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Eustace Clarence Scrubb

DJ Unk Changed My Life

by Eustace Clarence Scrubb []
Published on 26/3/07 in Music
or... "Why I'm Going To Write Rap Songs... Right Now"
Most of my teenage and adult life has been spent listening to music.  What began as a brief obsession with Green Day and Nirvana turned into a deep love of good songwriting by the likes of Carole King, Peter Gabriel, The Beatles, and The Smiths.  The ability of artists like these - pairing meaningful lyrics with innovative melodies and rhythms - has often left me painfully aware of my ineptitude as a musican and aspiring songwriter.  However, my entire outlook on my daydreams of rock-stardom have suddenly been bathed in sparkling, shimmering rays of hope via a three minute aural experience while driving on the freeway:

DJ Unk's "Walk It Out".

This song started just like most others of its genre - a minimalist beat-box groove with a relatively uninspired sprinkling of synthesizer fumbling.  But as I passively listened, I became increasingly amazed.  This gem of a ditty has inspired me to quit my job and write rap songs.  Just look:

"West Side Walk It Out
South Side Walk It Out
East Side Walk It Out
North Side Walk It Out"

A command issued to the west, south, east, and north to "walk it out."  While not very provocative, it does demonstrate a functioning grasp of cardinal directions, which I, along with most third-graders, possess as well.  It proceeds on to the first verse:

"Now Hit Da Dance Floor
Now Bend Your Back Low
She Do It Wit No Hands
Now Stop Pop And Roll
Im Smokin Bubba Hoe
Now Ya'll In Trouble Hoe
I Like Da Way She Move
An Undercover Hoe"

Describing the flexible movements of a girl on the dance floor, who apparently is quite talented at the limbo.  I'm not entirely sure what "Bubba" is, but clearly, smoking it does not benefit the hoes.  

The song continues in this fashion, with the same three-note synthesizer hook throughout its entirety.  "Walk it out" is continually commanded, sandwiched between mention of Patron, double shots of Grey Goose and "haters hatin'."  This seems to be a prevalent theme in rap music these days, but I digress.

After this hypnotic drone finally ran its course, I began to think: WHY AM I NOT WRITING THESE SONGS?  The only thing that could possibly cripple me in the rap music business is my ability to parse thoughts and phrases into correct grammar.  I can finally put away modal theory, modulation, iambic pentameter, and metaphor, and instead craft tri-syllabic statements that have no meaning, literal or figurative.  

These come to mind:

"Look Around"
"Take A Shit"
"Bum Some Change"
"S.T.D."

...and the ultimate in baseless utterances in the rap culture: "Get A Job."

It becomes very simple, after coming up with a catchy hook like the aforementioned, to craft it into a lyrical structure mimicking the successful lyrics of "Walk It Out":

"West Side Take A Shit
South Side Bum Some Change
East Side Look Around
North Side Get A Job"

Ladies and gentlemen, I believe I have found a way out of the community college rat race.  I'll see you all on BET.

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15 Comments

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Rebecca

Rebecca Kelley
You better give mad props to Jesus when you accept your BET Music Award. Kissing your fingers and then pointing up at the sky is encouraged, too. Written on 26/3/07

eustace

Eustace Clarence Scrubb
i could thank jesus only after recent news headlines about either a) beating my wife or passers-by, b) drug charges or c) molesting children. Written on 26/3/07

Fluxx

Jeff Pollard
This article is brilliant. I've ofter heard this song and thought...well Rap music has hit a new low.

If you're looking for some actual GOOD hip-hop, I have a few names I can recommend. Written on 26/3/07

TexasJ

Joshua Goodwin
take a shit
burn some change
get a job

freakin brilliant! Written on 26/3/07

JaneCopland

Jane
"Jigga jigga. Call a girl Bojangles."

That's some lyrical talent, there. Written on 26/3/07

TCSM

Pete Wailes
You can't reference Bojangles - it's implying a level of cultural and musical awareness that there's no chance a rap star will ever achieve.

I mean come on, when your greatest lifetime achievement that you want to tell the world about is that you "popped a cap in da nigga's ass" and "pimped his hoe... yeh!", how bright can you be? Written on 27/3/07

JaneCopland

Jane
I can reference Bojangles if he can. Written on 27/3/07

tao83

tao83
Hilarious and brilliant!

It's time for untalented, illiterate and tone-deaf "wannabes" to step aside. Written on 26/3/07

rodaniel

Rob O'Daniel
Why it is that the vast majority of the hip-hop "musicians" all seem so miserable, pissed off, or maybe just constipated?

C'mon, how unhappy can you justify being if the most challenging part of your day is wearing $2mil of platinum & diamonds (and a $200 white t-shirt) while "bustin' a rhyme"?

I'm thinking that maybe if they pawn off some "bling" and snag a Happy Meal, these thugs might just be able to crack a smile...

After all, if we've gotta tolerate these jokers bilking a significant portion of the Gen Y population out of every last dime on stuff that's (generally) about as sophisticated as Mother Goose nursery rhymes, shouldn't we be able to at least expect these thugs to smile sincerely on their way to the bank?

As a general rule, I consider a song total crap if, within the first few seconds of the song, I hear "Uhhhh" or "Aw yeeeeeah!" And you're on my short list (of suck-butt "musiciains") if you have to include the spelling - or worse yet, the pronounciation - of your fake name in each song. I mean, how much actual talent can you really have if you need to continually remind the listener who you are? Written on 27/3/07

Rebecca

Rebecca Kelley
You know what's worse than crappy rappers? Tony Parker rapping in French. Written on 27/3/07

dillivered

Brett
Oh WTF!? Why.... I mean what the.... Forget it I don't even know what to say. I just wanted to find some way to describe my frustration with the 9 seconds of that video I actually watched.

Written on 28/3/07

ShawnG

Shawn Gordon
Well fuck... I tried to write rap music after Master P wrote that unforgettable diddy "Make 'em say ungh"... But unfortunately my grammar and sentence structure was too refined for the likes of degenerate materialists. There's nothing out there for people who made it past 2nd grade... it was enough to make me almost try my hand at Emo. Written on 30/3/07

antiartist

Tom
"I'm not entirely sure what "Bubba" is, but clearly, smoking it does not benefit the hoes."

I had troubles breathing from this point until on in the post because I was laughing continuously!!! Written on 31/3/07

eustace

Eustace Clarence Scrubb
glad i could play a part in your autoasphyxiation. Written on 1/4/07

xero01

Eric P.

"Look Around"
"Take A Shit"
"Bum Some Change"
"S.T.D."

LOL! pure genius! Written on 4/6/07

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