A day after James Brown died, Spike Lee announced that he will be directing a biopic about the soul star. I'm sure that he was planning on making the announcement the day after Christmas, and that it was just unfortunate timing that James Brown died the day before...yep, totally sure it was a coincidence. Either way, now that James Brown is dead, the biopic has instantly rocketed up from "released in Februrary the same weekend as Ultraviolet 2" to "released in fall at the height of Oscar season in order to ride on the coattails of 'Oscar-worthy' biopics like Ray and Walk the Line."

I'm betting that the movie will be titled "James Brown: Got the Feelin'", or something equally inspiring (maybe "He Got James Brown Fever, She Got James Brown Fever"), though I'm crossing my fingers that it'll actually be called "Hot Pants." I'd see a movie called "Hot Pants." Maybe even twice.

The movie will undoubtedly showcase James Brown's poverty-stricken childhood, the horrific death of a sibling that haunts him throughout his career, his battle with racism, his big break in music, succumbing to drug and/or alcohol addiction at the height of his career, spousal abuse, and finally, cleaning up his life at the very end of the movie. All of this will unfold in a profusely sweaty 150-minute running time. And, in a shameless attempt to score another Oscar, it will star Jamie Foxx, who will replace his Ray Charles call and answer at awards shows with a bloatedly long "Get up-ah! Gitonup! Hahhhh!"

And, since the biopic is a Spike Lee joint, expect a crapload of time devoted to the plight and injustice of the black man, lots of preachiness, a repetitive "this movie has a MESSAGE" theme that unsubtly clobbers you over the head from the opening title sequence to the closing credits, and maybe Rosie Perez and Ray Allen.

Well, eat this, Spike Lee! I'm shopping around my own, way more interesting biopic about Gerald Ford called "Built Ford Tough: the Gerald Ford Story." Now I'll be able to capitalize on the recent death of a beloved American icon. What up now?

In my biopic, Jeff Bridges (or maybe Harrison Ford...Ford as Ford!) will star as 38th President of the United States Gerald Ford. It will chronicle his childhood in Grand Rapids, Michigan (which will be changed to Detroit and will include 8 Mile-esque rap battles in order to draw in a younger black audience), his volatile relationship with his stepfather (which was actually a great relationship, but that doesn't make for great storytelling), his taking over the White House (I'll think of a way to beef up this part other than to show Nixon resigning and Ford going, "Oh, I guess that makes me President now, tum tee too"), his controversial pardoning of Nixon (ah, here's where we get into the meat of the biopic! Scandal! Protests! A President who doubts himself! Oscar, here we come!), two assassination attempts (with a car chase scene! Ford dodges bullets!), his re-election loss (I picture a shot of him standing alone underneath a "Congratulations" banner. It'll be soooooo sad), and his post-presidency retirement years, ending with his super-sad-yet-poignant-and-wise-beyond-his-years deathbed speech.

My biopic will totally kick James Brown's biopic's ass. Mine will have action, adventure, drama, romance (Betty Ford will be played by someone leggy and hot, like Famke Janssen), comedy, and rapping. You can't compete with that, Spike Lee. Academy, you might as well polish up that Oscar now, because my biopic is gonna be off the hook.