Dear Welch's,

I write concerning your latest ad campaign, in which each ad features a spokeschild.  You have made a horrible mistake.  Do a quick Google search and you'll see that people are creeped out by your selection.  They find her annoying and fake.  And I would have to agree.  Look at her, I can tell just by looking at her that she does not have a pure love of grapes and grape juice, jellies and jams.  I doubt she even knows about the existence of Welch's orange marmalade.  She is just using you as a launchpad for her career.

I know that we cannot redo the past, but I would like to share my opinion on how this ad campaign could have been a success.  The key is honesty.

Let me start with a little history.  You might know my dad, Bob.  He has worked for Welch's, doing the exact same job for 43 years.  He is the guy who gets the juice out of the semi tank and puts it in the tank house at the largest Welch's plant in the world.  For 43 years he has worked in a 32 degree warehouse. You may wonder where I'm going with this.  No, I am not suggesting that a 63 year old man become your next spokeschild.  Go back with me for a moment to 1983.  Bob has a daughter, a three year old daughter whose entire livelihood and future depend on the success of Welch's.  A pretty darn cute daughter.  A daughter who loves Welch's grape juice and the collectible Welch's jelly glasses with cartoon characters on them.  This, my friends, is a spokeschild.  I would argue she is the ideal spokeschild for such a case.  A child who honestly loves grapes and their byproducts.  And I would like you to know that she is me.  And you have missed your opportunity.  No one would have said I was creepy or annoying.  Look at me!  This is what a Welch's spokeschild was intended to look like.  I was born to be a Welch's spokeschild.  But alas, you didn't ever ask me to be the spokeschild, instead you asked Shyann.

Does Shyann's dad work at Welch's?  Does she really and truly love grapes?  Did she grow up 1/4 mile from the largest Welch's plant in the world?  Was her house amidst grape vineyards? Was her high school mascot a grapepicker?  I venture to guess the answers are no, no, no, no, and no.

You have failed, Welch's; you have missed the chance to have the spokeschild of a lifetime, that could have changed Welch's forever because now I'm old and not nearly as cute as I was when I was 3.  Shame on you.