In honor of March Madness, we at Drivl thought we would compile a list of the worst Division I college mascots and present them in an easily digestible list for your viewing pleasure. Each entry was researched carefully (meaning not at all) and judged on a variety of criteria, such as ugliness, randomness of mascot choice, cheapness of costume, and the all-important creepiness factor. We hereby present you, in descending order, our pick of the 25 Worst College Mascots currently enjoying D-I status:
25. Georgia Tech's Buzz the Yellow Jacket (ACC)
Apparently the bright minds over at Georgia Tech couldn't think of a better mascot than a yellow jacket. Sure, yellow jackets are annoying when they ruin a perfectly good picnic, and they are capable of killing (but only those with wimpy allergies), but I still can't help but laugh when I see this creature with albino eyes and scrawny legs.
24. University of Wisconsin-Green Bay's Phlash the Phoenix (Horizon League)
A phoenix seems like it would be a pretty sweet mascot, right? They're colorful, look bad-ass, and can spontaneously combust, only to rise from a dusty pile of their own freakin' ashes and be reborn. That's pretty awesome!
Based on the above criteria, I didn't think I'd ever in my life see a pathetic-looking phoenix...that is, until I laid eyes on UW-GB's mascot, "Phlash":
This thing looks like it's risen one too many times, but the creature's curse is that it can't be put out of its misery. It's gaunt, its eyes are sunken, it looks phlemy (Phlash the Phlemy Phoenix?), and it appears to have sprouted random feathers from its chin. Plus, aren't phoenixes supposed to be fiery in color? Last time I checked, green wasn't an inferno-y hue.
23. University of Miami's Sebastian the Ibis (ACC)
A plethora of aquatic mascots to choose from, and the University of Miami chooses an ibis. As if that's not bad enough, the school doesn't even know what an ibis freakin' looks like.
This is an ibis:
This, on the other hand, is Sebastian the "Ibis":
Dude, that's a duck...with what appear to be either eyelashes or Eugene Levy eyebrows. It's wearing a sailor hat and giant cartoon shoes, for crying out loud. You just can't make a duck look bad-ass. Need proof?
Howard the Duck. I rest my case.
Speaking of eyelashes...
22. Florida A&M's Rattlesnake (Mid-Eastern Athletic)
I don't really have any issues with the mascot being a rattlesnake (although doesn't the fact that the costume has legs sort of negate the whole point of having a snake as a mascot?), but why God why did they give it a ponytail and eyelashes? To creepy it up? Well, mission accomplished.
21. Rice University's Sammy the Owl (Conference USA)
And now, a little Drivl Math for you:
It looks like the end product of a Predator infecting a bum and somehow spawning a filthy, outraged, Predatowl.
20. Tulane University's Riptide (Conference USA)
Three things:
19. Campbell University's Gaylord the Camel (Atlantic Sun)
Dude, seriously? GAYLORD the CAMEL?!
(I'd make more jokes, but it looks like Gaylord is sportin' The Glow from The Last Dragon, so I don't want it to fuck me up. Or spit on me.)
18. University of Nebraska's Lil' Red (Big 12)
I envision Lil' Red as Big Boy's jealous, bitter younger brother, who tried to open his own chain of restaurants but failed, and is now reduced to shooting Slim Jims and children's coloring menus out of a t-shirt cannon to fans during Nebraska games.
17. Southern Illinois University-Carbondale's Saluki (Missouri Valley)
I never thought there would be an uglier dog mascot than the bulldog, but Southern Illinois had to prove me wrong by adopting the saluki as theirs. These guys look like they were the result of several generations of inbreeding. They also look like they're going to eat your fucking face.
16. University of Florida's Albert E. Gator (Southeastern)
Albert E. Gator looks like the Danny Glover of mascots: he's, quite frankly, getting too old for this shit. The gator has about eight teeth, beady old man eyes, and is wearing the same huge, frumpy sweater I gave to my grandpa three Christmasses ago. Saddest. Gator. Ever.
15. Syracuse's Otto the Orange (Big East)
ORANGE you glad I didn't...ah, fuck it. This mascot is really retarded. They should have a banana and a strawberry as co-mascots and call themselves "The Smoothies." At least they'd never have to worry about getting scurvy.
14. Vanderbilt's Commodore (Southeastern)
The really freaky mascots are the ones that are (sort of) supposed to be people, and the Commodore is no exception. His head is suffering from an unfortunate case of gigantism, and he's all tranny'd out with a feather, eyeliner, and satin stripes. He manges to look creepy and FABulous at the same time.
13. George Mason's Gunston (Colonial Athletic Association)
I like how the school didn't even bother to identify what their mascot is--they just named it Gunston and called it a day. It looks like Oscar the Grouch's friendly gay cousin. I bet their Sunday night dinners together are awkward:
Oscar: "Would you pass the garbage, Gunston?"
