To some, working out is a fun, satisfying way to spend a morning or an evening. To others, however, going to the gym is a way to show off your social ineptitude. It's as if when these people sweat, bits of common sense ooze out of their pores along with the standard perspiration.
As a result, I thought I'd offer up a few friendly do's and don'ts for when you decide to get off your lazy, Drivl-reading ass and make a stop off at the gym:
DON'T: Shut a window that is propped open in front of someone who is running seven miles on the treadmill. This is just a dick move. Unlike you, Mr. I Show Up at the Gym Wearing a Frickin' Snowsuit and Then "Work Out" on a Treadmill Going Roughly 3.2 mph While Flipping Through Men's Health Magazine, I actually run when I'm doing cardio. And when I run, I sweat. A lot. And when I sweat in an environment where I'm not actually moving, but rather staying in a stationary position among forty other sweaty people, the air gets really thick and humid. And when the air gets thick and humid, I feel like I'm going to choke and die. Opening a window brings in a "breeze," as we fresh air enthusiasts like to call it. This "breeze" cools off people who are "sweating." When you close the window because you're dressed like an extra from The Thing and are still cold, I get angry. And when I get angry, I stab people. (Well, not really, but it's still not cool to close my window.)
DO: Wipe down the equipment after you soil it. The "My Sweat Ain't Dirty" mentality won't fly with me. You're human, and human beings are disgusting. For all I know, you just got done banging a hooker before you decided to hit the gym and saddle that bike seat between your thighs. Pick up the spray bottle and de-contaminate!
DON'T: Wear short shorts that become painfully transparent when you're sweating while using a stationary bike directly in front of me, then drop your newspaper and spend the next ninety seconds bent over, picking up each section one by one. (This one applies specificially to paunchy men in their fifties.) I am usually on the StairMaster when you do this, meaning I am so haunted by the image of your sweat river of an ass crack seeping through your bright orange Umbro shorts that I am likely to trip on a step and smack my face on the console.
DO: Wear a shirt or tank top over your sports bra if you do not have a body conducive to only wearing a sports bra. I get it, you're proud of your body. But you know what? The rest of your fellow gym goers aren't proud of your body. When we can count the rolls on your stomach (hint: it's more than three), it typically means you don't have a set of washboard abs. You're sporting the equivalent of a shaky front loader washing machine that can only wash clothes on the Pudgy Cycle.
DON'T: Clip your finger nails in front of your locker. Okay, this is just disgusting. You could take a dump in the middle of your living room, for all I care, but this is a public place! You don't live in the locker room, so you don't get to drop bits of your DNA all over the place without giving a shit. I don't think women fresh out of the shower are too keen on picking bits of nail shrapnel out of their feet as they're walking to their locker.
DO: Your awkward squatting exercises in the privacy of your own home instead of in front of everyone. Once I was holding a dumbbell and doing a tricep exercise. In between sets, I gawked at this lady who was doing these ridiculous squats in front of me. She would basically sprawl her feet out as far as they would go, effectively putting her vagina on display for all to see, and then squat down while throwing her arms up and exhaling a loud "WHOOOOOSH" of air at the same time. After a few of those visual stimuli, my boyfriend walked over and whispered in my ear, "That move is called 'Giving Birth in the Wilderness.'" I was laughing so hard, I nearly dropped the dumbbell on my foot.
DON'T: Try to find two cardio machines that are right next to each other so OMG you can work out next to your friend! During one crowded evening, I saw two girls enter the cardio area. They were incessantly yapping to each other and only shut up when they realized that GASP! There weren't two unoccupied elliptical machines next to each other! The looks on their faces was hilarious. One solemnly half-assed it on a StairMaster while the other one half-heartedly pedaled on a stationary bike. Six minutes later, when two elliptical machines freed up, both girls made a beeline for them and picked up where they left off in their conversation. I felt like Jane Goodall observing a pair of primates, the Annoyingnus Sororitus Femalesius.
DO: Work out your legs. I'm tired of watching guy after guy pump out forty sets of bench presses and a million bicep curls...but skip the squats. You look like an exclamation point. I don't care how buff you are from the waist up, chicken legs don't look good on anyone.
DO: Have a little bit of modesty in the locker rooms. Much like Flabby Sports Bra Girl, we know you're comfortable with your body; we, however, aren't. Casually strolling around sportin' a bush as thick and unruly as the Serengeti is downright unsightly to your fellow locker mates, not to mention awkward.
DON'T: Do a set on a bench or at a bar, stroll away for ten minutes, come back, and yell at the person who is putting away your weights to use the bench or bar. "Hey, I'm using that!" Then where the eff did you go?! Are you penning your memoirs? Did you, after that last set of squats, get the sudden, crippling urge to take a dump, and had to run to the locker room holding your ass? Do your exercises in a timely manner, because you're not the only one who uses the equipment.
There you have it: follow these ten simple do's and don'ts while at the gym, and you're far less likely to piss off your beloved Drivlers.
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