Dear Kate Bosworth,

Normally, I'm pretty good at minding my own business and respecting what little privacy is alloted to celebrities. But now your physical state has become so severe that even I have taken notice. It's time for an intervention, Kate.

Because you are one fat fucking lady.

I don't quite know when this all began – you seemed fine, if a little chunky, on the set of Blue Crush. And you were tipping the scales in Beyond the Sea (I mean, please – you looked like you ate the real Sandra Dee), but recent photos of your enormous ass confirmed what I had already began to suspect during Superman Returns. That you are, in no uncertain terms, dangerously obese.

I mean, good lord, woman. Enough is enough. Put down that handful of Vienna sausages – or are those your fingers?- and listen to me. You need to stop eating. Or you need to start working out more. Because you aren't setting a good example for young girls who look to you as a role model. And don't tell me how you're just embracing your natural body, because unless god himself planted that bag of Cheetos in your hand, you're running out of excuses.

What the hell are you doing to yourself? Do you just play Xbox and eat Hostess Donnettes all day? Or do you prop your Craftmatic bed up just enough so that you won't risk suffocating under the weight of your own girth, while shoveling food into your face? Though I appreciate the innovation of pouring milkshakes down your massive gullet using a rolled up Domino's pizza as a funnel, I don't think it's a good idea.

Look, Kate, something is clearly wrong. I thought you were awful as Lois Lane – not simply because you've confused pouting and looking vapid with method acting, but also because I could barely understand what you were saying as you attempted to form words through those jiggling jowls of lard. Half the time, you look like you are going to keel over from the exhaustion of heaving around your massive frame. Have you thought of what you are doing to your heart?

You should be ashamed of yourself. There are people in third world countries who are dying because they don't have enough to eat, and here you are, voluntarily destroying your body through your own excessiveness. Do us all a favor – put down that cheeseburger and go take a walk. Get some fresh air, get the blood pumping, and remember that just because you can deep fry almost anything, doesn't mean you should.

Oh, and should you bump into that Nicole Richie, tell her that her fat ass is on notice.

Sincerely,
Hooty