VD and Valentine's Day

Published on 12/2/07 in Dating

Love, roses, bumps and oozes.

I can say without being modest that I have quite a sense of humor. And it goes without saying that I couldn't be married to someone who didn't also have a great sense of humor. Being able to make each other laugh is one of the foundations of our relationship.

So, every year, for Valentine's Day, I try to come up with something witty for the card that comes with my wife's house flowers (I send her flowers to her work and to the house). Usually, this witty card has something to do with the oh-so subtle comparison of V.D. with, well, VD. And I never put her name or mine, because she knows who they're from, so that seems unnecessary.

I hope your VD brings you more love and less swelling and itching.

Don't be crabby! It's VD!

You get the idea.

The best one I ever did was two years ago: a sheer stroke of genius that still makes me laugh:

Happy VD! You're gonorrheally love these!

So, two years ago, I'm home when her flowers are delivered. I'm looking forward to getting them set up on the table with the card because when she gets home from work, I know that she'll absolutely die laughing. So I set the flowers up, and open the card. I'm dismayed to read this instead:

Dearest Linda,
I love you more than anything in the world. You mean everything to me, and I will never be able to truly express how much I truly love and need you. Love, Eric

My name is not Eric. My wife's name is not Linda. So I call the florist and tell the person who answered what happened. She apologizes profusely and says that she'd be happy to send out a new bouquet in a week or so, and that way we can get more flowers for longer. Our subsequent conversation went like this:

"Well, I appreciate that, and I think we would like you to send us extra flowers."

"Okay, sir. I can take care of that immediately."

"There is one other thing, though. Have you read what my card was supposed to say?"

"No. Let me pull that up. . . . . BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Gladys, come look at this. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!"

"Ma'am, the prob-"

"BWAHAHAHAHAH"

"The prob"

"BWAHAHAHAH"

"The pr-"

"BWAHAHA"

"The"

"BWAHA"

"The problem is that I don't put my name or my wife's name on the card. Do you see where I'm going with this?"

She pauses, stops laughing, and says, "No."

"Well, if I got Eric and Linda's card, which obviously has a very heartfelt, romantic and serious message, then this means that Linda received a card with no names on it that simply says:"

Happy VD! You're gonorrheally love these!

I still feel bad for that poor bastard.

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16 Comments

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Fluxx

I'm glad to see florists have a sense of humor where you come from. Here, they seem to have the blank stare of a thousand dead souls. Written on 12/2/07

My Comment:

avitable

Where are you from that florists are that soulless? Written on 13/2/07

My Comment:

Fluxx

Seattle. Written on 13/2/07

My Comment:

avitable

Must be a fatal combination of rain and coffee. Written on 13/2/07

My Comment:

NYCWD

And pharmaceutical companies dare to complain about loss of profits. If they invested in a few dozen bouquets like those to some not so discerning people... their anti-biotic sales would skyrocket.

They would owe it all to you. Written on 12/2/07

My Comment:

avitable

They'd probably pay me money without me even asking or suing for it, too, right? Written on 13/2/07

My Comment:

TracyLynn

Dude, you're so romantic. Written on 12/2/07

My Comment:

avitable

This year, her card says:

Happy VD
I love you
Very much!

I think it will make her laugh. Written on 13/2/07

My Comment:

Rebecca

Wow, and I thought my boyfriend was awesome for buying me the special edition DVD of the old school Dawn of the Dead for Valentine's Day... Written on 12/2/07

My Comment:

avitable

That's nothing. I got a vacuum cleaner for VD one year! Written on 13/2/07

My Comment:

Dislocated

I hate Valentine's Day and the associated pink overdose. It is such an annoying holiday. BUT this was one of the few Valentine's Day-related things I actually enjoyed reading! Written on 12/2/07