Today's topic, gentle reader, is underwear.  Or, as I call them, "manties".

I wear boxer briefs.  They're comfortable, loose fitting, and I can wear them around the house, answer the door, get the mail, and even drive to McDonald's while wearing just my manties. They're the best parts of tighty-whiteys and boxers combined.  

Anyways.  Wednesday, after staying up too late, I get very little sleep. Thursday morning beats me in the head and I stumble into the shower.  An hour later, I emerge, feeling more awake, but still tired and mentally functioning on the same level as a retarded senior citizen with Alzheimer's.  

I go to my bureau and open my manty and undershirt drawer.  The undershirt goes on, and then I realize that there's only one pair of manties.  This is strange, because I usually have 20 or so pairs, but then I remember that my wife was out of town the week before on business which means she didn't do the laundry, so I had no clean manties.  "She'll have to get a beating once she gets home from work," I mutter to myself and make a mental note.

So, I pull out the pair of manties.  They're a type that I used to buy but don't like anymore because they shrank too much in the wash, and now they're a bit tight.  Nothing I can't handle for a day, but not something I'd wear if I had options.  Unfortunately, I had no options.

I hold the manties down to the ground and step into each leg hole.  The right one in first, and then the left one.  The first thing that occurred to me was that this pair was really tight.  Like, it was actually painful pulling them on my legs.  They were clearly my underwear, but Jesus Herbert Walker Christ did that hurt!!  

I'm standing there, manties halfway pulled up, and I have to bend over and pull on each of the legs to stretch the legs a bit.  And then they made that snapping sound that cotton does when you stretch it and some threads break but it fits better.  So I'm able to pull them all the way up and wow are they still crazy tight!  I mean, it feels like there are invisible hands pushing on my crotch and my ass!  It was still very uncomfortable, and the manties were fitting around my ass in a overly friendly groping way that really made me feel uncomfortable.

So I did what any smart man would do.  I just grabbed and pulled.  And once again, heard the sound of threads snapping, but it felt more comfortable.  Except for the pinching around the waist and the searing pain on my balls and ass, that is.

And, like a man, I ignored it and went to work.  And eventually, due to numbness, business, server problems, and retarded monkeys, I forget about it.

Until that evening.

When I go to the bathroom.

And pull down my manties to sit on the toilet.

But it still feels like I'm wearing something.

And I realize, after staring in the mirror in shock and horror.

That I was also wearing a pair of women's black thong panties.

They must have been stuck inside my manties, aligned perfectly with the legholes.

And they were now stretched, shredded, and wedged in my ass.

The.  Fucking.  End.