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David Thiel

Drive Through Drivl

by David Thiel []
Published on 5/4/07 in Food & Drink
Run! Save yourselves! The MORONS are here!
I am sitting in my car at a drive through. Yes. I'm too fricking lazy to haul my hungry self out and go into the restaurant. Besides there's a tune playing that I want to hear. Yeah. That's it. I'm not lazy. I am an audiophile. Sure.

A garbled voice comes out of the speaker. It may or may not be English. But it sounds like someone is clicking the mic on and off while they run a small but vigorously protesting rodent through a sausage-making machine.

I assume this person is asking me what I want to order. So I tell him (and/or) her.

"....moment.................back," I hear through the growling spitting speaker. So I sit. And I wait. The tune I was pretending to like ends. Another one comes on. I don't like this one as much. Cars behind me...cars in front of me. A curb beside me.

I wait.

What can they be doing?

I listen. I wait. I whistle. I clear my throat.

Finally, the voice again: "Can I help you?"

This means, I assume, that they have finished torturing the rodent and have now fashioned it into what is about to be my lunch.

"Yes," I say, and I place my order.
"Drive through to the next window," says the voice.

I look ahead of me. There is only one window. It's bright yellow. Like I am going to put the car in park and stay there? Am I a moron? Am I not able to figure out the next step in the process?!

"Which window?" I ask.

There's a pause. You can hear them pondering this. You can almost hear the slow, measured plodding of the brian crawling though unfamiliar territory.

"....the....window."
"Which one?"
"Well...there's only one..."
"Ahhh," I say. "That window."

I stay there. The window ahead of me beckons. I ignore it.

The window and I am having a small standoff.

Finally the speaker crackles to life. The disembodied voice comes again:

"Ummm?"
"Yes?"
"Drive forward to the next window."
"Ohhhh...you mean now?" I say, like this is a heavenly revelation.
"Sure," says the voice.
"You should have told me," I chide.
"About driving forward?"
"Yes. About driving forward."

Pause. "Sorry."

"Just make sure that you tell all the other drivers then -- y'know. About when to drive."

"You think so?"
"Absolutely," I say vigorously.

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9 Comments

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Rebecca

Rebecca Kelley
Dude, you totally got a spit burger. Written on 5/4/07

magic_fella

David Thiel
And I thought it was "Special Sauce...."

Damn. Written on 5/4/07

tiburonbite

Él Tiburon
After working as a server, I know to never fuck with food service, especially that low on the totem pole. I've seen a lot worse than spit get served with a lot less provocation. Also, your joke about the rat wouldn't be as funny to you if you stuck your head in that window and looked around. Written on 5/4/07

ScottWill

Scott Willoughby
There was an independent burger stand near where I grew up. A few people I knew in high school had worked there and, apparently, it was common practice for the majority of the male employees to use the fryer vats as urinals. I have never eaten there, thank God. Written on 5/4/07

unbelievable

brendan hills
This has to be a "friend of a friend told me" story. Have you ever put water in boiling oil? Yes: you get a geyser of boiling oil and water spraying everywhere. No guy who wasn't into severe pain would unzip near a fryer vat.

I call bullshit on that story. Written on 8/4/07

JaneCopland

Jane
As we all know, my order always gets fucked up. This is the exact reason why I rarely asked them to fix it. Written on 5/4/07

fatback

Francis
Seriously. I worked in food service for a while so I know what goes on behind the scenes. I never special order. I hate mayonnaise and I'm allergic to pickles. I just scrape 'em off and smile. A little bit o' hives never really hurt anyone right?

What really sucks is when you are in line with a friend who is *ahem* a bit high maintenance. I fire off my order, "double cheeseburger, fries coke". Bam. Just like that. Order = done. Elapsed time: 1.2 sec.

Counter dude is all, "Okay, that's one double mayonnaise burger extra pickles?". Damn right.

My friend, HM, is like Elaine at the soup Nazi kitchen.

HM: Hmm. Let's see. Hmmm? What. Do. I. Want? Maybe the Chicken? Ohh the chicken. Can I get that grilled instead of fried?

Counter dude: Uh, no. This is Fried Food Palace, we don't have a grill.

HM: Hmm. Okay. How about a veggie burger, lightly grilled, extra side of mayo, honey mustard, sweet and sour, ketchup, BBQ and extra extra pickles? Oh, and can I have a half coke, half diet coke with extra extra lemons too. And I want a side of fries extra extra well done.

Me: Wheeeze. We...We're not together...[Slowly dies of anaphylaxis from the pickles.]
Written on 6/4/07

Rebecca

Rebecca Kelley
Hahaha, nice. I'm a bit picky in that I don't like certain condiments, but thank God my boyfriend's the same way. He goes a step further and eschews ketchup. Plain burgers, lots of cheese, lots of bacon. I think one of his arteries has ground beef and sesame buns lodged in it. Written on 6/4/07

girlinlove

Girlinlove
I also avoid certain condiments, but now I am thinking I should simply make my own burger at home.... Written on 6/4/07

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