Wise up, DePauw Delta Zetas. Sororities aren't about sisterhood. They're about accessible vaginas, and no one wants to hit some ugly pussy. Especially not ugly pussy in TJ Maxx slacks.
A few weeks ago at DePauw University in western Indiana, two dozen fugly naked sorority girls were invited to leave the campus "dog house," Delta Zeta. They were bringing the tanorexic, pussilicious sorority girls down and the school's fraternity boys were confused as to which of the student body it was okay to fuck. The removal of the ugly naked sorority girls brought Greek life back to an equalibrium and life in western Indiana should have returned to normal.
But it didn't. Some former ugly naked sorority girl complained. She was apparently of the mind that it was unfair that the pretty girls got to stay and her naked sorority girl ass was booted. Honey, the legitimacy of your removal revolves around the following points:
- Being in a sorority has nothing to do with being nice, smart or sisterly. It's about being fuckable. You, dear, are only fuckable in the engineering and possibly agriculture departments.
- You can only be naked if you are fuckable in five or more major fields of study at DePauw. The trifecta of civil, mechanical and electrical engineering only counts as one.
- Quite aside from being fuckable, you've got to be willing to do some of the fucking. Neatly pressed choir girls for whom "tequila" isn't the magic word for open legs aren't popular items on Greek Row.
In the interests of journalism, we contacted some of the remaining members of the sorority and asked them to comment. Emma Edgeliss of Cincinatti answered the phone when we called. She seemed confused for a few minutes as to what we wanted to know as it appeared she hadn't noticed that anyone was missing from the house. Upon being reminded of the incident, Edgeliss stated that her roommate Kendall had noticed that there was less matted hair in the bottom of the showers and that the ratio of granny panties to Victoria's Secret thongs had declined rapidly. We asked to speak with Kendall, but Emma informed us that Kendall wasn't home and hadn't been seen since she left the Alpha Tau Omega (ATO) house with a Phi Kappa Psi brother the night before. It might have been Dominic, but Edgeliss wasn't sure. It could have been this dude Marshall.
Tracking down the former ugly naked sorority girls wasn't as difficult as finding the unfortunate Kendall. The now homeless former ugly naked sorority girls had been granted shelter in both DePaux University's library and in the basement of the Accounting department. Most had chosen the Accounting building, as the library had limted their stay to the English Literature section. They'd initially been granted the right to bunk down in Reference, but Zeta Phi Betas had complained, saying that the Reference section was where they liked to hang out before Applied Communications 192 tests. It is, apparently, a good place to spot Phi Gamma Deltas, so the former ugly naked sorority girls were asked to move.
As of right now, the national leadership of Delta Zeta has filed a federal lawsuit against DePauw University for totally dissing the DePauw chapter after they removed the ugly naked girls. Said former ugly naked sorority girl, Marilyn Fleischstein of Rectumclaw, Ill., "I had no idea you had to be cute and skinny to be in a sorority. This just astounds me."
Where have you been for the past four years, Marilyn? Not on a college campus, that's for sure.
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