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Rhys

Here Comes The Bride...I'm Not Bitter

by Rhys []
Published on 30/4/07 in People
Why it should never be illegal to kill a family member...
Some artists work in pastels, some in paint. Some in pencil, some in charcoal. Every artist has a favorite medium. My cousin Rochelle's favorite was boogers.

She'd been a Michelangelo since age three, ever since she discovered that when sticking her finger into her tiny button of a nose, she could pull something out. Apparently, this fascinating new substance proved quite malleable and inspired her creativity. You could find sticky creations on the walls of her room, on the bathroom mirror, even on pieces of brightly-colored construction paper that hung on the fridge, like proper works of art.

On a trip to Macon one afternoon, she solemnly sat in the back seat and decorated the car window for the entire trip. When my Uncle Dwight saw the work of the pint-sized Picasso on the window of his new Chevy, he lost it. "Goddamn it, girl! That's disgusting! Why do you do that?"

Rochelle stared at him like he was an idiot. "Because." She rubbed her nose and frowned. "I don't have any crayons."


By Rochelle


Let's hear another one about this SKANK ASS COUSIN OF MINE, shall we? One day, when I was eleven, I was FORCED to spend the day with her because my mother MADE me be nice to people we were related to, even if it was just by marriage, which to this day has screwed me over for life. People, if people around you suck, don't force your kid to be nice to them! You're just shoving off the pain onto your defenseless child so you can go do something else and not feel guilty.

Anyway, I was forced to go over to Rochelle's, where I found her in the yard in front of her trailer, spreading out long strands of toilet paper over chairs to dry in the sun. I figured she was making a paper mache project or something (she was 12 at this time). She informed me that she was drying out the toilet paper so it could be 're-used.' Yes, PEED ON toilet paper was being recycled by my booger-picking cousin.

After I squawked in disgust, she just gave me a look like I was an idiot.

"Don't be stupid," she said. "It's not the poop paper."

Oh, OKAY.

Why is this story relevant? She called me last night to gloat about how she's all getting married and going on a honeymoon and crap. This booger-picking, crusty toilet paper-using skank is getting married. I'm sure her husband-to-be sucks too, but still. I don't do booger art and I only use TP once, and NOBODY loves me.

So...screw you, Rochelle. And if you have the NERVE to call me back and ask me all condescendingly to be a 'bridesmaid,' I will yank every hair out of your skanky little heifer head.

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24 Comments

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JaneCopland

Jane
I totally understand. I am married and I still think, "what the fuck" when some butt-hole of an acquaintance of mine gets a new boyfriend. Written on 30/4/07

Rhys

Rhys
Thanks, Jane! I'm glad to know I'm not the only one. Except marriage doesn't cure the rage, huh? Darn. :) Written on 30/4/07

JaneCopland

Jane
No, not much. I always want to shake the guy and say, "you have to be fucking kidding me." Written on 30/4/07

Rhys

Rhys
I like that approach, Jane. Can I borrow it? Written on 30/4/07

JaneCopland

Jane
Of course! Written on 30/4/07

Inferus

Matthew Moses
Why do all women become jealous when they see one of their fellow sisters find love? Bitter bitter bitter. LOL. Seriously though, we all know if invited, you girls will go to anyone's wedding. You're magically drawn to them. Me, I go for the open bar. That and the bitter women just looking for a "symbolic" relationship to flaunt in the bride's face. Written on 30/4/07

Rhys

Rhys
You're lucky I now you're kidding, Matt. Actually, I hate going to weddings. And please don't lump me in with that booger-eating skank. ;) Written on 30/4/07

Inferus

Matthew Moses
LOL. Geeze! I can feel your seething breath through the comp screen. Written on 30/4/07

Rhys

Rhys
Like I said, run! Haha, j/k. Not at all offended. Written on 30/4/07

Inferus

Matthew Moses
So then you won't be needing a date for the wedding? Hey, got to ask. Written on 30/4/07

Rebecca

Rebecca Kelley
Your cousin sounds like a real catch. I'm surprised she's only now engaged to some lucky guy. Written on 30/4/07

Inferus

Matthew Moses
She was playing the field, duh. Anyone can pick their nose, but to make slimy, snotty sinus art with it... Written on 30/4/07

Rhys

Rhys
Very funny, Matt.

Good one, Rebecca. She totally had sex way before me too. A catch indeed! :) Written on 30/4/07

JaneCopland

Jane
Hey, it's okay. The early sexoids are usually the ugly ones who are trying to make up for it. Written on 30/4/07

Rhys

Rhys
I like the way you think, Jane! Written on 30/4/07

unbelievable

brendan hills
I think you're approaching this the wrong way: do all you can to get invited to that wedding, ESPECIALLY as the bridesmaid, then get up to make a speech and tell this story. :-) Written on 30/4/07

Rhys

Rhys
Hmm...good point...I like the eeeeevil! Written on 1/5/07

blitzhund

William Paris
Not to throw a spanner in the works here - but...to be fair, I'm not sure that her nose picking art days (at say...age 3) were a sure sign of 'skank-ass'. All little kids do disgusting things with ... errrrmmm.... bits.

And with the toilent paper thing - someone should've slapped her mother or father who put her up to it. Written on 1/5/07

Inferus

Matthew Moses
But Sheryl Crow says we should all learn to conserve toilet paper. Don't you want to save the world, damnit! Written on 1/5/07

Rhys

Rhys
Hippie! :) Written on 1/5/07

Rhys

Rhys
True, age 3 could be forgiven. But as the trend continues, you have to wonder. And you're right, that family needs a right good smackin' all around. Written on 1/5/07

Inferus

Matthew Moses
I think it was obvious they had all already been dropped on their heads. A few more hits isn't going to correct that brain damage. Written on 1/5/07

Rhys

Rhys
Seriously, the dropping on the head thing really happened. People shouldn't hire me to babysit. ;) Written on 1/5/07

Kara

Kara
Sing it sister! Written on 7/5/07

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