Gunston: "Puhleeese. I won't touch that stuff. I just got a manicure. Do you have any Perrier?"
Oscar: (under his breath) "...you're such a fag..."
Gunston: "Excuse me Mr. Trash Man? Oh no you di-n't!"
12. Saint Louis University's Billiken (Atlantic 10)
According to Wikipedia, a billiken is:
Thus, Saint Louis University took it upon themselves to pick a mascot that is based on some hippy art teacher's acid trip. It looks like Bat Boy.
11. Ohio State's Brutus Buckeye (Big 10)
My hatred of Ohio State (or, as I like to call them, Southern Michigan University) notwithstanding, Brutus Buckeye looks like a turd nugget that has a chunk of corn embedded in it. He should be called a Butteye.
10. Western Kentucky University's Big Red (Sun Belt)
For those of you who wondered what the Kool-Aid Man would look like if he decided to go sugar-free and subsequently lost forty pounds:
OH YEAH!
9. Providence College's Friar (Big East)
If the friar is supposed to be a religious, pious figure, then why does he look like he's going to rape you? (The password is Fidelio, by the way.)
8. Wichita State University's WuShock (Missouri Valley)
It looks like an organic tampon, with "WUSHOCK!" being the exclamation you hear when someone shoves that thing up their hoonaner.
7. Purdue's Purdue Pete (pictured)/Boilermaker Special (Big 10)
I don't know what a Boilermaker is, but Purdue Pete sure looks special, all right. In fact, you know who he reminds me of?
I didn't know Eric Stoltz moonlights as Purdue's mascot!
6. George Washington University's Colonial (Atlantic 10)
For some reason, the Colonial reminds me of the Norseman, McKinley High's mascot in Freaks and Geeks. Both are unintentionally terrifying, with their gigantic heads and soulless eyes. While the Colonial isn't sporting a spine-tingling grin, somehow his look of placid indifference is even scarier.
5. Wake Forest's Demon Deacon (ACC)
The Demon Deacon will haunt my dreams, and here's why:
vs.
He looks like a cartoon version of the creepy old guy in Poltergeist II, who, if any of you saw that movie when you were about six years old, was pretty much the Bogeyman. If the Deacon came running out onto the court screaming "You can't keep her! I AM NOT DEAD!", I would seriously lose my shit and crumble into the fetal position.
4. Xavier Univerity's Blue Blob (Atlantic 10)
The Blue Blob looks like what an alcoholic single dad would craft for his son for a Halloween or school pageant costume. "Look son, it's the Cookie Monster!" No, it's not. It's the personification of a failed father.
3. Harvard's John Harvard (Ivy League)
I didn't know that Harvard founder John Harvard was a retarded burn victim. He looks like the Phantom of the Opera (sans mask, but with a pilgrim hat). I bet he lives in Harvard's basement, sobbing and sadly whisper-singing to himself, "Masquarade...see the faces on parade..."
2. University of Tulsa's Captain Cane (Conference USA)
What the hell is this supposed to be?! A bee hive? A tornado? An adobe? A sixth grader's pottery class project? I just. Don't. Get. It.
1. Stanford's Cardinal (Pac-10)
Ah, the Stanford tree...I don't even know where to begin. When I set out to make this list, I wasn't sure who would grace the coveted 2-25 spots, but I knew right away who would land at #1. This abomination looks like what a class of kindergartners would create as a Christmas decoration for their classroom, with their parents patronizingly oohing and ahhing with faux-impressed approval.
Being a classy institution, Stanford likes to add a little formality to whatever they touch, so, naturally, this tree is outfitted in a bowtie and top hat. The big red lips and googly eyes add a vaguely racist (if that's even possible with an evergreen) touch.
Congratulations to you, Stanford, for spawning the most heinous, ugliest, random, and downright retarded mascot in the NCAA.
Honorable Mentions:
We had to award three honorable mention awards to the following mascots:
Dartmouth's Keggy the Keg
Not making the cut because he's the "unofficial" mascot, Keggy the Keg is both awesome and awful: awesome because, well, he's a keg, and awful because how lazy was the student body to come up with a drum of beer as their mascot?
Pepperdine's Wave Men
The Wave Men were both unofficial and short-lived, as indicated by this gem of an article I came across. I'll share the best part:
You just can't make that up. That is comic gold.
University of California-Santa Cruz's Banana Slug
Disqualified for being a D-III school, we nonetheless felt compelled to include UC-SC's mascot because, come on, wouldn't you?
25. Georgia Tech's Buzz the Yellow Jacket (ACC)
Apparently the bright minds over at Georgia Tech couldn't think of a better mascot than a yellow jacket. Sure, yellow jackets are annoying when they ruin a perfectly good picnic, and they are capable of killing (but only those with wimpy allergies), but I still can't help but laugh when I see this creature with albino eyes and scrawny legs.
