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Jane

Ten Things I'd Like To Do To Spammers

by Jane []
Published on 28/3/07 in Web
Spammers are the lowest form of life on the internet and they deserve all the torture we could ever wish upon them.
I have a junk mail filter in my email, but it's shit. About a third of the spam that comes flooding my way finds its slippery, greasy way past the filter, so when I see that I have ten new messages, I automatically assume four of them are junk.

Most spammers are too stupid to click their way out of a Geocities page, and their spam usually targets people of a similar IQ. I would love to find out where these fuckers live. I'd love to get their phone numbers. I'd love to impart some of my frustration and agony on these dick-picking shit shows...

My Spam Fantasies:

1.   I drive a big pick-up truck onto a spammer's lawn. In the bed of the pick-up is a giant neon sign advertising cheap Cialis stocks and shares, and everything is spelled incorrectly. I leave the pick-up on the lawn and run away with the keys, so the spammer can't move the truck or its sign.

2.   I let my dog drink a pint of Half-and-Half and then get him to take a shit in the spammer's mailbox, preferably on top of some important bills and a Christmas card from the spammer's mother.

3.   I shove an envelope under the spammer's front door. Written on the envelope is "Re: Your overdue account." In the envelope is a powdered form of smallpox.

4.   I light the spammer on fire.

5.   I find out which school the spammer's small children attend. When they're on their way out of the school gates in the afternoon, I approach them with brochures depicting lude pornographic acts involving a variety of God's creatures, including but not limited to teenage girls and oxen.

6.   I enter the spammer's phone number into PhoneMyPhone.com and set it to call the spammer nine times at three in the morning. Every morning.

7.   I plaster an assortment of meaningless stickers on the spammer's car window so that the vehicle is undriveable. When the spammer complains that the stickers won't come off, I call it "advertising."

8.   I stand outside the spammer's house while he is having his dinner and yell meaningless things at him.

9.   I wait for the spammer outside his bank. When he's on his way inside, I pull him aside and tell him he's been pre-approved for a loan of $300,000 as long as he can show me some valid ID. While he's looking for his license, I kick him in the nuts and steal his wallet.

10.   I purchase an obviously fake but somewhat imaginative police officer's uniform and "arrest" the spammer. Then I take him to a warehouse down by the stadiums and beat him senseless.

10a. (This one's for you, Calophi) I crash the spammer's Thanksgiving dinner and present the spammer's wife with Norwegian Penis Power pills. Winking suggestively at the spammer, I say to her, "You don't have to thank me... I know you'll be thanking God later on tonight."

Call me angry and unreasonable, but I'm so sick of this shit.

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24 Comments

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Rebecca

Rebecca Kelley
This one made me laugh:
While he's looking for his license, I kick him in the nuts and steal his wallet.
Written on 28/3/07

girlinlove

Girlinlove
ha ha, me too! number 9 is my favorite, followed up by the stickers on the car.

I also like the one where you show porn to spammer kids--I know, it's cruel and dirty, but he does it himself all day long! His children ought to get to see his work.

I think i am getting way too excited about this. Written on 28/3/07

bgkimzey

Blake
This could start an entire movement. Like when kids went to Berkeley back in the 60's to dodge the draft and have lots of sex, engage in drug taking, and listen to rock and roll while doing one or both. I didn't even know about phone-my-phone. I can find other uses for this too.

Blake Written on 28/3/07

Greylady

Maeve
The only problem with Phonemyphone is that they instantly record your ISP code and suggest they have a cordial relationship with the cops. Would kind of put a damper on the 3:00 AM phone calls to the spammer. I would like to get a spammer's address and send it to CITIBank. Their junk snail mail is at least as irritating as spam and I have to shred it besides. Written on 28/3/07

DCR

dave
I have earthlink if you aint in my address book you receive an email from earthlink that informs you of this fact and offers to ask me if I want to add you. maybe i will maybe i will not. I now get no spam. some times i go to the site where i can veiw it on line just because I want to see the stupidity of the spams. Written on 28/3/07

JaneCopland

Jane
Sometimes the stupidity amuses me; sometimes it makes me seethingly angry. Written on 28/3/07

Fluxx

Jeff Pollard
You're the one who bounces the Drivl emails! Add us to your address book, fool! Written on 29/3/07

Calophi

Calophi
You forgot the one where you approach the spammer's significant other and offer them penis enlarger pumps and other male enhancement products. Written on 29/3/07

JaneCopland

Jane
You know, that is an excellent point. And I am going to edit this accordingly. When I get to work :) Written on 29/3/07

blitzhund

William Paris
Jane. Copland. For. Prime. Minister. (fixed) Written on 29/3/07

JaneCopland

Jane
Flattered, but foreign. Jane Copland for Prime Minister! Written on 29/3/07

fatback

Francis
The scary thing is that people actually click on (meaning there is a market for) things like "DATE RAPE DRUGZ- STRONG" and "KIll heR wiTH ur EREXshun, no COPS". Although I do have a good feeling about he Namibian Princess who asked to put some funds in my account. She wrote to me in French, so it has to be true. She signed it "J'Thame". Which is like French for I'm a river in England. I think I luv SHE. Written on 29/3/07

JaneCopland

Jane
She signed it "J'Thame". Which is like French for I'm a river in England. I think I luv SHE.


Hilarious. I've been written to in Russian before. I was going to try and run it through a translator. I almost wish I had. Wonder what it would have said? Written on 29/3/07

TamTam

Tammy Gray
too funny What about translating the ones in Korean? Is Korean like Japanese, where they do not use the letter "L"? Am I being invited to rook at pictures of naked peepo, or is someone just trying to give me free raptop? Written on 4/4/07

Marcelo

Marcelo Jenisch
What? She has contacted you too? :( But I want the money! Written on 31/3/07

sportrider

Sidharth Iyer
Umm... 90% of spam is sent by bots on a botnet. There are thousands of these bots in each botnet. Chances are, your co-worker's computer is the one sending you spam. That is, unless you have a good IT department that actually cares about its job. Written on 29/3/07

JaneCopland

Jane
Then I'd do all of this to the person behind the botnet. The person who initially thought, "hey, I could make some money out of creating right-royal-dickheaded bots."

There's a human behind everything if you go back far enough, and they'd all hate it if my dog shat in their mailboxes. Written on 29/3/07

sportrider

Sidharth Iyer
Please send me pictures of said mailboxes. And of expressions of botnet masters when they open said mailboxes. I would then be able to die a happy man. Written on 29/3/07

JaneCopland

Jane
This is off topic, but...
A certain person who comments on this blog once defiled the mailbox of a certain public figure who was as much of an asshole as the above mentioned botnet masters. He wore an expression of horror for weeks :)

And no, I won't tell you who, what, where or when, but the "why" answer is "because he deserved it." Written on 29/3/07

Scandalnavia

Scandalnavia
eeeeek. Accidental post. Written on 30/3/07

Scandalnavia

Scandalnavia
Ohhhh. Poor dog.

Couldn't you use a posse of homeless drunks?

They could use the work. Written on 30/3/07

MC_10-56

Joshua Paddock
"...including but not limited to teenage girls and oxen."


I wish my wife talked like that.
Written on 29/3/07

JaneCopland

Jane
... I'll let my husband know how lucky he is :P Written on 29/3/07

Edward

Edward
What a winner! Yeah the pricks must die! Might be a good idea for a new tv show...If you got the right bunch of geeks together they could hunt them down and then the production team could come up with the evilness. Written on 29/3/07

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