P.E Teachers. Also known as Gym Teachers and Phys-Ed Teachers
Having routinely failed at every sport on earth, these sorry sods got teaching certificates and vowed to make volleyball a staple part of every kid's misery. God and all His angels save your poor little soul if you are good at an individual sport. Chances are, Ms. O'Butchpants was a promising runner in her time, but dropped off the track team when her eight-hundred time became proportionate to the size of her bum. Talented athlete or not, your life will cease to be worth living.
Coffee Shop Cell Phone Girl
The woman who is in front of you at the coffee shop on her cell phone. She sounds much like this:
"Oh, I know. I know. I'm getting coffee. I'm waiting in line. Yeah, I really don't think that he likes her all that much. Hah! What? I know. Oh, wait a sec. I have to order. Wait... uummmm, I think... um... Can I get a, ah, white chocolate mocha? Non-fat white chocolate mocha. What? Um... sixteen ounces. How much more is it for an extra shot? Um, actually no, just two shots. Hang on. Are you still there? Okay, I'm just gonna pay, wait a sec. Let me see if I have a quarter; I know I have a quarter somewhere... No, I'll be there in like ten minutes. Yeah, it stopped raining. Hang on, I just have to pay. Um, I don't have a quarter. Can you put this on my debit card?"
People Who Think It's Your Fault That They Called The Wrong Number
The phone rings. I answer it.
"Hello?"
Silence.
"Hello?" I say again.
"Hello, who this?" says someone. They often have an accent that indicates English is not their first language. Why this makes them more annoying is hopefully just a product of my basic irritability.
"This is the girl whose phone you just rang," I say.
Silence.
"Hello?" he says again. "I want speak with Dave."
"Hello," I reply. "There is no Dave here. Who is this?"
"This George. Who you?"
"My name," I say, "is Jane. I am from New Zealand. I grew up in Wellington, which is my country's capital city. When I was eighteen, I moved to the U.S. I went to college. I few years later, I moved to Seattle and bought this phone, and a few months later, you called my phone's ten digit number and I answered it. What the hell do you want?"
"Bye," says George. He hangs up. I wish he was right in front of me so I could slap him in the face.
Illiterate Bus Rider
The person who is first in line for the bus who stops at the door and asks the driver, "Does this bus go to Fremont?" It is always raining when Illiterate Bus Rider is at the front of the line for the bus. There is never a bus shelter.
Hey, Assclown. Turn around, walk over to the bus stop sign and read the FUCKING TIMETABLE. Is this the number 49 bus? Does the timetable say it goes to Fremont? No, it says it goes downtown. Now get out of the goddamned way.
"Friendly" Strangers
Here is a heads-up, friends. Talking to people you don't know is only okay under three circumstances:
- National disasters
- Directly following earthquakes
- After large sporting events in which the team that you both support has won. For these purposes, politics counts as a sport.
Randomly talking to people you don't know in other circumstances renders you weird. Do not do it.
Large Companies' Telephone Operators
People rave about how wonderful it is to talk to a person as opposed to a series of machines, but sometimes, there isn't much difference:
"Thank-you for calling T-Mobile my name is Sean my employee identification number is nineeightoneseventybillioneightthousandwiggitywoothreehundred my supervisor's name is Inaudiblemumble McFuckface how can I help you this morning."
Dude, I know you're reading from a script, and that's okay, because you have to, but intonation makes all the difference.
The Shop Girl Who Makes Commission
Notably a feature of Nordstrom. Killing some time on a Saturday, you'll be at the mall and you go into Nordstrom to look at shirts. You might want get a shirt, but you just as likely won't. You're just looking.
She sees you, like a mean little cat sees you untying your shoe laces. She moves left, re-arranging a pair of pants. You turn your back slightly and sidle to the left also, trying to look vacant. Trying to look broke. Deftly, she moves around the pants and checks the status of the designer jeans. Between the racks of collared shirts, you see an escape route towards Men's Furnishings, but she has coiled her barbed tail and is ready to strike.
They have a range of lines, the most common being "Can I help you?" This is not the most annoying, however. That one is relatively innocuous. The one that sticks in my craw is, "Are you finding everything okay?"
Am I? Shit, I can't imagine what would make you think I wasn't finding everything okay. I mean, wouldn't I have ASKED YOU TO HELP ME if I weren't? The reason I don't ask you to help me is because if I tell you I'm vaguely interested in the Made in China heels that I saw in Shoes, you'll tell me that the four-hundred-buck-Ferragamos would last me much longer. Like waiters who ask you if you want another drink and dessert because they want a bigger tip, The Shop Girl Who Makes Commission is possibly the best reason yet to shop online.
Self-Righteous Cyclists
These helmeted wonders answer to no one. With their flashy pieces of aluminum and rubber, they wobble and coast through city traffic like God's gift to the ozone layer. When you're saving as much energy as they are, you're obviously totally free to run red lights, turn in front of oncoming traffic, and knock people's side mirrors around. They know they can ride right along side your car without a care in the world, because if you hit them, you're the careless, SUV driving, ball-scratching gasoline whore.
There are plenty more irritating people around, and we'll post a couple of follow-ups to this rant. Just because you didn't make this list, don't assume we haven't come across you yet. If you're a pain in the ass, we know about it. Stay tuned for your entry in Drivl's "Most Irritating, Vol. II.
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