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Rhys

Ewww…Boys

by Rhys []
Published on 30/4/07 in Books
Because men need to feel pretty, too.
We've all heard the jokes about ‘Chick Lit,' perhaps endured the scornful looks of high-brow readers as we've furtively pored over an Oprah Book Club selection. Yes, Chick Lit is viewed as the stinking bottom of the literary heap.

To this I say puh-leze: have you ever read anything from the Men's Lit market?

There are two choices, mostly from one primary author:
1. Boring jargon that reads like a submarine tech manual.
2. Ridiculous clichéd adventure novels.

It is the second which we shall lampoon today. If you're a guy, or if you know a guy, you are most likely familiar with the author who is the biggest offender. I shall spare him the shame of mention here. (His name rhymes with Hive Bussler.)

This is what happens in all the books: Handsome, reserved man embarks on adventure, often requiring a yacht and at least one badass motorcycle ride. The man is too closed off to commit, yet the women can't resist him, so he has lots of sex, and leaves the women pining over his manly, departing form. And luckily, this (these) man (men) never have to work because they have an inheritance to live on, leaving time for all these great adventures.

The author in question is the worst of all. He has created two main characters who headline different adventure novels. One is rugged with dark hair and ‘piercing green eyes.' The other is rugged with blond hair and ‘piercing blue eyes.' The first has a trusty sidekick who is short and Italian. The other has a trusty sidekick who is short and Mexican. One collects cars; the other collects boats. And on and on.

Whenever my guy friend would read these books, he read passages out loud to me and we'd both laugh hysterically. But guys keep reading them, these silly books with cardboard characters who have names like Boulder Carrington and Bruce MightyTesticles, who go on the same adventure every time. These Men's Lit books are like romance novels in reverse, with the reader lusting after the lives of these manly men. ‘Fess up guys: do y'all have a crush on Bruce MightyTesticles? Is that it? Women want to know.

 













Bruce MightyTesticles at your service.

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11 Comments

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Rebecca

Rebecca Kelley
Is that Mulder? Written on 30/4/07

Rhys

Rhys
I think it is! :) Written on 30/4/07

Inferus

Matthew Moses
Dirk Pitt? Why not name the character Dick Snatch? Better double entendre and cooler sounding name! Written on 30/4/07

JaneCopland

Jane
Similarly, there are the authors who write about authors having writer's block, retreating to northeastern states and meeting mysterious women. SO INTERESTING. I want to read a 500 page novel about an pathetic author. EN-FUCKING-THRALLING. Written on 30/4/07

Inferus

Matthew Moses
Why Jane, that sounds like a literal page turner! So much angst, the drama virtually soaking my fingers!! LOL. Truthfully though, why can't we simply have a book that is intellectual? Is it so difficult for the average person to deal with thinking versus the need to make every conflict "physical"? I'm having problems with commitment so rather than deal with the issue, say a career or an ideal as the individual attempts to define themselves (which is why 80s movies were so awesome; the attempt at developing one's personality), we'll throw in a girl. If he can stay with her then he is a new man. God, makes him seem a wimp. Needs someone to define him. Dude, just emasculate yourself with a beercan. Wait, now that is an excellent premise for a novel... Written on 30/4/07

Rhys

Rhys
Matt! You hit on the 80s movie miracle! What if we just decided to live our lives like an 80s movie? Could we make it happen? Books would be better...maybe lives would too. Written on 30/4/07

Inferus

Matthew Moses
I don't know. The return of big hair and parachute pants. Is it worth the threat to our very fashionable existences? You think air is bad now, imagine the amount of hair spray that would be used. On the other hand, hell, we should go back to the 80s. After I invest in Aquanet of course. Written on 1/5/07

Rhys

Rhys
haha!!!!! Of course it has to be Aquanet. Dippity-Do for the serious prom curls that have to last all night. You know a lot. Written on 1/5/07

Inferus

Matthew Moses
I had three sister and a "metrosexual" twin. Trust me, I breathed Aquanet. Written on 1/5/07

Rhys

Rhys
Maybe it's the Aquanet that has made us hopeless! Something in it traps you in the 80s mindset... Written on 1/5/07

Blurgle

Charlene
My "favorite" is the author whose name shall not be said (but rhymes with "Lobert Ferris") whose female characters are either gorgeous and sexy (and always willing to have sex with the protagonist, no matter how much of a greasy nebbish he is) or plain (and therefore evil or stupid in some way).

I call it the "Average Dorks Deserve Hot Sex From Hot Babes, but Average Women Should All Be Tortured To Death" theory. Written on 14/5/07

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