I'm not sure that there was a eureka! moment when one day I realized that my penis was going to leave me. We (my penis and I) had been having an on-again off-again relationship for quite a while, and it had started going out more and more without me.  Then one day two weeks ago, I looked down in my morning shower and it had gone (or at least this is what my beer belly tells me). The note I found in my underwear drawer made certain I understood that this time was for good.

I guess I should go back to the beginning.

Three years ago, my wife and I decided that we wanted a baby. My penis, in its naivety, rejoiced! Practice makes perfect and all that. Even as we stressed because it didn't happen after two years, my penis was in perfect social form. Happy to have a steady partner who helped keep it fighting fit, we went along through life inseperable.

Then, through the miracle of life, my wife and I were pregnant. I talked my penis through this, telling him, "Nothing will change mate, it'll be ok." And it was for a while.  Then as my wife grew more and more uncomfortable, it began to get restless. "Look, just hang around for a bit - once every two weeks is ok."

One night, about seven months in the pregnancy, I woke up cold in the night. The covers were pulled back and I noticed that my penis had gone. I got up, went searching, when I heard a sound in the office. There, in front of my own eyes, I caught my penis cheating.  It was watching "Cunninglingus in Canterbury" (our favorite!) without me. I let it slide, but it kept happening with alarming frequency.

It got worse when at eight months I was banished to the second bedroom. My penis would shake me awake at 2am, wanting to talk. I was tired and didn't want any part of it, and even suggested that my penis go watch some porn.

One late night, after a weekend bender without me, I decided to sit down and have a chat with my penis in an attempt to repair the relationship. I explained things best as I could. "My wife was tired and didn't feel well; I was tired as well with work and taking proper care of her. Things would get better, mate, if you'll only stay around until the baby is born and is three months old...it'll be like the days of old."

For a while my penis stayed put. For the weeks following my wonderful daughter's birth it stayed silent - waiting for three months to pass. But babies are hard work and my wife and I are knackered. At three months plus one day my penis nudged me. I ignored it, rolled over, and went back to bed. The next day, I noticed in the shower that my penis had left.

Now I've seen my penis whispering to my friends at the water cooler in my office.  Sniggering behind my back with comments like "Emasculated, eunuch, spineless." I keep my head down at work and no longer trade stories with my mates.  My penis stole my keys and takes my convertible Mustang out for cruises without me.  I've noticed on my credit card statement purchases at porn stores, mail order condoms, and 0900 numbers.

I tried to find camaraderie with another new dad in my office, but he only muttered something about his penis having long left him long ago.

Penis, if you read this, please come home.