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Matthew Inman

Recipe: How to Make an Angry Peasant

by Matthew Inman []
Published on 18/1/07 in People
Matt shows the world how to properly cook up an angry, desperate, loathing, starved, and utterly hopeless peasant. Makes 1 serving.
angry_peasant_400












Ingredients
  • 1 impoverished peasant
  • 1 teaspoon plague
  • 5 cups mud and rotting vegetables
  • 1 lifetime lacking any joy whatsoever
  • 1 dragon (optional)
  • 1 tyrant (optional)

Directions
  1. Preheat dragon to 350 degrees
  2. Starve peasant until visibly sallow
  3. Continually bathe peasant in mud and rotting vegetables – keep filth on peasant's hands and face at all times
  4. Lightly season peasant's friends and family with bubonic plague (to taste)
  5. Remove any form of education and literature and replace with superstition and dogma
  6. Subject peasant to grueling agricultural labor, reward by randomly wiping out entire harvest
  7. Place tyrannical king in power – for best results, give king absolute power and a strong inclination for decapitating all in opposition to this power.
  8. When finished preheating, fly dragon into village.
    • Dragon should:
      • Burn housing and/or farm animals
      • Ingest peasant's loved ones
      • Vomit up pieces of previously ingested loved ones (make sure peasant sees this)
      • Dragon should defecate in clean water source - let stew for 2 weeks
  9. Once cool, return dragon to cave.
  10. Leave peasant alone for 2-3 weeks until false hope begins to rise
  11. Declare peasant's wife a witch and burn at the stake - watch other villagers erupt in joyous celebration.
  12. Declare peasant's daughter a necessary sacrifice to the dragon, tie daughter to tree near dragon's cave. Optionally reunite peasant with daughter later – see “dragon vomit” in step 8.
  13. Inflict physical and mental hardship until peasant appears as if he has fallen out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down (and landed head-first on the ugly rock)
  14. Let sit for 30 years and serve cold and shivering.  Makes 1 serving.

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8 Comments

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ScottWill

Scott Willoughby
You forgot:

Burninate at 450 degrees for 1 hour or until golden brown.

Trogdor, FTW Written on 18/1/07

Rebecca

Rebecca Kelley
How about adding a dash of oozing sores? Written on 18/1/07

maven

Fred K
Closely related to the ever-popular "How to Make a Terrorist" recipe. Written on 18/1/07

coffeeguru

Brandon E
one might say that they're distant cousins...... Written on 18/1/07

maven

Fred K
Agreed. This is a great post. I wish I had thought of it. Written on 19/1/07

Rebecca

Rebecca Kelley
Think of something equally unique and submit it! Or, don't think of something unique and submit it. As you may have gathered from some of our articles, we're not that big on quality. Written on 19/1/07

hooty_mcboob

HootyMcBoob
Or hygeine. Written on 23/1/07

killiandrake

Meridith
I loved this article. I was in stitches at work for most of my lunch hour. Soon I hope to have my whole department reading, but I better start them off on a slightly less sadistic chapter. Written on 30/1/07

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