24. University of Wisconsin-Green Bay's Phlash the Phoenix (Horizon League)
A phoenix seems like it would be a pretty sweet mascot, right? They're colorful, look bad-ass, and can spontaneously combust, only to rise from a dusty pile of their own freakin' ashes and be reborn. That's pretty awesome!
Based on the above criteria, I didn't think I'd ever in my life see a pathetic-looking phoenix...that is, until I laid eyes on UW-GB's mascot, "Phlash":
This thing looks like it's risen one too many times, but the creature's curse is that it can't be put out of its misery. It's gaunt, its eyes are sunken, it looks phlemy (Phlash the Phlemy Phoenix?), and it appears to have sprouted random feathers from its chin. Plus, aren't phoenixes supposed to be fiery in color? Last time I checked, green wasn't an inferno-y hue.
23. University of Miami's Sebastian the Ibis (ACC)
A plethora of aquatic mascots to choose from, and the University of Miami chooses an ibis. As if that's not bad enough, the school doesn't even know what an ibis freakin' looks like.
This is an ibis:
This, on the other hand, is Sebastian the "Ibis":
Dude, that's a duck...with what appear to be either eyelashes or Eugene Levy eyebrows. It's wearing a sailor hat and giant cartoon shoes, for crying out loud. You just can't make a duck look bad-ass. Need proof?
Howard the Duck. I rest my case.
Speaking of eyelashes...
22. Florida A&M's Rattlesnake (Mid-Eastern Athletic)
I don't really have any issues with the mascot being a rattlesnake (although doesn't the fact that the costume has legs sort of negate the whole point of having a snake as a mascot?), but why God why did they give it a ponytail and eyelashes? To creepy it up? Well, mission accomplished.
21. Rice University's Sammy the Owl (Conference USA)
And now, a little Drivl Math for you:
It looks like the end product of a Predator infecting a bum and somehow spawning a filthy, outraged, Predatowl.
20. Tulane University's Riptide (Conference USA)
Three things:
- He's choking that dog.
- He's dropping a huge gonad while choking that dog.
- The look on his face indicates he is taking great pleasure from choking that dog.
19. Campbell University's Gaylord the Camel (Atlantic Sun)
Dude, seriously? GAYLORD the CAMEL?!
(I'd make more jokes, but it looks like Gaylord is sportin' The Glow from The Last Dragon, so I don't want it to fuck me up. Or spit on me.)
18. University of Nebraska's Lil' Red (Big 12)
I envision Lil' Red as Big Boy's jealous, bitter younger brother, who tried to open his own chain of restaurants but failed, and is now reduced to shooting Slim Jims and children's coloring menus out of a t-shirt cannon to fans during Nebraska games.
17. Southern Illinois University-Carbondale's Saluki (Missouri Valley)
I never thought there would be an uglier dog mascot than the bulldog, but Southern Illinois had to prove me wrong by adopting the saluki as theirs. These guys look like they were the result of several generations of inbreeding. They also look like they're going to eat your fucking face.
16. University of Florida's Albert E. Gator (Southeastern)
Albert E. Gator looks like the Danny Glover of mascots: he's, quite frankly, getting too old for this shit. The gator has about eight teeth, beady old man eyes, and is wearing the same huge, frumpy sweater I gave to my grandpa three Christmasses ago. Saddest. Gator. Ever.
15. Syracuse's Otto the Orange (Big East)
ORANGE you glad I didn't...ah, fuck it. This mascot is really retarded. They should have a banana and a strawberry as co-mascots and call themselves "The Smoothies." At least they'd never have to worry about getting scurvy.
14. Vanderbilt's Commodore (Southeastern)
The really freaky mascots are the ones that are (sort of) supposed to be people, and the Commodore is no exception. His head is suffering from an unfortunate case of gigantism, and he's all tranny'd out with a feather, eyeliner, and satin stripes. He manges to look creepy and FABulous at the same time.
13. George Mason's Gunston (Colonial Athletic Association)
I like how the school didn't even bother to identify what their mascot is--they just named it Gunston and called it a day. It looks like Oscar the Grouch's friendly gay cousin. I bet their Sunday night dinners together are awkward:
Oscar: "Would you pass the garbage, Gunston?"
Gunston: "Puhleeese. I won't touch that stuff. I just got a manicure. Do you have any Perrier?"
Oscar: (under his breath) "...you're such a fag..."
Gunston: "Excuse me Mr. Trash Man? Oh no you di-n't!"
12. Saint Louis University's Billiken (Atlantic 10)
According to Wikipedia, a billiken is:
a charm doll created by an American art teacher and illustrator, Ms. Florence Pretz of Kansas City, Missouri, who is said to have seen the mysterious figure in a dream. In 1908 she patented the Billiken, who was elf-like with pointed ears, a mischievous smile, and a tuft a hair on his pointed head.
