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Él Tiburon

An Open Letter to the Car in Front of Me...

by Él Tiburon []
Published on 18/1/07 in People
I have an enormous headache in my eye.
Go, man. Just go. Forward. Move forward. Don't be scared. You can do it. People do it all the time. There's people doing it all over the city, even now as we sit here. Am I part of some anti-forward protest and I don't know it? Are you sleeping? Are you checking your email? I could have disassembled my car, climbed over yours dragging the parts in my mouth one-by-one, and reassembled it in front of you faster than this. We've been here so long I forgot where I was going. Maybe you are confused about the pedal system on your floorboard. Take a look at this diagram:

Seems like maybe you hate progress. Don't live in the past, man. Take the next step and pull out of this driveway oasis. Don't be afraid of change. If there weren't so many people behind me, I would back out, turn around, and drive the opposite direction around the planet.

Does sitting in a motionless car burn calories? Are you trying to say I'm fat? Are you waiting for everyone to get to their destination and then pull forward? That is incredibly polite, but you are chasing an impossible dream. There will always be cars. You have to select a space in-between them and introduce your giant SUV into the flow of traffic.

Maybe you could hum the theme from Karate Kid for inspiration. Sometimes you have to sweep the leg. Please go. I tried to move your car through telekinesis, but I think I might have popped a blood vessel in my eye. You know, eventually the rubber in your tires will disintegrate. Then where will you be? I know where you'll be. RIGHT FUCKING HERE.

When the monkeys take over, I hope they kill you first.

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12 Comments

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JaneCopland

Jane
Oh Gawd, do I relate to this one. There are also the bus drivers who drive at TWENTY MILES AN HOUR in a THIRTY-FIVE.

As you all may have observed, I have issues with bus drivers. Written on 19/1/07

Rebecca

Rebecca Kelley
I gotta give kudos to anyone who makes a Karate Kid reference. Mercy is for the weak! Written on 19/1/07

EdgesRazor

Jason Cuddy
How did you jump into my mind and read my thoughts? Written on 19/1/07

Aleks

Aleksandar Pajic
thank you for this one, thank you so very much. :_)

I don't know about the traffic in the US, but man, I hate people driving 40 in a 50 km/h zone, oh yes, and I hate them good.

Over here (Austria, Germany, ...), it is mostly this certain species of "drivers". Ole bags of bones equipped with silly hats and leather gloves clinging on their furry steering wheels, on their way not only to the next rummage-table-party but also towards the light on the end of the tunnel, ocassionally at the same time while driving. Reminding me of the one episode of southpark where the seniors terrorize the city with their cars. Written on 19/1/07

JaneCopland

Jane
Yep, we have them too. I bet they are a truly international phenomenon. Lost in Greenland, you will still see the fluffy steering wheel, driving gloves and tufts of gray hair emerging from beneath an ancient hat. Here, we sometimes refer to them as "People From Florida". Written on 19/1/07

Aleks

Aleksandar Pajic
yes, exactly the ones I was talking about.

It's an organization more powerful than the illuminati, calling themselves the "old world order".
Written on 22/1/07

latisha1903

latisha
Hahahahaha I love ya'lls wit! Written on 21/1/07

MikeCardella

Mike Cardella
I know I have an Italian temper but I like to wait for these people to finally move and then follow them close, make a few turns with them to make them worry for a few minutes..

And then slit their throats at their house. Written on 22/1/07

cami

courtney
uninteresante .... Italia. Written on 26/11/07

blitzhund

William Paris
I believe in the US you would refer to the hiway system in the UK as a 'Parking Lot'. A giant big fecking parking lot with over 20 million cars in it. I pray for the 20mph bus or funny hat and gloves driver because whilst they may indeed be slow slow slow at least THEY ARE BLOODY MOVING!!!!

Set phasers for disintegrate. Written on 23/1/07

tiburonbite

Él Tiburon
I, for one, welcome our new telekinetic monkey overlords. Written on 23/1/07

imarketnnc

Jeremy Swiller
This is the funniest thing I've read all week. Written on 25/1/07

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