Alright. I couldn't help it. Two 2nd page articles, I'm feeling the goodness. I had to try again. No, not about the new guy, not this time. No, this is about a handful of my customers.

Don't get me wrong, the bulk of the people I see daily are wonderful. But there is that tiny five percent you want to strangle...or put Visine in their coffee. Visine has the wonderful effect of diarrhea when 3 drops are placed in the coffee. My friend Brandon told me this, though neither of us has yet tried it. I've been tempted.

To start, I must know: can you understand the following?

Me: Good morning (I only work until noon), what can I get for you today?
(Or if I know him/her, I usually say "Hi" and get the order without asking).
Customer: Um. I want a coffee.
Me: (Staring at the customer. Recieving stupid look back.) "Cream? Sugar?"
Customer: Cream.
Me: (Again, I stare. I know he wants a coffee. I know he wants cream. Okay.) "Size?"
Customer: Oh, um...what's that really big one called? The extra large one?
(In my head I am saying, "Duh. Think about what you just said, you dumbass. EXTRA LARGE.)

So I get the coffee, all the while thinking about how dumb he is. He makes inane conversation, like I really care.

Customer: So, how early do you need to get up? What time does this place open?
Me: I get up at four am. We open at 5.

In my head I am thinking unkind thoughts. It's like, "Dude, you were getting gas ten minutes ago and there were no lights over here. Now there are lights. You, on the other hand, are a very dim bulb."

I ask if he would like anything else. Sometimes customers say "No," but there are a few that will then stare at the three menu boards and squint. They will make "um" noises, sometimes laugh uncomfortably.

Finally, if I am lucky to get an answer before my shift ends, he replies:

Customer: Can I have the bacon egg and cheese number five combo, but can I have it with sausage? And can I have it on an english muffin?

Mind you, there is a #4 combo, made with sausage instead of bacon. And after taking ten minutes to stare at said menu, you didn't notice the AVAILABLE ON ENGLISH< BAGEL<CROISSANT sign? Help me.

So I make the bloody sandwich. I smile as I ring him up. He has had about two minutes now to look for anything else he might want. As I tell him the total and take his money, suddenly he speaks once more. Shivers run down my spine.

Customer: Oh, and is it too late to add a second coffee to that?

AHHHHHHHH! In my head I am picturing reaching across the counter and grabbing his throat. I am squeezing tightly. He turns a delicious blueish/purple colour and falls to the floor, and I go on with my day. In real life I am making the coffee.

Me: How would you like it?
Customer: Um. Medium.

Here we go again. I stare. they stare back.

Customer: Uh, cream and six Equals. But, like, only half a cream.

Half a fucking cream? What is the freaking POINT???!!! I get the bloody coffee, I smile, and he leaves. Finally. I'm all good. No customers.

AND THEN:

Customer: sidjjhfwerfjkvfhrfg

I stare. I did not understand a word this person just said. She's dark -skinned...possibly Cambodian. Nothing against Cambodia(ns).

Me: Sorry? I didn't hear that.
Customer: Coffee. Get me medium. Cream. Sugar.

Touchy. Rude. I want to thumb my nose at her, Oscar the Grouch-style. I make the coffee and smile. Ask the usual questions. She shoves about $20 in change at me and walks away. Alrighty then.

To finish off the last miserable half hour I have spent, NEW GUY walks in. Oh God, strike me where I stand, PLEASE!!!!

CJ: High five! Awesome teamwork.
Me: Don't touch me.

Wow. It's going to be a beautiful day. I can just feel it.