Thus, Saint Louis University took it upon themselves to pick a mascot that is based on some hippy art teacher's acid trip. It looks like Bat Boy.
11. Ohio State's Brutus Buckeye (Big 10)
My hatred of Ohio State (or, as I like to call them, Southern Michigan University) notwithstanding, Brutus Buckeye looks like a turd nugget that has a chunk of corn embedded in it. He should be called a Butteye.
10. Western Kentucky University's Big Red (Sun Belt)
For those of you who wondered what the Kool-Aid Man would look like if he decided to go sugar-free and subsequently lost forty pounds:
OH YEAH!
9. Providence College's Friar (Big East)
If the friar is supposed to be a religious, pious figure, then why does he look like he's going to rape you? (The password is Fidelio, by the way.)
8. Wichita State University's WuShock (Missouri Valley)
It looks like an organic tampon, with "WUSHOCK!" being the exclamation you hear when someone shoves that thing up their hoonaner.
7. Purdue's Purdue Pete (pictured)/Boilermaker Special (Big 10)
I don't know what a Boilermaker is, but Purdue Pete sure looks special, all right. In fact, you know who he reminds me of?
I didn't know Eric Stoltz moonlights as Purdue's mascot!
6. George Washington University's Colonial (Atlantic 10)
For some reason, the Colonial reminds me of the Norseman, McKinley High's mascot in Freaks and Geeks. Both are unintentionally terrifying, with their gigantic heads and soulless eyes. While the Colonial isn't sporting a spine-tingling grin, somehow his look of placid indifference is even scarier.
5. Wake Forest's Demon Deacon (ACC)
The Demon Deacon will haunt my dreams, and here's why:
vs.
He looks like a cartoon version of the creepy old guy in Poltergeist II, who, if any of you saw that movie when you were about six years old, was pretty much the Bogeyman. If the Deacon came running out onto the court screaming "You can't keep her! I AM NOT DEAD!", I would seriously lose my shit and crumble into the fetal position.
4. Xavier Univerity's Blue Blob (Atlantic 10)
The Blue Blob looks like what an alcoholic single dad would craft for his son for a Halloween or school pageant costume. "Look son, it's the Cookie Monster!" No, it's not. It's the personification of a failed father.
3. Harvard's John Harvard (Ivy League)
I didn't know that Harvard founder John Harvard was a retarded burn victim. He looks like the Phantom of the Opera (sans mask, but with a pilgrim hat). I bet he lives in Harvard's basement, sobbing and sadly whisper-singing to himself, "Masquarade...see the faces on parade..."
2. University of Tulsa's Captain Cane (Conference USA)
What the hell is this supposed to be?! A bee hive? A tornado? An adobe? A sixth grader's pottery class project? I just. Don't. Get. It.
1. Stanford's Cardinal (Pac-10)
Ah, the Stanford tree...I don't even know where to begin. When I set out to make this list, I wasn't sure who would grace the coveted 2-25 spots, but I knew right away who would land at #1. This abomination looks like what a class of kindergartners would create as a Christmas decoration for their classroom, with their parents patronizingly oohing and ahhing with faux-impressed approval.
Being a classy institution, Stanford likes to add a little formality to whatever they touch, so, naturally, this tree is outfitted in a bowtie and top hat. The big red lips and googly eyes add a vaguely racist (if that's even possible with an evergreen) touch.
Congratulations to you, Stanford, for spawning the most heinous, ugliest, random, and downright retarded mascot in the NCAA.
Honorable Mentions:
We had to award three honorable mention awards to the following mascots:
Dartmouth's Keggy the Keg
Not making the cut because he's the "unofficial" mascot, Keggy the Keg is both awesome and awful: awesome because, well, he's a keg, and awful because how lazy was the student body to come up with a drum of beer as their mascot?
Pepperdine's Wave Men
The Wave Men were both unofficial and short-lived, as indicated by this gem of an article I came across. I'll share the best part:
In the unveiling of the Wave Men, a video presentation of the assassination of the old mascot, King Neptune, was shown.
Then, from the ashes, emerged the team of five, the Wave men.
"The majority of the audience just appeared confused," said senior Kristine Sward, who was at the event.
The idea of having a five-in-one mascot consisting of blue and orange super clowns may have looked good on paper, but the unveiling in front of the Smothers was not well received by students.
"I don't know how I felt about them, I guess if I saw them at a game I might give them a better chance, but Smothers was just an odd place to unveil them," senior Diana Hernandez said.
You just can't make that up. That is comic gold.
University of California-Santa Cruz's Banana Slug
Disqualified for being a D-III school, we nonetheless felt compelled to include UC-SC's mascot because, come on, wouldn't you?
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