I Hope You Have Huge Areolas

Published on 13/3/07 in People

My one trump card against beautiful women.

Ladies, you've all been in this situation. You're at the gym working out when a gorgeous woman with beautiful skin, hair like sunshine, a tiny waist, and legs like a gazelle strolls by. She does some lethargic lunges and then skips her tiny ass over to the locker room. Meanwhile, you're 5'5", have been cursed with the dreaded Stumpy Asian Legs Syndrome, are sportin' red splotches on your face from last night's Zit Squeeze-a-Thon, and keep unsuccessfully trying to tuck your paunchy stomach into your shorts.

Basically, life sucks for you. The gods have blessed Perfect Body Woman and have shat upon your genes. You get stretch marks just thinking about having kids, while this beeyotch can pop out a litter and still sport flesh as smooth and taut as the skin on homemade puddin'. Yeah, you've really got nothin' going on that one ups this hot asshole...except...

You can hope against all hopes that she has gigantic areolas. Like, huge. I'm talkin' the size of beer coasters. Giant areolas, my friend, are your Zion.

Seriously, have you ever met a guy who exclaims, "Wow, I loves me some gimungus areolas! It's like those breasts are wearing a beanie!" No, of course not. A huge areola is like a Magic Eye hidden picture--once you notice it (oh, and you will), you're like "God DAY-UM!", and it's all you can stare at. It's like having two lazy eyes on your chest.

Which looks more enticing to you? A lovely, normal-sized pair of areolas:

normalareolas_400

...or these bad boys?

giantareolas_400_02

Yeah, that's what I thought. So ladies, the next time you're feeling depressed about an impossibly hot woman at your gym, job, grocery store, whatever, just tell yourself that she has massive areolas and go about your day.

...oh, and if you're a guy who actually finds ginormous areolas attractive, then WTF, that is really fucked up.

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35 Comments

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JaneCopland

Now THIS really DOES make me want to toile. Written on 13/3/07

My Comment:

Rebecca

...then I've done my job. Written on 13/3/07

My Comment:

Marcelo

Thank god I'm gay or I would have toil'd for sure now. Written on 14/3/07

My Comment:

JaneCopland

I'd have thought that being gay, you'd find this even more toilesome than ever. Written on 14/3/07

My Comment:

Marcelo

Now that you mention it, I remember that when I was a kid I found a porn website that only had pictures of large-breasted women with breast rings so giant that it seemed to spread through their whole bodies. Maybe I'm immune now. Written on 14/3/07

My Comment:

AlohaKid

Wouldn't happen to remember da web link, would'cha?!?!?!?

Aloha all! Written on 17/3/07

My Comment:

SilentGen

http://www.oversized-erect-nipples.com/

I think I found it... toile!

As my girlfriend said... "Wow, they are alike little penises!" Written on 12/5/07

My Comment:

Fluxx

This was, well, awkward to read with my phone on the plane back to Seattle. "I hope nobody saw that image of...OMG there are diagrams!" Written on 13/3/07

My Comment:

RaisingUs

I know many people find sensitivity laughable and deem it the scourge of modern society, but I am going to make an attempt anyway, in the form of a question: What if you are the 'unattractive' woman in the article AND you have large areolas? If one considers what the author has written and infers a conclusion, the unavoidable declaration is that you aren't worth shit. I think that's kind of awful to say to someone. But, you know, that's just my opinion. Written on 13/3/07

My Comment:

Rebecca

Well then, you might as well join a convent. Or kill yourself. Or realize that most of the stuff you read on Drivl is tongue-in-cheek, snarky, sarcastic, and half (or less) serious. Maybe I think huge areolas are awesome! Maybe I have huge areolas! (I don't.)

Read, enjoy, and don't think about it too much. Thinking too much hurts the brain. Written on 13/3/07

My Comment:

AlohaKid

My first post and oddly enuff it's about boobs and in my circle of pervs, I'm known as a semi-pro connaisseur of McGuffies...so Rebecca, in the spirit of fun, would it be inappropriate to axe for pics of your areolas?!?!?

Aloha to all! Written on 17/3/07

My Comment:

Rebecca

Sorry, AlohaKid, but I've got to leave something to your imagination... Written on 20/3/07

My Comment:

alen3k

Lol u should def meet my cousin he's gay too. Written on 14/3/07

My Comment:

Edward

Another thing you can feel confident about...The little prissy slapper bitches jumping around in the gym usually don't know how to think for themselves :P Written on 13/3/07

My Comment:

Rebecca

Duly noted. Written on 13/3/07

My Comment:

anders6i

NEVER, under any circumstances, search for "huge areolas" under google images. Written on 14/3/07

My Comment:

Rebecca

Haha, still a bit shell shocked from the experience? Having Nam-esque flashbacks? Written on 14/3/07

My Comment:

AlohaKid

Is that similar to - "Don't press the red button"

Aloha to all! Written on 17/3/07

My Comment:

CycloneRangr

Big areolas, small areolas, flat nipples, big nipples, perky A-cups or droopy EEE-cups. I don't care. I'll take them all.

Ladies - if you've got breasts of any type, shape or color, come to me and I'll make you feel wanted. Not like that flat-chested chick at the gym with the lumpy ass. Written on 14/3/07

My Comment:

blitzhund

Beware any man who starts off by saying "Ladies..." Written on 15/3/07

My Comment:

Rebecca

LOL Written on 15/3/07

My Comment:

gweezil

I love all areolas, as long as the mounds they are on are nice. Tiny and white or big and pink, they are all great to suck on. Written on 14/3/07

My Comment:

JaneCopland

Agh, toile. Written on 16/3/07

My Comment:

tomEturbo

I don't mind big ones-its the hairy areolas that make me run to toile.... Written on 21/3/07

My Comment:

Aleks

next time just remember to pull out her earphones or unplug them from her ultrasleek pink ipod and she'll eventually turn blue and fall over suffocating. For is it not a common fact that flesh puppets need audiocommands of the "Breathe in... breathe out. breathe in... breathe out." persuasion in order to live? ;) Written on 14/3/07

My Comment:

Here2dispute

I think it's funny that this has only been up for 2 days and it has this many comments.... Probably the most read on the front page considering it has a hot woman as a picture (attracts the guys)

but then again I don't know the sites stats Written on 15/3/07

My Comment:

JaneCopland

I think you'll find that Matt's Social Media Cartoons post and Rebecca's Div 1 NCAA Mascots post have more comments and page views than this :) Written on 16/3/07

My Comment:

AlohaKid

True, but the week she ain't over....

Aloha all! Written on 17/3/07

My Comment:

Bushdoctor

Girls with big Areolas get nipple cocks when aroused Written on 20/3/07

My Comment:

Les

What if you are a guy with huge saucer-like areola? Written on 21/3/07

My Comment:

AlohaKid

Dearest Les -- I'm not a doctor but I did stay at a Holiday Inn...a guy with "saucers" would most likely be a hermaphrodite, D'OH! Written on 22/3/07

My Comment:

BobbyJoeBob

not funny. my mom has really big areolas Written on 15/6/07

My Comment:

AlohaKid

OH?!?!?! Written on 17/7/07

My Comment:

rence

I think I love you...something about this brand of brutal honesty coupled with this particular feature and a sense a humour...I'm going to have a great day at work...thanks...oh and I still break out also but have no epic areolas to compensate...(have I found my flower in the field of weeds?) Written on 26/10/07