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Rebecca Kelley

No Chi-Mo Would Touch Dakota Fanning With a Ten-Foot Pole

by Rebecca Kelley []
Published on 3/1/07 in People
Dakota Fanning raped in her next movie? Puhlease, that kid has a severe case of the uggos.
Dakota Fanning, who will turn 13 in February, is starring in a movie called Hounddog. In the movie, her character is supposed to be raped and either appear naked or in her undies. According to the New York Daily News, a source from the movie said the film has the "two taboos in Hollywood" in it: "child abuse and the killing of animals." I'm going to ignore that statement and pretend (hope?) that Hollywood has morals that extend beyond smacking kids and kicking puppies. Instead, let's focus on the Fanning.

Her role reeks so badly of "I better get nominated for an Oscar for this" that even Martin Scorsese is like, "Dude, tone it down a bit." She's 12 years old and went from appearing in the movie adaptation of Charlotte's Web to being raped by some creep in an indie flick. She might as well be ringing a bell while wearing a sandwich board that reads "OSCAR WORTHY."

There is, however, one glaring problem with this movie, and I urge the Academy to keep this in mind: Dakota Fanning is one ugly kid. I call shenanigans on the plausibility of her getting raped by some child molester because, quite frankly, you could go to any playground in America and throw a dart into a crowd of kids, and you'd undoubtedly hit a child cuter than Dakota Fanning. A child predator would take one look at her, gag a bit, and then go "No thank you," before puttering away in his tinted window white chi-mo van.

Seriously, she looks like one of those kids from Village of the Damned, what with her thin, limp hair, pale skin (tone it down to the Coppertone Kids 30, will ya?), and sunken eyes. Dakota looks perma-tired, which I can't for the life of me understand why. Aren't there child labor laws? Doesn't she work, like, a couple hours a day? What the hell is she doing with the rest of her time, aside from yelling at her personal assistant? ("I ordered a double tall half-caf nonfat caramel macchiatto, extra hot! Do it again!", and then she'd smack the drink out of the poor guy's hand.)

Besides, haven't we all been raped by the saccharin-sweet schmaltz that was Uptown Girls? I sure as hell felt violated by that movie, and I only caught two minutes of it on HBO. Face it, Academy: we've all been ravaged by a Dakota Fanning movie sometime in our lives, so why would you reward her for going through the motions once in some indie movie that's trying way too hard to get Oscar recognition?

I thought I'd close by summarizing my main points:
  1. Dakota Fanning is an albino Jack O'Lantern.
  2. She is a child molester repellant.
  3. Don't give her an Oscar. Ever.
  4. Instead, give it to Martin Scorsese for The Departed.
  5. Or to Clive Owen for Children of Men.
Good day to you, Academy, and remember: Just say No to indie movies that bait you with child abuse. Or at least say No to one with Dakota Fanning in it.

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13 Comments

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ScottWill

Scott Willoughby
Snark-a-licious
Written on 3/1/07

Rebecca

Rebecca Kelley
Just the way you like it! Written on 3/1/07

hooty_mcboob

HootyMcBoob
Oh, lordy. You just know we're going to get mail over this one. Written on 3/1/07

JaneCopland

Jane
Wow. However, I do agree with the whole "GIVE ME FUCKING OSCAR!" gig. Playing a rape victim doesn't exactly substitute for good acting, but people fall for the kind of shit all the time. Written on 3/1/07

Rebecca

Rebecca Kelley
It's either a rape victim, a retarded person, a lady uglied down for her role, or a role in a Holocaust movie. Those are all Oscar-baity. Written on 3/1/07

JaneCopland

Jane
... an ugly, retarded Holocaust victim who gets raped. Best picture, actor/ress, director, supporting, screenplay... Written on 3/1/07

hooty_mcboob

HootyMcBoob
Wasn't that the plot of "Yentl"? Written on 3/1/07

Fluxx

Jeff Pollard
Someone has seen Extras... Written on 3/1/07

hooty_mcboob

HootyMcBoob
Can we give her a name like LiLo or JLo? Like, DokFo? As in, "DokFo looks like she has scurvy." Written on 5/1/07

Rebecca

Rebecca Kelley
DakFan? DFan? Can't we just call her Creepy?

And please, vitamin C is so 2003. Written on 5/1/07

Aleks

Aleksandar Pajic
Creepy? Creepy Fanning? haunting...

Like in: "No, don't go see that movie! There's some Creepy Fanning going on, and then some!" Yeah, that would work...

But, ultimately, I bet you're all just jealous because she learned to read (movie contracts, probably) at the tender age of two. At least that's what german wikipedia says, written by some "Fakota Danning". Written on 16/1/07

MC_10-56

Joshua Paddock
The Olsen Twins, Hillary Duff, Brittney Spears, Lindsey Lohan, Christina Aguilera...we only have a wait a few more years before we see a severely malnourished DakFan puffing a Parliament light and drinking a 88 oz. Starbucks Latte while not wearing any panties. Except I doubt even Rick Solomon would sleep with her when she's 18. Written on 21/3/07

Snakechild

Cecilia
I find Dakota annoying like anyone else, but that is disgusting what you say! That a child molester wouldn't touch her, pediphiles don't care about beauty or even prettiness. Do your research like i have done many people have been sexually molested as children and they weren't what you would call beautiful! The pediphiles called them ugly while they molested them! Its about power and pervesion, how dare you say pediphiles care about looks! You must just watch NEWs reports when children get kidnapped! You see all these beautful children molested by some guy in a dufflecoat some shady character and some how you think thats the majority of cases of child sexual abuse! When it fact their the minority, most cases of child sexual abuse are done to any children no matter their looks! Crimes comitted by average or outstanding citizens! Not the typical guy in dufflecoat going up to a park in a white van! Their the someone close to the child, someone they know! Even a family a member! They most likely don't pick them up at a park, but at their parents home, friends home, relatives home, scout trip, the priests study, summer camp, a bathroom, school!
I think maybe you should research before you say things like that! Maybe read up on child pedaphila! Suggestion a 'A Courage To Heal.'
I wasn't cute as a child and i can speak from personal experience, that these things happen to any kids. No matter how they look! They called me ugly as they did horrible shit to me! Molested me!
You can say horrible shit about me, like you did about Dakota from stupity and ignorance! But that won't change the facts! Written on 20/10/07

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