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Blake

I miss my VCR

by Blake []
Published on 3/5/07 in Technology
VCR, I love you. And I’ll never forget the nights we spent together, you technologically inept bastard.
Forget DVDs and all the crappy extras they promise. What I miss is watching movies on a shittastic VCR. Saying goodbye to the VCR was like saying goodbye to a good friend who continually punched me in the nuts. Remember Tracking, Sweet Mistress of the VCR?

If you gambled on a particularly old tape you never knew if messing with the tracking feature would actually do anything. It was like blowing on an old NES cartrige. Total placebo effect in action.

So many nights began with me hurling things at the VCR. Massaging the tracking dial in the hopes that the squiggles on the screen would dissipate. Hitting the side of it so hard the tape would eject.

And tracking wasn't the only issue. My VCR was capable of producing a sizeable graveyard of chewed up tapes. It was as if natural selection was taking place in my living room. The VCR decided what was crap and what wasn't. If the VCR chewed a tape to hell and then spit it out, an eerie calm would descend upon the den.

"Did the VCR just kill Howard the Duck?"

"Yeah, and that was our only copy."

"Goddamnit!"

I'm not sure how much discretion my VCR had. Somehow Fried Green Tomatoes and Heathers played perfectly in high definition. But put in The Sandlot or Predator and the VCR would shut off or destroy the tape before the start of the second act.

My VCR spit out, chewed up, or melted the following classics:

The Burbs (melted due to androgynous Bulgarian-looking antagonist)

License to Drive (chewed: Corey Feldman and Corey Haim must've been too much to handle in the same movie)

Twins (melted the instant Kelly Preston started to seduce Arnold)

Rambo II (burnt up within seconds, a sacrifice to the VCR gods and the screenwriters who sold their souls to Satan to write hack dialog for $250,000 against $1 million)

Flight of the Navigator (disintegrated: tape rewound too much to see if robot voice was actually Pee-Wee Herman)

Turner & Hooch (melted: a post-Bosom Buddies let down for Tom Hanks)

Tango & Cash (chewed: Sylvester Stallone, Kurt Russell, and Jack Palance in the same movie)

The Breakfast Club (melted when Ally Sheedy shook dandruff out of her hair)

Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot (melted: Stallone as Sgt. Joe Bomowski--enough said)

See, DVD players have made my life too painless; trying to toggle through the language selection featuer is too much. I need the pain and unpredictableness of the VCR.

What would K-9 be if I didn't see James Belushi's face rolling like a sloshing sail boat on the screen, screaming to get a beat on the tracking? How could I get through Road House if Patrick Swayze wasn't interrupted by technical difficulties every nine minutes?

I've thought about this and decided the only remedy is purchasing the $39.99 DVD player from Wal Mart. I'm betting on the shitty factor being off the charts. If I'm lucky, it'll screw up.

DVD players can bite my ass. No more blinking 12:00. No more tracking knobs. And no more eulogies over classics burnt up in the VCR inferno. VCR, I love you. And I'll never forget the nights we spent together, you technologically inept bastard.

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9 Comments

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Fluxx

Jeff Pollard
Ahhh VCRs. You and me had many a fun nights watched Ghostbusters. I shall miss you. Written on 3/5/07

Dapht

Davis Herbig
The best way to reintroduce the pain you need into you movie viewing routine is to rent old releases of popular movies from Blockbuster. Every few movies, there comes a disk so smudged and scratched by the armada of families who use the shiny side of the disk as a coaster (because the other side has all the words on it) that it will make your DVD player try to commit seppuku.

That adds a level of unpredictability to my viewing experience.

As an added bonus, the scratches only screw up the last 15-30 minutes of the movie.

Enjoy. Written on 3/5/07

antiartist

Tom
You made the point that I was going to :p

DVD players, in my humble opinion, are just as bad and perhaps even worse that VCR's. True, DVD players don't really damage the disc, but don't get my started about playing issues, copy protection and other digital sh*t that have provided many an hour of cussing on my part. Written on 4/5/07

holiday

holiday
it was truly a sad day when the retail value of my movie collection with VCR was reduced to $15 at a garage sale... I'll miss you recorded collection of X-files and other shows as well ;) Written on 4/5/07

fatback

Francis
I had *every* single X-Files episode in VHS. Some were from Fox, some were from FX syndication and others were from UPN (back when there was a UPN). I even used my copy of The Outsiders to record the final 2 episodes because I was out of blank tapes. Fucking DVD can't be made writable with a piece of scotch tape on one tab and the label off a cd case on the other, can it? No. No.

VHS was the alpha technology. VHS was the V-GER to DVD ROM's Enterprise. I miss you VHS and your easy to hook up RCA's for sound and your ability to double as a TV tuner until I got the cable hooked up my new apt. That's why I let you live in my closet. That and because, I still need to transfer the 9000 hours of porn to digital. Written on 7/5/07

crickit

Cristy Anzalone Bystry
Ahh... Your wonderful article brings back lovely memories of my favorite VCR. Purchased in 1983 and laid to rest in 1996, it had the all the latest features: remote control with cord, front loader and 7 day prerecord capability. I was the only one in the family who could set the time and the prerecord. I kept that baby running for years by replacing the belts with rubber bands. After 13 years it made its final stand by overheating and creating copious amounts of smoke. Good bye dear friend and technical wonder, we had a great run... Written on 6/5/07

rodaniel

Rob O'Daniel
My dual-tuner TiVo laughs heartily at your antiquited technology! :) Written on 8/5/07

blitzhund

William Paris
TiVo users have no soul. Written on 9/5/07

AngryDad

John
"8 head, HI-FI Stereo VHS"

I can remember stepping up to the big leagues with all the bells and whistles. Even splurged on the Head Cleaner Tape, that had the little hole to squirt the "Cleaning Fluid" into. (See Also: Rubbing Alchohol)

Star Trek 3 never looked so good, and probably never will again.

R.I.P., VHS Written on 14/5/07

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