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Matthew Inman

Web 2.0 is Dead - Welcome to Boars

by Matthew Inman []
Published on 21/3/07 in Technology
Drivl is pleased to announce the arrival of Boars, the newest evolution of web technology that is going to change the way you work, live, and play by synergizing web 2.0 in the blogofolkosnomic sphere.
Web 2.0 is everywhere:  blogs, news headlines, online communities, hair salons, intestinal tracts - EVERYWHERE.  I see the elderly running nude in the streets wearing nothing but web 2.0.  My cat takes a dump and makes tag clouds.  I'm popping this withered funbag of web 2.0--it's all about boars now.

What are Boars?
Boars are the evolution of web based services that include social networking sites, wikis, folksonomies, online collaboration, endoplasmic reticulum tags, high fructose corn syrup, taxonomies, and ocular cavities.

Use boars and attain web development nirvana.

How will Boars change my life?
boars_success_01Boars will change the way you build websites and the way you live your life, creating synergy on the anti-vacuous paradigm of the longtail framework markets and utilizing ActiveRecord, MVC, folksonomic bear-hugs, AJAX, and Guatemalan sea-crab juice. 

Our fake case studies indicate that using Boars has increased profitability in 25 billion internet sectors.  High fives for vicious jungle swine!





Why Boars?
  • Rapid Development: Boars are fast - REALLY fast.  They get all blurry in photos.
  • Usability: Web 2.0 sites typically use tag clouds which are the navigational equivalent of a sack of mangos.  Boars don't use tag clouds, they group tags in concave polygons.  Shit yeah, polygons! And they're fucking concave!
  • Synergy:  Ever seen a boar make love to another boar?   Enough said.
  • Compatibility: Boars eat EVERYTHING, including bits of plastic and other boars. 
  • Exspensibrofitability: No one ever rouses an idle boar.  If you do they rush you with their tusks and you get stabbed right in the mouth.

glue


How much money for Boars?
In the spirit of Web 2.0, Boars are completely free. They will be free until our web 2.0 company nearly collapses due to not having a real business model. After that we'll stick adsense on them and pray for some decent income.

inthejungle_400

I want boars! How do I get Boars?
We are offering a limited beta download of Boars to those who can chug a gallon of Guatemalan crab juice without getting the runs.  Also, send us saucy photos and extruciatingly detailed poetry describing why you love Boars and we will consider giving you access.

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9 Comments

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Oatmeal

Matthew Inman
Know what's awesome about this post?

1. I got to make fun of web 2.0
2. I got to cuss a lot
3. I got to write about pigs Written on 21/3/07

ScottWill

Scott Willoughby
Trust me folks, to him, this is the Shangri-La of web posts. I'm pretty sure he jizzed himself while writing it. Written on 23/3/07

crispyjones

Chris
I called my local Super Mercado and they were out of Guatemalan crab juice. They did have a few liters of Honduran Prawn extract, I hope that gets my foot in the beta door. I just know the addition of Boar to my collaborative, wiki-enabled, SMS, gps, bluetooth/Wimax, mesh networked, carbon load tracking, tomato garden will finally get me slashdotted. Written on 21/3/07

Auggie

Auggie
Awesome! We're starting up our web 2.0 stuff here at work so I just sent this link to my boss suggesting a switch! Time to dump this old web 2.0 technology and move forward with Boars. Written on 22/3/07

tiburonbite

Él Tiburon
I'm not going to ask how you'll be getting the boars into the tubes. Written on 22/3/07

sportrider

Sidharth Iyer
We'll just have senator Ted Stevens yell at the boars. We can also use him to blow hot air into the boars. So as to facilitate their travel through the 'series of tubes' Written on 23/3/07

Thimk

Tim Faulkner
I drank the Guatamalan crab juice a few hours ago. Although a trip to the dumper came quicker than expected and my stool is a little "looser" than expected, I don't think it qualifies as "the runs."

I'm saving my stool for your own personal inspection. Written on 22/3/07

JaneCopland

Jane
Matt will come around and pick it up promptly. Written on 23/3/07

girlinlove

Girlinlove
define "saucy." I have some photos that might work, but I'm trying to narrow it down. Funny how that boar fetish phase I went through a couple years ago is finally paying off. (I had my doubts)

that whole crab juice thing is way too subjective. I vote you make an exception for those with especially "saucy" photos.
Written on 24/3/07

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