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Andy Anderson

Bats: 264 Me: -18

by Andy Anderson []
Published on 11/4/07 in Death
Fruit bats my ass.
It'll surprise you when I say I'm pretty neutral on bats. I mean, they kind of look like a hissing cat if you didn't feed it for a year and ran it over. On the other hand, they eat all those damn mosquitos and rabbits and probably midgets.

However, they scare the ever-loving shit out of me at least 8 times a year. I don't know why, but apparently there's something about me that makes them want to swoop 2 inches in front of my face, sometimes shitting on it as they do so.

The most recent one was while I was leaving the house, on the phone with my wife. It went something like this.

Me: "So what do you want from the store?"

Wife: "Just some eggs and-"

Me: "*FWWWSHPT* JESUSFUCKINGCHRIST"

Wife: "Andy?"

Me: "AAAAAAA"

Wife: "Hello?"

Me: "ABATJUSTRAPEDMYFACE"

Wife: "What?"

Me: "BAT. FACE. GUANO."

Wife:"Are you ok?"

Me: "Screw the store, I'm going to burn my face with bleach."

Wife: "I'll call you later."

To rub it in more, the bats (who I'm convinced have placed a tracking device somewhere up my nose) will also come within about 5 feet when it's pitch black out. Now I'm afraid to go out, and people don't understand why.

Person: "Hey, can you run out and start my car?"
(It's December)
Me: "No, I just showered today."

Person: *confused look, usually resembling one if someone were to look you in the face and proclaim that Jesus just splooged in their coffee and they are going to have the kid au-natural. Or however you spell it.*

Me: "Trust me, the bats are watching."

Person: "It's ten degrees below freezing."

Me: "That's the point, their piss is like little daggers on my eyelids."

Person: "Why did I invite you again?"

Me: "I'm your brother."

I once scored a point when I hit one with my car. That point was taken away, though, when the bat then slowly edged off the front bumper onto the hood of the car, the wind pushing it along, spreading the blood and guts from the front grill's cuts all over my hood. Only when it got to the roof of the car did the wind force it off, and smack into the head of the motorcyclist behind me, who fell off his bike and into the nearby river. I didn't go back to save him, because that bat was probably still alive, and now it was out for vengence.

It's like the first part of a horror movie, only it doesn't really progress. The bats don't get human-sized, and I don't get a shotgun. Damn you Hollywood, damn you.

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13 Comments

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Fluxx

Jeff Pollard
I'm thinking a pair of aviators and a cigar may help you out. Written on 9/4/07

AndyA

Andy Anderson
"I'm Johnny Knoxville, and this is getting eaten by bats." Written on 11/4/07

Fluxx

Jeff Pollard
Written on 12/4/07

contentmuse

contentmuse
"One toke? You poor fool! Wait till you see those goddamn bats." Written on 12/4/07

Rebecca

Rebecca Kelley
Where the hell do you live, in a cave? What's with the constant bat attacks? I've seen one bat in a residential area. It was dead on my neighbor's stoop. That was about 14 years ago.

MOVE OUT OF THE CAVERN. Written on 11/4/07

AndyA

Andy Anderson
I dunno. I think it's an ancient Hindu curse or something. Written on 11/4/07

scottieJ

Scott Jahnke
Perhaps you need to befriend the bats. Try throwing cheese into the air and watch them swoop for it, like a distraction or those things fighter planes have to confuse missiles. Written on 11/4/07

AndyA

Andy Anderson
Oh, I have tried. I bathed them, fed them, touched their women... Only to find that humans and bats are not all that similar... Mostly it's the fangs that get me. Written on 11/4/07

tiburonbite

Él Tiburon
Dude, the bats are trying to tell you that you're supposed to be a superhero. Didn't you see batman? Better get to work on that rubber suit. Written on 11/4/07

Rebecca

Rebecca Kelley
If it doesn't have nipples then he shouldn't even bother. Written on 11/4/07

AndyA

Andy Anderson
I'm thinking nipples like the ones Big Bob has in Fight Club. Sans the bitch tits, tho. Written on 11/4/07

IHateMyLife

Chris V
Just ask Morgan Freeman for one. He's got plenty. Written on 11/4/07

unbelievable

brendan hills
Come to Melbourne: there's a colony of 30,000 fruit bats here. And they are big bastards too: a wing span of about 60-80cm. I'm sure you'd love it. Written on 15/4/07

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