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Brian Kane

You can't always get what you want...

by Brian Kane []
Published on 20/2/07 in Music
If I wanted it to sound like "Douchebag and the Douchetones", then I would let my sister-in-law do it.
I'm a fairly competent, semi-professional musician.  I've been playing guitar for years, and know what things are supposed to sound like when playing live with a band.  My band plays some pretty decent local bars and we have a decent following even though we only play maybe once a month.

So why do I inevitably get the moron on the mixing board who went to the local audio/visual college who's tonedeaf, squints a lot, and has a soul patch?  And from what I can tell, quite a few local musicians are having the same troubles.

Admittedly, these people work pretty hard and spend a lot of money to get the "degree" that they have.  But I think I know why they are all as useful musically as Helen Keller and not like Beethoven.

Number One.  Not everyone is competent or has an ear for music.  Attending a 14 month college to become a sound technician doesn't mean that you're ready to help produce A Perfect Circle's new album.  Just because you know what button to press and what level things are technically supposed to be at doesn't mean that you know what level my guitar is supposed to be in relation to the rest of the instruments during our third song.  I'm supposed to tell you that.  You're supposed to listen to me.

Why would you cut the level of my guitar at the chorus?  Are you nuts?

Numero Dos.  These "colleges" compress a roughly 3 year degree program into about 14 months.  They have STRANGE hours for their classes and labs.  They basically shove these people against the wall, force feeding crap into their brains so that they literally shit information about the newest Mackie 24 channel mixers out of their mouths.  When these people get out, they are excited and come to the gig feeling like they know EXACTLY what they are doing, even though the only live performance they've done is their final at the college.  If I hear one more of them talking about how now they want to set up a studio in their apartment, I may have to start carrying a gun to put them out of their misery.  Can I call you Trent?

Number Three.  They secretly hate the fact that I'm on stage and they are not.  I know, I know.  Your parents bought you a guitar for Christmas five years ago, and you SWORE to yourself that you would get a band together and be the next... I don't know... The Edge from U2.  (They're popular again, right, iPod lovers?)  It's not your fault that you just don't have the drive or the ability to get people to listen to your latest rendition of "Let the Bodies Hit the Floor" from Drowning Pool.  But why must you punish me?  Why, my little tech, why?
   
And finally, I realize that there's nothing I can do.  These guys come cheap.  The bar and club owners want to make money, and they could probably give these people a few beers and a churro and they might even forget they were supposed to get paid for this job.  And the owners don't trust the bands to run the sound equipment, so I can't even correct it myself.

Maybe I should write a song about it and play it at our next show... while eating a churro.

Did you know that Douchetones doesn't set off my spell checker?

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11 Comments

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blitzhund

William Paris
And why do they always think that "Owner of a Lonely Heart" from Yes is the pinnacle of music success? Written on 20/2/07

JaneCopland

Jane
Ever watched American Idol et al? The delusional dipshits line up for hours in the rain; it's not surprising that they also shell out money to "learn" musical skills at "college." Written on 20/2/07

vonneuton

Brian Kane
I've always thought that most of the time their friends and family are to blame, by being nice to them and saying that their stuff is really great without their "talent" really existing. But really, they also should be responsible for their own lack the common sense to realize that they're also not that good compared to real artists. Written on 20/2/07

JaneCopland

Jane
The level of delusion is absolutely astonishing. You see these poor people who sound worse than awful... I mean, how could you not hear that when it's coming out of your own mouth? Don't answer that, perhaps.

Regarding this post, I can see how someone might think they're pretty good at mixing when they're not - it sounds a bit more subtle an art than standing up and belting out a rendition of "My Heart Will Go On."

But still. I do the world a favour when I refuse to take part in karaoke. I wish more people were as philanthropic as I am! Written on 20/2/07

RainofAngels

Chris
At least I know my "skills" suck and don't force it on anyone. Idiots. I like being around idiots, as it makes me look smart...and I get great stories from them.

Idiots.

And U2 kicks. I love U2. My husband loves them more. Is that worrisome? Written on 20/2/07

vonneuton

Brian Kane
Nah, there's nothing wrong with liking U2. I'm still a big fan of "Sunday, Bloody Sunday," including the cover by a band called Pillar. But there are people out there who like U2 because of the iPod, and that scares the absolute hell out of me. :) Written on 20/2/07

JaneCopland

Jane
The Joshua Tree is awesome. Some of the later stuff? Not so much. Favourites are "One Tree Hill" and "Running to Stand Still." If there was a thing like Hell, "Discoteque" and "The Sweetest Thing" would be playing there on repeat for eternity.

But "City of Blinding Lights" is on my iPod. Slap me if you want to. Written on 20/2/07

Fluxx

Jeff Pollard
Uno, does, tres, CATORCE! Written on 20/2/07

Edward

Edward
Yeah! Write a song about it! I like that idea. Though they'll probably be so absorbed in setting text book levels that they won't listen to the lyrics :P Written on 21/2/07

tiburonbite

Él Tiburon

The flipside of being a "a fairly competent, semi-professional" guitar player is the music store. Everytime I go into a guitar center or music shop, i'm always careful not to play anything too loud or complicated because there's always some dirtbag across the shop that grabs the nearest Jackson, cranks it up to 11, whips it behind his head and peels off a Randy Rhodes solo note for note.

Man, I hate that guy. Written on 22/2/07

vonneuton

Brian Kane
Believe me, I understand. Although if I really wanted to I could now make them feel at least mildly less full of themselves, I think it's a rule that if you start playing anything remotely simple (apparently meaning less complicated than Van Halen's "Eruption") they are required to try to make you feel ridiculous holding the guitar. Written on 22/2/07

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