With the recent talk of illegal immigrants, migrant workers, and a proposed fence running the length of the Mexico/U.S. border, we are forgetting another type of illegal alien who threatens our safety and our way of life: Canadians. Specifically, Canadian Geese. Or as I like to refer to them, the Goddamworthlessdirtybirds.

I attend a medium-size state university in Southern Illinois. The campus is well taken care of, which means that instead of migrating south during the winter the geese stick around and take advantage of the readily available supply of grass and other food. Over time, these geese have ceased to give a shit about migrating and have taken up premanent residence all year long. Not only that, they've become accustomed to humans and don't seem very afraid of us. They walk across the quad eating crumbs from overpriced Starbucks pastries, they take their sweet-ass time crossing the road, and worst of all they leave green, disgusting turds wherever they damn well please. I used to think all the people walking around with their heads pointed at their shoes were unsociable pricks, or at the worst just terribly shy. Then I realized they were carefully examining each step they take because they DON'T LIKE GREASY GOOSE TURDS ON THEIR SHOES! Eventually, I came to accept the carpet of goose shit on campus as inevitable. But today that all changed.

While I was walking home from class  I noticed two geese walking side by side towards me. I moved over to the side so as to not disturb them and as they passed by one of the geese stopped and hissed at me. It was like he was saying "What the fuck are you doing on my sidewalk?" So much for the stereotype that Canadians are friendly. Not one to put up with guff from strangers, least of all imigrant water fowl, I lurched at the goose in order to scare it away. Big mistake. I guess I offended his sense of goose machismo, because the little son of a bitch started chasing me! I started running, thinking he would give up, but apparently geese are very determined. He kept flapping his wings and nipping at my pant leg. After about 20 yards I got fed up with it, turned around, and kicked him in the face as hard as I could. I had two things working to my advantage:

1. I grew up and worked on a dairy farm, as well as played on the offensive line in high school, so I've got fairly strong legs.
2. I was wearing boots

Pele himself never kicked a soccer ball as hard as I kicked that goose in its beak, and the next thing I knew the goose was laying on the ground with it's neck bent at a funny angle, not moving. I had killed it. And I don't regret it at all. The little bastard deserved it. But before all of you animal rights retards get your feathers in a bunch (pun intended), let me tell you WHY I don't regret killing that bird. For one thing, these geese are defective and bad for the ecosystem. They eat the food that other birds and animals eat and can seriously mess things up. If you want to know about messing up an ecosystem, ask an Australian about rabbits. Also, I live in family housing with my 13 month old son who loves to play outside. What would happen if a goose came up to him while we were outside playing together? I'll tell you what would happen: a curious little boy would try to pet the goose, piss the goose off, then get bitten if I couldn't intervene in time. And of course, there's the aformentioned goose shit. So I am not in the least bit sorry that I killed that goose. And if the situation ever comes up again, I'll kill another one, and another, until every last defective, dirty goose is gone from this campus.

No longer will I allow these foreign nationals to deface my homeland with their squalid ways; no longer will I stand idly by as these uninvited guests steal valuable resources from decent, hard-working American animals. NOW is the time to stand up to the Foreign Menace!