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HootyMcBoob

Predictions for My New Year, Courtesy of My Nit-Picky Aunt Marlene

by HootyMcBoob []
Published on 2/1/07 in Holidays
With all the fun 2007 has in store - from rheumatism to blood poisoning to spinsterhood, who needs resolutions?
After spending some extensive time with my well-meaning but nevertheless bat-shit crazy Aunt Marlene, I'd like to pass on some of her wisdom. If she's correct, here's what I have to look forward to in the coming year:

  • I will catch pneumonia and die because I didn't dry my hair properly after a shower.
  • I will develop rheumatism after leaving the windows open.
  • My boyfriend will not marry me this coming year, or ever, so long as he can continue to "get the milk for free."
  • My eyesight will fail after years of reading in such poor light.
  • I will catch cold because I didn't wear a hat every single day regardless of the weather.
  • I will contract blood poisoning because I "couldn't stop picking at it".
  • Every single women who "dresses like that" will justifiably be mistaken for a prostitute and arrested, shaming her family for generations to come.
  • I will develop osteoporosis and lose 3 inches of height if I do not continue taking calcium.
  • I will develop a chronic yeast infection for wearing underwear that has been dyed a color other than pristine, virginal white.
  • A stranger will break into my home, rob and murder me, if I leave the windows to my 4th-floor apartment open.
  • I will have to file for bankruptcy if I keep spending money the way I do.
  • I will die in a towering inferno if I don't clean out my dryer lint traps after each load.
  • My brother will become an alcoholic if he continues drinking the way he does.
  • I will get fat. It's unavoidable.

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3 Comments

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Rebecca

Rebecca Kelley
According to my mom, I'll catch a cold because my wool peacoat isn't warm enough to wear in the winter. I'll also either be too skinny or too fat, never "just riiiiiiight." Written on 2/1/07

JaneCopland

Jane
According to all popular wisdom, I should be deaf, blind and in a wheelchair (due to lifting weights). Those were dire predictions. Eight years later, I'm still walking, can still see, and can hear... all right. Written on 2/1/07

hooty_mcboob

HootyMcBoob
You're both disrespectful harlots. I look forward to spending more time with each of you. Written on 2/1/07

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