Members login Not a member yet? Sign up
Rebecca Kelley

Timbaland, Don't You Dare!

by Rebecca Kelley []
Published on 19/3/07 in Music
You BETTER not help Britney Spears get her career back on track. I'm warning you...
I read in a recent issue of Entertainment Weekly that Timbaland wants to work with Britney Spears in order to help her get her career back on track. He was quoted as saying:

''I feel her pain, it really bothers me,'' says the influential beatsmith, his voice cracking with emotion. ''I'm the type of person who tries to save the world. I just want to take her away, go overseas, and work [it] out...'I just want to hold her hand. I want her to be in my camp, to be around Justin [Timberlake]. I need Justin to talk to her. Help her, please!''

This easily takes the prize for the most infuriating thing I've read this week. What the hell is wrong with you, Timbaland? You can't save the world by producing a hit CD for Britney Spears. You want to save the world? Then DON'T help her.

I'm all for Britney Spears getting personal help. The girl is coming closer and closer to booking a one-way ticket to Crazyville, and she needs to get her shit together. Has she forgotten that she has two young kids to take care of? They're probably laying under a blanket of empty Cheetos bags and using crushed cans of Coca Cola as a makeshift pillow as we speak. Britney definitely needs to straighten out her personal life, because she's not only hurting herself, but she's neglecting her family, too.

That being said, fuck her career. She hasn't put out anything new in four years. I'm by no means a fan of her music, but I at least have a semblance of respect for musicians who work hard. The only thing this trainwreck has worked hard at lately is ensuring her crazy ass remains firmly cemented on the front page of every tabloid, gossip site, and, God forbid, CNN.

Putting together a smash hit CD for Britney Spears would only ensure one thing--that she hasn't learned her freakin' lesson. She's never going to realize that she can't sing a lick and that maybe the public isn't so forgiving, after all, until she records an abomination of music that consists of her yodeling and warbling about C-section scars, bald itchy head syndrome, and umbrella attacks.  Then, after she has been humbled by her failure, can Timbaland step in, say, "This is how the pros do it," and make her a CD that's actually listenable.

The thought of this bald banshee getting a career resurgance without earning it on her own is teeth-grindingly maddening. Britney will sit back as a power team of songwriters, backup singers, sound mixers, airbrushers, and choreographers work their ass off in order to get her back into the good graces of music listeners and critics everywhere.

Timbaland, if you really want to save the world, then leave her alone and donate your time to a charity, instead. Britney Spears is not a charity, and stop thinking of her career as something you can adopt. There's only room for one Angelina Jolie in this celebrisphere, and since she has expressed no interest in adopting a has-been pop star, then you'll just have to let Ms. Spears work this shit out on her own.

Tag & Vote

Technorati Technorati Tags:
timbaland, britney spears, music
Social Bookmark:
Submit to Del.icio.us Submit to Digg Submit to Reddit
Vote:
 3.7 (7 votes) Login to vote

Share, it's good for you


Copy and paste the code above to post this story on your MySpace or Blog.

19 Comments

Wanna comment? Signup!

philbot5000

Phil
Poor Britney. She's had it so rough. I can see why Timbaland would want to reach out to her, but maybe we should leave this to the professionals, like Sally Struthers, or that disheveled, crazy looking white bearded guy that comes on late at night. What's his deal? Is helping hungry kids his only claim to fame?

At least Britney has a potential ROI. I bet those African kids can't even dance. Or is that just the dehydration from lack of drinking water? Written on 19/3/07

Rebecca

Rebecca Kelley
I bet they can do a mean hula hoop. Those distended bellies have to do a great job of holding the hoop up... Written on 19/3/07

tiburonbite

Él Tiburon
I sure hope when I buzz the melon and start flashing my cash and prizes every time I exit a vehicle, that the moral compass who decides to get me back on track has the good enough sense to name himself after a friggin shoe. Written on 19/3/07

Rebecca

Rebecca Kelley
I hope it's a guy named "LA Gear." Written on 19/3/07

philbot5000

Phil
That guy has some seriously sick rhymes. Written on 19/3/07

ScottWill

Scott Willoughby
"flashing my cash and prizes..."

You sir have just introduced me to my favorite new euphemism. Written on 19/3/07

ShawnG

Shawn Gordon
I really can't have much sympathy for Brittany. She's self deluded and ruined her own career. While I can get past the slutty exterior, she's a performer who can't really perform. It's akin to a race car driver with no car.

Aside from that, anytime I hear her talk I feel myself getting stupiderer Written on 19/3/07

AlohaKid

Marc
A positive re: her career hittin’ rock bottom (no pun intended) w/ little or no income, a strong possibility Playboy or even the literary Hustler throwing much needed cash her way...

Aloha all!
Written on 20/3/07

Rebecca

Rebecca Kelley
Would you really want to see her nekkid at this point? I don't think there are enough air brushes in the world... Written on 20/3/07

AlohaKid

Marc
No ma'am...wuz simply pullin' the groups leg...didn't ya feel da tug?!?!? Written on 24/3/07

blitzhund

William Paris
Formulae should be:

If STAR = Under 13 years old AND is member of Mickey Mouse Club

THEN leave the fuck alone OR ELSE they go fucking crazy. Written on 20/3/07

ScottWill

Scott Willoughby
Unfortunately, I'm pretty sure the staff at US Weekly, The Star, The Enquirer, etc. all failed Logic class. Written on 20/3/07

JaneCopland

Jane
This is one of the best comment we've ever had. It's like a mashup of academia and mindless garbage. I like. Written on 20/3/07

philbot5000

Phil
I'm going to take a crack at formalizing this:

{ [ S & (~O & M) ] => L } v C

I'm probably way off. Written on 20/3/07

JaneCopland

Jane
I think that looks perfect. A+ for formalising an equation that involves Britney Spears. Written on 23/3/07

robashito

robashito
tell that skinhead to care for her kids first, then we'll talk about her MTV career. :) Written on 20/3/07

HCook1

Hilary Johnson
I was happy when she fell off, I dont ever hear her on the radio. Its sad enough I see her snatch on the computer and tv. Written on 23/3/07

AlohaKid

Marc
I'm cumfussed, were you sad you had to do an Internet search to view her "S" or viewin' her "S" mad you sad!!!!


Aloha all! Written on 24/3/07

AleksandO

alexander Og
I think that Tim helping Britney get her music carrier back on a track isn't such a bad idea. BUT, in order to do so he will have to wait until she gets her personal life fixed. Let's get serious, lately she is nothing but misery, she's acting crazy, she doesn't take care of her kids as a mother should, and finally have you seen her current looks? She will need to hire an entire staff to make her appearance look better. And some time will have to pass so she can display any hair on her videos. REAL hair I mean. Despite all of the things said above, if a collaboration between Tim & Brit does occur, I'm looking forward on seeing what will come out of all that... Written on 30/8/07

Wanna comment? Signup!