Ten tips that just might save your life if you find yourself on the street with me
Just drive. There is no reason to think that if you tap your brakes I will get off your ass... you only make me want to hit you or run you off the road even more then when you were an oblivious nuisence. Now that I know that you are doing it on purpose, I will hunt you down!
Do NOT pass me only to turn right in front of me. Now I have to follow you home and kick your dog, cat, or child, because you made me tap my brake unexpectedly. Seriously, have some couth.
Don't stare at me. It only makes me violent. If you do then I will be forced to leap out of my moving vehicle onto the top of your Focus and crush the roof over your thick fucking skull.
For your own safety, please do not try to pass me before your lane ends, espescially if we are both sitting at a stop light and you have known that your lane would end for over a mile now. I will run your ridiculously large spoiler into a wall and laugh as you dance about in flames...seriously, did you think I would let that slide?
While we are on the subject of lanes ending: there may be two turn lanes, but we are all well aware of the fact they they will immediatly merge into a one-laned on ramp. I don't know why there are two lanes - this only causes problems - but here is the ugly truth: if you try to race around me, I will make sure that you get stuck on the shoulder.
This applies only to residential areas: slow down! If I see you race by my house one more time, I am going to buy a tack strip and blow out your tires, then when you get out and try to act hard I will spray the inside of your car with animal urine. That way, for the next three weeks you can have an aromatic reminder of what a piss-poor driver you are!
Don't pretend like you wanna settle this the "old fashioned way." I will win! I have been dreaming of the day that I would have an appropriate use for the girls' softball bat rolling around in my trunk, and I think a douchbag-piñata is a reason to celebrate!
Consider your surroundings. If the road is three lanes wide and there are three cars going the same speed for more than 2.465 seconds, I may go nuclear, and will start with the guy in the "fast" lane. That's right, if you are in the "fast" lane then you have to go "fast." This means a minimum of 5mph over the speed limit. If you are unable or unwilling to achieve and maintain said speeds, then MOVE!!!
This one is doesn't apply to everybody, but read it to make sure it's not you: if you are going to put a loud "system" in your car, first assure that your car isn't a glaring eyesore that makes a buzzing noise everytime the bass hits. I can deal with the loud music; what I can't deal with is your piece of shit ride making obscene noises as though it is praying for death, and trying to shake its own bolts off so that it doesn't have to transport your ass to your buddy's place so you can circle jerk over what it will be like when the two of you have jobs!
This one is on a personal note: if I see you smoking in the car while you have kids in there, I will wait the three days buy a small hand gun and shoot you in the knees. Seriously!
I'm glad I'm not the only person who carries a baseball bat in their car. I've been saving it for the unlikely occurrence of a zombie outbreak, but shitty drivers sound like good alternate targets.
Written on 25/2/07
Have you ever considered that you may be a large part of the problem? You are not cute, you are not a good writer ...... you fail as a human being
Written on 26/2/07
WOW, you have truly opened my eyes. Maybe, just maybe I am the problem (sob). Well while I work on that here are some knock knock jokes your small little brain may understand (http://www.knock-knock-joke.com/).
Written on 26/2/07
I used to get angry 'road raged' in traffic and then I realized one day - I actually don't give a shit about anyone outside my Ipod's broadcast zone.
You know that person that just cut you off? Big fucking deal, you'll still get there. You know that one guy that's just riding your bumper? So what? If he hits you it's his fault. Oh and that guy that gave you the finger? Do you actually care?
Put your bat away and save your anger for someone who counts - all that investment in time needs a return!
Written on 27/2/07
I honestly find that throwing up the finger enrages people more than anything. It's the aroma of "FUCK YOU" without the taste. The tease is more than they can take.
Written on 27/2/07
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