and I saw a sweaty, obese adolescent swaying his body from side to side, I'd probably miss.

3. The Fan With the Team Jacket From 1981

This guy was sporting the vintage college basketball jacket from either the late 70s or early 80s. The jacket's a polyester-nylon blend, and the colors are so faded that you wonder if the team's colors used to be dirt brown and uriney yellow back in the day.

He wears his vintage jacket at every game (I know this because I've seen him rockin' the coat more than once). I bet that when he's not wearing his jacket, he keeps it encased on a mannequin torso in a glass box, not unlike how Bruce Wayne stores his Batsuit. Seriously, I have no idea how he's kept this jacket in semi-wearable condition for well over 25 years. I'm guessing that the preservation ritual (done once every five years) probably involves a Wilson basketball, a foam #1 finger, some nachos, and sacrificing a virgin.

4. The Token "I Always Wear a T-Shirt Under My Jersey" Players

There's always one guy on each team who is playing Division I baskeball, yet still sporting a t-shirt under his jersey as if it's middle school nobody-gets-cut-and-the-score-is-usually-20-to-14 basketball. Come on guy, we can clearly see you're the runt of the litter. You're 6'5" and weigh 160 lbs. A t-shirt's not going to hide the fact that your arms are completely devoid of muscle and definition. Stop trying to give the illusion of bulk by wearing a t-shirt with sleeves down to your elbow underneath a sleeveless jersey. You're pretty much a headband and a pair of eye goggles away from being a total spaz.

5. The Token "I Like My Shorts So Long and Baggy That They Look Like Capri Pants" Players

At the opposite end of the spectrum, there's always at least one player on each team whose basketball shorts fall below his knees. Look, I know 70s-era basketball shorts are a little snug and nut-hugging for today's youth, but with how long your shorts are, they might as well be pants. Do you really want to be known as the player who wears man-pris? Do you want to trip over your shorts on a fast break and subject the crowd to your sweaty jockstrap and pale, hairy ass? Bleh.

6. The Fan With the Fat Gut Who Somehow Still Insists on Wearing a Too-Tight Cyclist Shirt

Am I to believe that, despite your huge beer belly, you are an athlete in pristine shape simply because you're wearing a cyclist shirt that is so uncomfortably tight that it looks like it was airbrushed onto you? I can plainly see that you're such a fan of the team that their logo is painfully stretched across your chest and between two saggy nipples the size of saucer plates. Even when I close my eyes, I can still see that.

What I refuse to see is how you think you're athletic because you're sporting a "professional" cyclist jersey. Come on, dude. Cycling doesn't burn that many calories, and I'm willing to bet that at the rate you're cycling, you're really not melting the fat off. Why not show your athleticism by wearing, say, a 4XL sweatshirt? Trust me, it's better for the both of us.

7. The Lite-Brite Scoreboard

I don't know what the college is spending their sports budget on, but they're definitely not spending it on replacing the ancient scoreboard. The graphics look like they were done in QBASIC, and there's even a Tetris montage that's old school not because it's cool to be nostalgic, but because the program powering the scoreboard is actually from 1985. When the computerized mascot's tail looks like a blurry, pixelated 2-D penis on the big screen, you might want to look into updating the technology.

8. The Kid Who Shoves His Face into His Brother's Bucket of Popcorn Because He's a Germ-Spreading A-Hole

I want some popcorn, so I'm going to stick my nose into my big brother's bucket and start lashing my tongue out like a douchey brother/salamander hybrid because I can't use my freakin' hands like a civilized human being!


In conclusion, I urge you to get thee to an arena as soon as you can so you too can soak in the ambience. Seriously, you don't know what you're missing. It's pretty awesome. And awe-inspiring. You'll never watch sports the same way again...